Devastation didn't begin to describe what consumed me at that moment, or maybe it did. Standing in the rain, I wasn't aware of anything around me. It might have been the water or the fact my brain was overloaded and stopped functioning hours earlier. I knew he wasn't there, but I couldn't help myself. The guilt weighed heavily on my conscience as I traced the top of the family's marker. My legs quivered as I lowered myself onto the ground, kneeling above his body with my hands pressed into the freshly turned earth.