Entry 10: Flashback

February 22, 2016

I got bored today, so I organized photos from our hard drive, and while doing that I came across few photos and immediately flashed some memories. One of them was during our Intramurals, during that time, our section lacked players to play volleyball. I bought a jersey for memories, so I got no choice but to join them. I'm not sporty, okay? But I guess I kind of know how to play volleyball?

That time I was so nervous, my palms sweating and my heart's beating fast, thinking how badly I would perform inside the court, which I was not wrong about! Imagine, while practicing serves, I would successfully do it—but when it was finally my time to serve, for the game itself it didn't even leave our court! Why's that?! And get this, I revived useless balls!—Which means I kept saving balls that could have been easily our point because it was outside, yet I kept saving it! It was one of my embarrassing moments.

But one of the unforgettable moments that time was that Dash wished me GoodLuck as he ruffles my hair. I remembered laughing at him about it and saying that I think I would be a burden to my classmates because I'm not good at this. But he just laughs at me and said; "You can do it!" Yeah, he's famous comforting words again, along with his sweet smile and sweet voice! Ugh! Why am I doing this to myself?! I should be getting over him now!

During that time, he's still have something going on with Kaiya, and before he wished me luck, he wished Kaiya GoodLuck first. And I don't know why I still feel those butterflies in my stomach when he wished me GoodLuck when in fact he kind of wished us all GoodLuck. I'm one weird girl! And yeah, Kaiya's part of the volleyball team too. How blessed she is, right? She's almost close to perfection, that's why I easily accepted defeat.

I sighed as a scroll more through the photos then a thought crossed my mind.

There's some rumor going on before, once a girl started using Dash's famous black long jacket it simply means something is going on with them. It sounds weird but it's kind of true. Kind of because first of all, I didn't get to wear that, although he offered it to me once. Well, I'm not saying that something is going on between us, but you get it right? Like, we talked almost every day, and we enjoyed each other's company—at least for me.

Second, Paisley used that jacket too, and nothing's going on between them. Well, Paisley's probably one of the exceptions because they basically treat each other like siblings. I remembered getting jealous of all those girls who wore Dash's jacket because they get to smell Dash's scent on them, which was very fragrant. His manly scent was all too familiar to me now. Even if I'm not looking in his direction, I would still know it's him because of his strong aroma.

Now Thalia seemed to enjoy wearing Dash's jacket. That made him bring another jacket for himself. She basically treats that jacket as hers. Most of the class took that as a confirmation that there's indeed something going on between them.

Well, they are not entirely wrong about that. I mean, I could actually confirm that. Why? You ask? Because I experience their sweetness first hand and it says a lot about their relationship than the usage of that controversial black jacket.

To be honest, sometimes I would switch places just to go away from that all that sweetness. I'm getting all fed up with their crap. I despise my seat so much because I could hear their conversation even if I don't want to! And when they would flirt—mess around with each other, Dash or Thalia would accidentally bump my seat, resulting, messing up my notes. How annoying, right?!

Great! Now, I'm furious again, just recalling that scenario. Even if I wanted to scream at them, I can't, because I know too well that it could start different pitiful rumors. So, I would just fake a smile even I badly want to strangle Dash.

Anyway! Another memory crossed my mind when I saw a photo of me and Kaiya here at home, doing some project. This was during Kaiya and Dash's blossoming relationship. It was kind of awkward, for me at least. She's nice and I'm thankful that he asked nothing about Dash during that time and just focused on the project we're working on. During that night, I received a message from Dash checking up on both of us. But I think he was just being nice to ask about me.

Of course, the stupid Maia took over my body and teased him to her; saying that she's good for him and that they look cute together. I got a little nervous when it took him a long time to respond, afraid that I pissed him off with all the teasing I did. But he took me by surprise with his response.

He reassured his feelings for Kaiya. He said, "I have a crush on her. I'm sure of it." I could hear him saying those words. I smiled at that message, but I could hear and feel my heart tearing like a piece of paper. It may sound pathetic but that's the best way I could explain the pain I'm feeling at that time.

For real though, I'm proud of myself to get over that pain even if it was hard because I would often feel sad and I would miss him from time to time. I don't how I got out of that loop but, hey! I did!

I should be happy, right? Enjoying this year, having the most of it but unfortunately, I'm not gonna lie, because I don't want to fool myself but I think the pain's still here and it's growing more and more. I'm afraid that I might go to that stupid loop once more.

I don't know what's going on with me, I sometimes really don't understand myself. I thought I already convinced myself not to jump into that loop again, but yet here I am feeling this unexplainable pain whenever I see him happy with Thalia. Sometimes, I can't help myself thinking I was her; putting smiles on his face, or just simply being with him.

It started when he talked to me while Thalia's sleeping beside him. There was no teacher present during that time. I was writing notes silently in my seat when he placed his head into my seat and called me. He called me and told me he's happy and that he didn't want this to end.

It's given that I'm happy for him. I want nothing but his happiness, even if it's not with me. I already accepted that, but those bottled-up pain started emerging again and I hate myself for feeling that way. Just last entry I was finally over him but why am I feeling this way again. I don't understand myself. He needs a friend that would be happy for him and not a dramatic friend who would put his mood down so I cheerfully stated that I'm happy for him too and gave him some advice to keep Thalia happy and to build a stronger foundation of their relationship.

When I looked in his direction, I could see through him. He's indeed happy with her. Just the way his eyes glow whenever he would mention Thalia and how excited is he as he tells stories about them, I can't help but be envious of Thalia. She's one lucky girl to have this smitten guy by her side.