Comments of chapter undefined of The Revelation Of Mankind

You set up the character of Bryan very well, and that of June, as well. We get a good sense as to who they are and even what sort of a relationship they have to one another. I agree that you don't need quite so much detail in the chapter, it's a bit much. Your writing needs work, as well. In addition to a lot of back and forth on tenses, you have awkward word useage from time to time, things that just don't sound correct. I suggest you read this outloud to yourself. You will catch nall sorts of things that you would otherwise miss.

Ah...love the brief sweet moment. But, I would say try cutting down the details like him taking a shower and singing. Personally, I'm not bothered by it but learning from my experience writing in webnovel, readers prefer a fast pace story. Jumping right into the game, omitting unnecessary fillers as much as they can. Nevertheless, this a nice opening and it already shows Bryan's characteristics. And the last bits is a good cliffhanger!

You managed to create a subtle horror. Although as some of the guys have already pointed out, you have to reduce the details. This chapter will become half of its current length after removing the fillers.

Thx

[img=update]

Oh wow. Incredible. Just incredible.

Wow a really nice way to set up the back story!