Travel 8. Is Not You

I wrote everything down. This time, something was not right at all.

Artz Wrapped. That damn band has cancelled their tour, back in 2014. How come they could cancel a tour in their own country?

The Spanish thing was all cleared up, however, Sam never mentioned anything about a cancelation of one of their concerts. What is that piece missing?

Now, I was able to remember most of my memories. Not all of them. But that is a gap. Harlow wanted to see me, so we could have dinner. My heart ached. I wanted to talk to him about everything. And I was willing to do it. In my way, of course.

He doesn't know me in one of the many parallels. I mean, in all of them, actually. But in this one, he was the only who kept the name, the job... Let's say the life. The other times, he has been this amazing-top-super-handsome-I-wannabe-his-wife Hayden Stabler. And then, the traveling in time from past to past. But never met a Harlow Selley who didn't know I existed.

Maybe I didn't exist. Which made me sad. What if that life time... Was a parallel of this one, my own reality? Have I gone too... In the past? Have I stopped myself? And now, the doubt was killing me.

I was half crying, half talking to Nirvana. She couldn't believe what happened. Harlow looked at me as if I was a complete stranger. He never looked at me like that, not even when we first met. I was 9 years old. That moment, he would look at me with cute eyes, those kind of looking that someone does while meeting a kid. But now, he just saw me as one of the wolf London pack.

-Here, take a shot of it- told me Nirvana, handing me the expresso.

-Do I have to pretend this is soju?

-If you want to.

I literally told Harlow that I must have been confused and that I was looking for a guy who looked like him. It wasn't a lie tho. He just said goodbye and left me there, heart broken.

-Why didn't you follow him? Why did you have to be here, crying? We need to find him so you know what's your life about.

-I don't think I could handle the fact that probably I don't exist in this world- I said.

-You'll never know if you don't go.

We got up from the coffee table, where I see a very familiar face: a young, tall man. He was looking very cute, not gonna lie. Brunette, with curly hair and deep brown eyes. Something about him was very familiar to me.

I ignored him, because I needed to focus on the only man that I like. I can't let my guard down because of some cute guy. But I couldn't stop looking at him, and Nirvana noticed that. She finally said "he totally looks like your mother."

Ah, yes. He really does.

-What if he is a cousin or something? Because you know, my mom is adopted- I said.

-Or maybe a brother. Maybe you have a little or older brother- suggested Nirvana.

That didn't sound possible, but we were in a parallel universe. Of course, everything is very valid in here.

He was ordering some coffee, when a girl ran into the coffee shop. She was blonde with blue eyes, and I could swear that I have seen her before. Something felt awkward inside me. She was way too older than me of course. Probably in her late 20s. She was wearing a pencil skirt, some stilettos from Gianvito Rossi (or at least, a perfect copy of it), and a chick beige top. Not gonna lie, she is gorgeous. Then, I remembered I have seen her as a kid.

She looked at my direction. This time, she look at me in the eyes. And that's when I felt it: warning and pain.

She was the girl I have seen dying in a car accident. Harlow even saw it. She died on February 11th, 2002. I was born that day in another city. I didn't want to stay and see my birth. And this girl was looking now at the boy who looks like my mom. She started to talk to him. Nirvana was very aware of my emotions. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Because I was her.

-So, you exist in this world, yes or no? - asked Nirvana, totally confused.

-I don't know. That girl was me in my past life. When she died, I reincarnated... Well, in this body- I said, pointing at myself. -But how is she not dead? That means I wasn't born at all!

-But she still could see you- said Nirvana.

We looked at those two, they were very friendly with one to another.

-But the business is still there, so, let's see how is it going- started the blond girl. They seated in a table next to us, so Nirvana and I tried to listen.

-I bet it's gonna be fine. Geller knows how to make these kind of things work. Besides, you know Harlow. He is always in the mood of winning. If he talks to his boss, probably the whole company would be very interested in this investment.

-I hope so. Anyways, let's stop talking about it. How are you doing, Alex? Is auntie all right?

Nirvana looked at me with wide open eyes. She, just like me, was surprised by the fact that the boy is also an Alex. He could be Alexander, tho.

-She is working now, and maybe hanging out with some dude of her work place. You know, is for better if she gets Gregory out of her heart. He is a piece of crap.

-It's your father. Don't be like that- said the blond girl.

-You don't know a thing. Don't deffend him Abby.

-You are so noisy sometimes. Let's take a walk.

They got up of the table, and we were still very into them when the phone of Abby rang.

-Honey... Yes, I'm with Alex now... Don't worry, meet you there at 8 p.m then? Oh, tell Georgia I miss her already, it's been a month since we don't see each other!... I'm taking this kid to his house. Yes. Okay, see you babe!

And the she hang.

-So, she seems to be Harlow's girl- said Nirvana.

-Shhh! Listen.

-I'm going to see Jenna, so, please, just let me go already. I have done a lot just by meeting you here- said Alex, with a jokingly tone of voice.

-Fine, I'll take you with your sassy bitch.

-Hey! Don't be like that! She is amazing, okay?

Abby just rolled her eyes and they went off the shop.

-We need to follow them, Nirvana!

-Let's go. After that, I'm going to follow Alex, and you follow that girl. Okay?

-Deal.

Evenings in London are quite magical. Shiny stars, the smell of biscuits and some hot chocolate... To be here is like being inside a Disney movies, those were princes and princesses are everywhere. The architecture around here is a living dream. The dream of wanting more, some miracle to happen. The air just screams the word "royal". Is quite a vision. Sometimes, it seems that all the stars would fall down the skies, and embrace you like a Barbie transformation of dress.

We got off the taxi, exactly in the street that is near to my current house. We saw Alex and Abby getting out of the car, too. It was in someone else's house that she left him. She said goodbye, and I went behind her, taking another cab. Nirvana stayed to see what is Alex's life about. Luckily, I was always carrying some purse since my second traveling, just in case, so I told the driver to just follow the red car.

I wonder if someday, I'll wake up from all of this.

I realized that Abby went to Harlow's house. I followed quietly, being able to get into Harlow's kitchen back door, because I used to get in there when we were secretly dating. Abby had some keys, so probably she even lives with him.

-I told you, million times, that we can't be together. Why did you have to kiss me? You are a girl to me.

My heart was aching so bad. I managed to not cry in front of him, but if he keeps telling me these hurtful comments, then I don't think I could handle myself anynore.

Why did I have to kiss him? I deserved it. What a fuckin psycho. What if this wasn't love anymore, but obsession? Why is it that I can't see any other guy? For him, it has been so easy to get as many girls as he wanted. I even felt disgusted by Joshua's kissing. I can't like another guy. And it's killing me.

My deepest desires are to be with him. But if he can't give me that, then I should just get into being a nun.

-So what, aren't you going to say something? Anything? - asked him, looking at me with his dark, emerald eyes. It was amazing how dark they could get when he is angry.

-I don't know what to say, okay? I'm so sorry, I know I acted without hesitating. But I couldn't take it anymore. Please, forgive me. I promise... No, I swear I would never do anything like that again.

Tears started to threaten me. I have heard so many times that, if you cry in front of the guy you like, it really means that you are deeply falling for him. Or her, your choice.

He decided to soften his expression, and hugged me. He hugged me so tight. It wasn't the first time he put his arms around me, but in that way? It definitely was a first movement.

My eyes felt a little dry, maybe because I was surprised.

-Why did you kiss me?

-You know why! Stop acting like an arse.

-But why do you like me so much? Don't you see yourself? Damn, you can be with anyone, whoever the hell you want. You are gorgeous, extremely smart and such an empathic girl.

-I'm not a girl anymore! Can you just, please, for once, see me as a woman?

He blushed. A living tomato was in front of me.

-I might be only 17, but I'm not that little girl of 9 years old who you met in a mall. Or in a park, I don't remember how you knew about me. You always knew about my love. Did me kissing you was uncomfortable? I'm really sorry about it. But don't come here, yelling at me, all angry because I kissed you and we "can't be together" because you say I'm a girl. Fuck off, Harlow, I'm not.

And I started to cry again, in the middle of his garden. He was still very angry at me, or at the situation, I don't know anymore.

-You are 8 years younger than me. Even if you were 50 years old, and I'd be 58, I'd still see you as a girl. We can't be together because you, young lady, are underage. Second, your parents will hate me and think that I might just be interested in having sex with you...

-Well, at least that kind of interest sounds nice- I said, interrupting him.

He seemed he couldn't deal with me anymore, so he just might thought "fuck off", and then kissed me.

He grabbed me by the waist with his right arm. His left hand was placed in my cheek. His kiss was sweet, tender, pure... I felt completely protected just by his touch.

-I see you as a woman- he finally said, getting a little far away from me. -I have seen you growing up. You would tell me your good grades, your dreams while still being a child, I have even seen you cry towards Laura because you lost her pink purse! -and I laughed a lot.

-Laura really was my favorite girl- I said, remembering my doll.

-I have seen you becoming a gorgeous woman. Of course I had always noticed you. As a little girl, a young sister, a girl getting in her teen ages, and a young woman who had kissed me without even thinking. And you were always flirting with me. How could I feel about this? Is overwhelming. You are overwhelming to me right now.

There was a comfortable silence between the two of us. We sat on the floor, our backs glued to the biggest tree of the garden. I put my head on his shoulder, and whispered in his ear:

-Let's make it our secret.

Harlow just kissed me again, but this time, he made sure that my arms were around him.

Abby Wallen. Born in September, 6th of 1994. She is currently 23 years old. Same age as Harlow, but younger. Her name is literally Abby, so, how is her nickname? Abs?

They were having a pretty light and smooth conversation. It seems that they've been together forever.

Marriage is coming, too.

Nirvana POV.

It was getting cold already. Alex never met a girl like he told Abby he would do. Instead, he just got into his house, which was like in the next block. I wonder why he would do that.

But there's nothing interesting. He literally is Alexandra in a male version, much more different that the previous male version. Why is Alexandra the only one with another sex? Why everyone remains the same? It didn't make any sense. For what I have seen, the boy is even born in the same date and year as Alexandra. So what was this about?

I know that probably I shouldn't care, but this could hep me to understand why am I helping Alex (my girlie Alex), and why I can't see my daughter anymore.

Why did they take my girl?

An empty heart is all I got.

Sitting outside everything, in the middle of a park, made me realize how alone can someone feel. How long does it take to love and to forget?

I wish that Alex was here, so that she can finally stop thinking that it was her fault to be born and her parents to get divorced. The Alex boy was, indeed, son of Alexandra's parents. His last name is also Viccario, and he seems to be pretty smart. So the whole situation she has been through, was because her parents' fault. She needed to get that very clear.

I hope she is not in something inappropriated right now.