DISSONANCE

The Shinrinyoku has thus far made a real impression on me. Hina is the one that is into all this esoteric stuff, not me. I have always considered myself to be more into the “3-D world.” But when Hina and I did this weekend meditation retreat in Kyoto, I became a bit more open minded. I was taken aback by how relaxing and soothing the whole experience was. Even though I have long fallen off meditation, it left an imprint on me that these things do carry some value.

I have to however admit, I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would find myself inside a place like this. It did not seem to be a part of the life that I have been living. I have never been someone who really ever believed in fate or destiny. But with how everything in my life has been going and how I seem to have more questions than answers nowadays, maybe this is the place that I

supposed to be in.

Right now anyway.

“Where are you on your journey?” The Shinrinkyoku asked like I am supposed to have a clue as to what she is talking about.

“Well, I am going to college soon.”

“That is nice dear. But that is not what I mean. I want to know where you are on your spiritual path.”

“Spiritual path?”

“Dear, we are all spiritual beings, whether we want to recognize this or not. It is simply a part of our genetic makeup. We all are made up from the same things that the stars, planets and the moon are made up of. It is only a matter of coming to the realization of what you truly are.”

There is a part of me that desperately wants to put up my defenses. But I think that this is a part of “being open minded” as people like to say. Closing myself

off to what she has to say now would defeat the purpose of coming here in the

first place.

“What do you mean by being made up from the same things that the stars, planets and the moon are made up of?”

“We are all made from the same material. Stardust if you will. We like to believe the nonsense that we have been taught about ourselves. The nonsense that we believe to facts. Those so called “facts” are merely stories that have been continually told through humankind for as long as those stories seemed feasible. All the while, Eastern and Native American spirituality has been put to the side.

Now we live in a society where we all worship a smaller version of a laptop that connects to app that shows people who are supposed to have more money than us and be happier than us. The sad truth is that those people are on drugs. In this country, most are alcoholics.”

I almost would like to question where she is going with this. Yet, I feel it. What she is saying resonates in a wacky. To tell you the truth, I have never enjoyed living in this society. It has always felt like a chore to me in so many ways. Consistently looking to keep up with trends that I did not care about. All for people that I do not care about or even like in the slightest. Seeking to live up to

expectations that have been unfairly placed on me by first my parents, but then society at large. None of it seemed fair. And even worse, I have always felt trapped within its confides. Not once did I think of there being a way out. The Shinrinyoku was however, pointing out something that is beginning to broaden my horizons. Horizons that had been set my whatever powers to be that have

maintained a presence in my life.

“Then, where does that leave me?”

“That leaves you to go and find the truth.”

“Wow.”

“Hit it on the nail?”

“In more ways than one.”

“Everyone is looking for truth. What happens is that the truth is so muddled up and lost in translation that no one knows what to believe anymore.”

“So then can you give me something to believe?”

“I can only show you the path my dear. It is up to you on what you choose to believe.”

“How do I get to that conclusion.”

“What do you feel like you are?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“If I were to strip you of your human identity. The identity that your family, friends, teachers and classmates have assessed to you, then where does that leave you? In that situation, who are you?”

What a question. She is basically asking me the biggest what if of what ifs. If I were stripped of everything that I have built my life around, then what does that make me? Who am I from there? What is my life? Where do I fit in? Does this “me” even exist in the first place? All these questions were things that I either never considered to ponder or didn’t want to place any emphasis on them. Whatever the case is, here I am, being forced to confront them.

“I don’t know. I don’t know how I could even come to that conclusion.”

“Close your eyes.”

“Close my eyes?”

“Don’t worry. Nothing is going to happen to you. Just close your eyes.”

“Okay.” I responded, closing my eyes.

“Count to three breathing in, then count to three breathing out. Do this three times. After that, breathe in rhythmically. Sit still and tell me when you find yourself.”

I sit still and do what she said. I begin looking for “myself.” But I am left empty handed. Truth be told, I don’t exactly understand what she is telling me to do. How am I supposed to find myself within myself? Maybe that is a part of the paradox. I guess.

“Any luck?”

“No. I feel lost.”

“Sounds like you are right on track.”

“Explain.”

“What is it that you are sensing?”

“Nothing.”

“And that is what is there.”

“Nothingness?”

“Precisely.”

“If nothingness is there, then how am I observing the nothingness?”

“Smart young lady.”

In not so many words she appears to be saying that I am in fact the observer, not the self that I thought that I have been this whole time. It feels like I am living in the Wall or something. The lies that have been fed to me must have really been full of shit as this is making me think twice about what life truly is all about.

“Any thoughts popping up into your head?” The Shinrinyoku asked in the nick of time.

“Actually, yes” I replied re opening my eyes.

“I assume some feelings are popping up?”

“Yes, for sure.”

“And you must surely be questioning your current belief system.”

“Yes.”

“Dear, listen closely. Those thoughts, feelings and beliefs, are not you. There lies nothing that you are looking for. While they are certainly real, they are not you. They are but clever distractions.”

Distractions seems like a harsh word. But if what she is saying is true, then it fits the bill. I have always been someone who has been, even likes, getting swept up by my thoughts. I love thinking myself out of situations. Always has felt like fun to me. My emotions have always felt like delicate little children to me. Delicate little children that needed to be protected by an angel in heaven. My beliefs something that up until recently, I have held tightly to. With everything that has gone on, those beliefs that felt so strong suddenly has holes poked all over them. It was the breaking down of those beliefs that lead me in here. Or better yet not having those beliefs is what made even take notice of the existence of this place to begin with.

“So.” I started. “Are you saying that I am nothing?”

“There is a school of thought that says that. I prefer to say that there is a true self. Right now, you are accessing that first layer.”

“How do I access the second layer?”

“Ask yourself this question, who is the one that is observing the observer?”

I close my eyes once again as I start to ask “who is the one observing the observer?” Then, a sense began to rise up in me. I never believed in extra sensory stuff. But this is something that cannot possibly be explained as anything else. There is without a doubt another observer. It is like this one is in the catbird’s seat. Watching my every move. Beyond all of the thoughts, feelings

and emotions that have seemed too precious to me. Not caring about any of that noise.

“How are you feeling?”

“I am not sure if I feel anything anymore.”

“Don’t worry. You do. It is simply that now you are recognizing those feelings for what they are. Ships that pass by in the night.”

I wish that the Shinrinyoku would not speak in such an airy-fairy way. All that it’s doing is making this experience feel way more out of this world. Maybe that’s the desired effect that she is going after. If so, good job. But still, I feel all sense of self deteriorating. I am almost forgetting why I even walked in here. I hope that there is a method to this madness.

“So…” I started as I opened my eyes. “When do we get to the psychic

reading?”

“Tell me, what is on your mind?”

“I don’t even know where to start. I’m sure you heard about the Demon that was hit and killed by a bus driver. I was there. I believe that I distracted him and he lost focus and ran over that Demon. Turns out that same bus driver had hit and killed a human pedestrian before. But he is getting nothing because it was a Demon this time. I went and saw him to talk to him and he was, not into it. I want to do something, I want to justice. I am getting some help. But it doesn’t feel like enough. I want to do more. I must do more. So, can you tell me, what can I do?

Silence settles in for a bit until the Shinrinyoku began to hum. Her humming is now beginning to sound more like some kind of prayer. I really want to open my eyes to see what the hell she is doing. But that seems rude and inappropriate. I want to trust the “process”. No matter how little sense it is making to me.

“You have a good heart in there dear. Your aura is one that is nice a bright vibe. I could feel that from the moment before you walked into my door. Something tells me that you want to become a better person.”

“Yes! Yes, I do!”

“You should know that you are already a good person. One who lacks a strong sense of self. But one who has the capacity to love. One that sees the value in all life, even if it is another life form that threatens your own. An infinite love if you will.”

Infinite love? Sounds like something out of a manga. Sounds like something that is so epic that it cannot be real. Even then, there is a part of me, a big chuck of me, that is really, really in love with that idea. Most people are not filled with love, much less infinite love. If I have that, then I can’t be as bad as I make myself out to be.

Deciding to sit inside my own silent darkness some more, I have begun to explore this “infinite love” that has been revealed to me. I can feel my heartbeat. Is that it? I have no idea. Right now, I am in the midst of darkness. A darkness that isn’t bad. But a darkness that has me enveloped in a peace that I have never felt before.

In a weird way, I want to stay here forever. It is like a void. A bottomless pit. A bottomless pit that is filled with only peace and harmony. I have forgotten my whole entire life. Nothing and no one is here. Even Hina, mother and father do not exist. All that exist is me noticing that I am breathing. Maybe this isn’t so weird and I am the weird one.

“Don’t lose yourself.” The Shinrinyoku warned.

“What do you mean?” I asked, snapping out of the trance that I have found myself in.

“While it is fine to dive into your own cave of wonders from time to time, you have to know when it is time to be in the physical world.”

“But what is the physical world sucks?”

“That is a thought that has that has turned into a judgement. You already know that you are not your thoughts. So then, that judgement is only another story that you are telling yourself.”

“I get what you’re saying. I really do. But I am telling you, the physical world sucks. Nobody actually cares about anyone else. We have these Demons who are from God knows where and they are bringing the whole world down to their knees. I have had this thought that I have shared with no one because I am scared of being…judged. That this is punishment from God for all of us being shitheads. Shitheads to each other, shitheads to the environment, using technology like it were our God. This whole world, it’s full of shit heads!”

As soon as I wrapped up and got off my soapbox, I see the Shinrinyoku staring at me. She is very good at concealing her emotions. The reason that I am saying that is because I feel that she is probably thinking about how much of a basket case. Yet, her face is one that comes across with understanding and concern.

“Sara, life has not gotten the way you want it. Is that fair to say?”

“Yes. I would say so. On both accounts.”

“Not an uncommon occurrence. The majority of people who visit me are not happy with their lives. Dare I say, the majority of people in the world are not happy with their lives. The difference is that some people are aware of their bondage, while others are blissfully aware, believing that they are free. It is the latter that had led to all these military industrial complexes that are all over the world. Now, with the Demons, people’s glass houses are being shattered. Most people are seeing this as scary. People with wisdom however are seeing this as an opportunity to truly liberate themselves.”

“Liberate themselves from what?”

“From the constraints that not only have been put on them by outside forces, but by themselves.”

“Okay. Then what does this mean for the world?”

“This means that the world is never going to be the same. That anyone who is holding on to the old ways is in for an even ruder awakening than what is taking place. Cycles are ending. The old way is dead. This is after all, the age of Aquarius.”

“You mean like that song?”

“In a way. But this is going to be more effective than the failed counterculture movement of the 60s. In a way, what a lot of people thought was going to happen at the turn of the century is happened twenty years later. Right when we least expect it. Right on time.”

“Right on time”. I have heard the saying that timing is everything many times. I don’t understand what she means by “right on time” in this case. Though, I just said how bad the world is. Maybe the world is so bad that Demons are causing a shakeup that is more than needed. Maybe it is the Demons who are the ones that are “right on time”.

“So, you think that this is all a matter of timing?”

“A lot of people in my community are calling it “divine timing”. Which is to say that what is happening in the world right now is all a part of the greater design that the creator has planned out for us.”

“But why would God give us something so harsh? Is this punishment?”

“Some people may see it as punishment. However, as I alluded to earlier, some people are seeing this an opportunity. To put it more bluntly, life is truly survival of the fittest. Some of us will fall by the wayside. Some of us will soar to the stars.”

“What is the deciding factor?”

“Beliefs. Whatever beliefs that you hold. And the willingness to drop those said beliefs on a dime. That is where in the inner struggle and conflict begins. Most people see the world as static when literally the earth is moving at 1670 kilometers per hour. Nothing ever stops. It does not matter how much anyone desires it so.”

“Okay. Now then, what does this all have to do with my issue?”

“This society is still operating on an old way. A way that does not serve the new order that is upon us. Turning a blind eye to serious issues is a common occurrence. That has been the way all governments have dealt with many issues all throughout the years. In its own way it has been effective. Leaving issues that need to be handled to next person who inhabits whichever office in

whichever country. Though, its ripple effects will always be felt by the people. And it will keep going until someone speaks up. And you are showing up as that someone.”

“Showing up as that someone?”

“During every point of history, there are people who are key figures in change. The population is slow to change and are always more than ready to ignore the signs. That is where the few brave ones who have grown weary of the way everything is and are striving to shake it up.”

“Shake it up”? That sounds intense. Way more intense than what I am striving for. I just feel bad and want to do something about it. I am not going for changing structures that have been in place since before I was born. Not only does that seem like a mission, it is more work than I am bargaining for.

“Why me?”

“Why not you?”

“I mean, there are plenty of reasons. I am about to graduate high school. I am not even going to be in country come fall unless this Demon thing really continues to put everything to a halt. I have no power. There is nothing that I can do to cause any significant shifts in my school, much less this country and then the world.”

“Beliefs. When are you going to drop those beliefs of yours? They are the only things that are holding you back from the greatness that is clear as day yours for the taking.”

“How can you say that it is clear as day? I have never done anything great in my life.”

“You are searching for the answers is proof that you are destined for something. You are more than what your current life and the circumstances that you find yourself entangled in are telling you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“You do not remember who you are talking to?”

“Good point.”

“It is all a matter of perspective my dear. How you see yourself is critical. If you see yourself as someone who is not worth much, your life will reflect as much. If you see yourself as someone who is here to move mountains, then it is mountains that you will move. With that said, I must ask you, what is it that you want? To be someone who blends in? Or someone who stands in their own power and is able to move mountains and therefore create waves?”

I wish that the Shinrinyoku would not speak in metaphors all the time. It makes me have to unravel everything that she is saying. As if each sentence is a code needing to be cracked. Still, underneath all of the fancy wording that she was spitting out is a feeling that has a dissonant resonance with me. That dissonance is driving me to go further.

“I can’t say that I want to create waves.”

“There are many parallel universes that are taking place as we speak. In one you may be the prime minister of Japan. In another, you could be crackhead. This universe just so happens to be the one where your awareness is placed. That in it of itself is a miracle. You cannot sit here and tell me that you are uninterested in living your best life? Are you?”

“I mean, of course I want to live my best life.”

“The what is that is stopping you?”

“I am scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“Scared of things not working out. Scared that I don’t know what I am doing. Scared that I am wrong.”

“That fear is useless.”

“Say what?”

“That fear that you are holding to. It is useless. Totally useless. It is of no use to you. That is your ego hanging onto any remnants of who you once were.”

“Who I once was? What do you mean by that?”

“Since you have entered my space, you have undergone a change. You do realize that, right?”

It had not dawned on me how I have changed in less than an hour. Yet, she is right. I have changed. I do not feel so burdened by anyone or anything anymore. All of the problems in my life do not seem like problems anymore. Only situations that I am involved in. It is subtle, but I am finding myself to not be who I once was.

“Yeah, I do feel different.”

“And this is only the beginning. From here, there is no turning back. You are not going to want to anyway. Life will seem like a boring chain of events if you do. This is where you can create the life that you have always dreamed of. The life that you thought was possible only when you were a child.”

“You think that is possible?”

“I know it is possible.”

“Okay, then, what now? What do I do about this?”

“You stand up for what you believe in. It is the only reasonable course of action at this point in time. You stand firm in what you believe in and go from there.”

“Okay, but what do I do? Where do I go?”

“The right people, places and things will present themselves to you in divine timing.”

“How long will I have to wait for that?”

“Who knows? I suppose that is why they call it divine timing. All you need to do is know what you want out of this. When all is said and done, what is the best possible outcome for you?”

Wow. All this time that I have spent worrying and concentrating on what I have perceived to be this major obstacle in my life, I never, not once sat down to ask myself “what is it that I want from this?” “What is it that will give me a satisfying conclusion when all is said and done?” Those thoughts didn’t cross my mind. Now here I sit, with that question directly in front of me. Needing to be

answered for me to move forward.

You can call that it is the million-dollar question.

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