CHAPTER 28: Bunny

"You give yourself permission to grieve by recognizing the need for

grieving. Grieving is the natural way of working through the loss of a love.

Grieving is not weakness nor absence of faith. Grieving is as natural as crying

when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired or sneezing when your nose itches.

It is nature's way of healing a broken heart."

– Doug Manning

After what happened at the arena, I immediately follow Ms. Kazumi to apologize. I was wrong. And I did fail her on that part. I became really weak in facing that exam. I did let myself got beaten by my weakness.

But how can I stop myself from escaping that?

How can I stop myself from trying to run away, if I know those people are innocent?

How can I have the face to kill them?

To kill the woman with her unborn child?

To kill that crying kid in front of me?

To kill a loving father, who is willing to take all the suffering to himself, in exchange of his family's life?

To steal away their right to live?

How can I have the face to be irrational? If in the first place, I was raise by my mom fair and rational?

I do know they are just plainly a sacrifice to achieve our goal.

To save hundred thousands of life…

To protect my angels…

To have them out of this inferno alive…

For the safety of the people, I treasured inside this hell…

For the success of our plan…

For me to grow as an assassin…

I do know too, that if I didn't kill them I can put those people dear to me in danger inside this inferno...

I know...

But I just can't...

Even if I wanted to...

Even if I tried to...

I...

I'm too weak to even lift a single finger to kill them...

I am too terrified to steal away, the life of the innocents.

To steal away the life, god let them borrowed…

And to kill an infant, who haven't see the world yet…

A three year old kid, who were so innocent and weak…

And I am mad at myself because of that...

I am mad because I almost ruined the plan.

Because I am selfish enough to escape...

Because I am a coward...

A terrified cat hiding at the back of a tiger...

So when I enter Ms. Kazumi's room, I already know...

She's mad.

Disappointed rather.

Just by looking at her, she looks like she wanted to claw me in anger.

"I'm sorry," I uttered in a weak voice.

"What do you want?" Ms. Kazumi answered in a very cold voice.

I look at my feet, still putting my head down. I felt so guilty for the death of that native family from awhile ago.

I don't have the heart to say even a single word to rebut Ms. Kazumi just like the usual.

She waits for my answer for a second, but then when she realized I no longer have anything to say, she started to give me a very disappointed look.

"What the freaking hell are you planning to do, just awhile ago? What if you did mess with our plan? Are you still with us? Just tell me if you don't want to work with us any longer. I'll go find a good replacement." She yelled at me angrily.

I wanted to cry in front of her, but I am too guilty to even shed a bit of tear, because of what I did. I am so ashamed for what I did just a while ago, so I keep myself silent, taking every word she said at heart.

I know it's my fault, and I deserve every painful word she keeps on throwing at me now.

"You are so selfish Rinleigh. I am so disappointed with you." She added.

"I'll give you another chance to prove yourself tomorrow. So you better not mess things up. You can go now." She said dismissing me.

All I did is to nod my head as an answer, before getting out of her office, as I shut the door close.

I feel so down today because of what happened.

I feel so guilty and hurt as well. I don't have any face to prove my worth.

I mess things up, so bad unintentionally.

I'm so afraid what I did will cause my angels and many more of the native people's death.

Ms. Kazumi is right...

Even I, feel so disappointed with myself.

I took a deep breath, before sighing as I walk to where the bunny is placed.

She was inside a cage, which the three of us built as her home.

I brought broccoli as her treats, before placing it inside her cage. The bunny tries to eat the food I bought for her in silence.

I pat her head, before caressing her bunny ears. I smiled bitterly at her, feeling so gloomy about what happened awhile ago.

I already miss my angels.

I miss the three idiots so bad, it made me shed into tears...

I wonder what's happening now in our cell...

I wonder if those three are still eating just fine...

I wonder if they are ok...

I wonder if the Low Rank treats them nicely...

I'm pretty sure if they were here, they won't let me feel this pathetic...

Kurt will crack corny jokes to make me laugh...

I'm pretty sure Sean will hug my sides while putting his chin on my shoulder as he caresses my hair...

And Josh? He will cuss and curse all the people who make me feel bad, even though trash talking to other people is not his thing...

I miss them...

I miss them so damn much...

Now I no longer have a companion whenever I feel so alone, and hurt...

If only they were here with me...

If only were not inside this inferno...

I was crying silently in the corner while watching the bunny eat in peace when a group of assassins came to me.