Hello, the story is good but there is a lot of mistakes at writing. First the quality of the whole story would be better with punctuation.
For example :
Shuri hello all is good and you
By Shuri : Hello all is good and you ?
Or "Hello all is good and you ?" (Shuri)
If you put a few symbol like " x " /' x ' /[ x ] for dialog / though / system that would make the story more interesting to read. Right now it is not unreadable but difficult. That makes me want to skip a few passage.
In a whole its good. But long text without a point symbol and Uppercase put a lot of trouble. At least there is return to the line and blank lines between two phrase. So it is not a lost case.
Well good luck to you author, I wish you take a look to those few hints :) I will continue the reading of that fanfic don't give up.
