Snape Likes Thick Bottoms

Days passed since the second attack of the thieving singing, casually racist goblins. As always, the Hogwarts Deputy Caretaker of Magical Sanitation was on the case, trying to find one clue. He got his Sherlock Holmes on, and prepared to scour the Hogwarts grounds for any clue of what happened, but at this point in time, he found absolutely nothing, which was something.

"How did the meteors affect the goblins?" Deadpool wondered. "Why did they get affected? Are there any more Hogwarts students who got special powers? Any of the staff? Who is this mysterious singing goblin? Questions, questions, questions!"

Deadpool swung his back and inadvertently bopped Argus Filch in the face.

"Watch where you're swinging your fist, you crazy!" Filch barked. "And let me tell you something, you think these damn goblins are going to get the better of me again."

"Well, they got the better of everyone," Deadpool said.

"Well, I'm going to catch one of those foul things and he'll lead me to his pot of gold," Filch said. "I can't be dealing with this school and it's bullshit anymore. Between Voodoo Hillbillies and now singing goblins...well I'm looking for a way out. I'm fixing to retire in twenty two thousand, eight hundred, and sixty nine days."

Deadpool mentally did the math in his head.

"Wow, that's a lot of days," Deadpool said.

"You damn skippy," Filch said in a low growl. "So, I'm building this goblin trap that some goon named Fletcher sold me. Cost me two years salary to get it, but the jokes on that guy, because I'll be getting in the money. Just because I'm a squib, doesn't mean that I'm a sucker."

"No, it just means you squirt ink everywhere when you're excited," Deadpool said.

Filch took out a hammer and prepared to assemble the goblin trap. He hit himself on the thumb and swore.

"Ah, the days of your youth when your father did home improvement," Deadpool wistfully said. "And how you learned so many colorful words when he did so."

Deadpool turned around just in time to come face to face with Draco Malfoy.

"You!" Malfoy yelled. "I need to talk to you."

"Why?" Deadpool asked.

"Because Snape told me to come to you if I had a problem, and since you're the Hogwarts Grief Counselor!" Draco shouted. "And I'm in grief for what those goblins did to me."

"Did they touch you?" Deadpool asked.

"They stole my robes!" Draco yelled. "They were hand sewn by goblin made silk, the finest products, and now I have to wear these standard robes."

Draco did a spin, showing off his standard, normal, ordinary Hogwarts robes. He looked practically snooty when doing so.

"Well, you look fine just the way you are," Deadpool said. "Actually, your robes look exactly the same as everyone else, so I don't see what the problem is?"

"Listen up, I should have the finest robes," Draco said. "Because, I'm the finest little boy. My mother said so, so it must be true."

Deadpool chuckled into the back of his hand, but grew serious.

"Well, I got my watch stolen by those flying rogues," Deadpool said.

"Who cares?" Draco asked.

"You know something,' Deadpool said. "If you occasionally had apathy for people other than yourself, then maybe people would feel sorry for you."

Draco scoffed at that deplorable notion. Feel sorry for other peoples? Misfortune happened to other people, not Draco Malfoy. He was Draco Malfoy, the most noble child of Slytherin. He was special, just ask his mother, she would set you straight.

"What is that idiot squib doing?" Draco asked.

"He's building a goblin trap."

Draco eyed the trap.

"Does it work?" Draco asked.

"Maybe," Deadpool commented.

"YOU BLOODY WANKER!"

"I think he's going on smoothly," Wade told Draco. "But….maybe if he had a little bit of help…."

"When he builds the trap, you're to let me know," Draco demanded. "Because, we're going to use to the trap to catch the goblin who took my finest silk robes."

"Don't forget the family pimp cane," Wade chimed in.

Draco wrinkled his nose for a second. How could he forget his father's precious pimp cane? Lucius Malfoy took a term for the depressing ever since losing his pimp cane. He started to laze around the Manor, in nothing but his peacock feather underwear, eating caviar and shrimp all day long, until he gained about thirty or so pounds. And that was nothing compared to the dodgy poetry that Lucius sent his son every day, lamenting his loss in life.

If Lucius was not careful, that Margot Dingle woman would be sniffing around, and boy did she give Draco a case of the creeps. To think someone got off from someone hitting rock bottom like that.

"How could I forget?" Draco asked. "We need to get back my robes and my pimp cane and my mother's pearls…."

"I would give your mother a pearl necklace any time she wants one," Wade chimed in.

'Wow,' one of the voices in his head stated.

"How could you afford it with how Dumbledore pays you?" Draco asked.

"You'll understand when you get older," Wade said with a knowing smile. "But, maybe if you gave Filch a hand…."

"That sounds like a house elf thing to do," Draco said almost bored. "You're go come to me at once when you finish the job."

"Do I look like a house elf?" Wade asked.

Draco turned his back.

'You know, he wouldn't be half bad if he wasn't such a self entitled brat,' Deadpool thought.

Wade turned around to face a surly Severus Snape, which distracted him from Filch managing to work all seven words into a tirade.

"You're doing well today," Wade said.

"No, I'm not," Snape shortly snapped. "All of my cauldrons have been stolen by those goblins. And the best local cauldrons are goblin made. I'm on the hunt for a local shop which sells human made cauldrons."

"Why not buy internationally?" Wade asked.

"I prefer local," Snape said. "Cauldron standards are a bit deplorable overseas. It's made of cheap material which leaks on through, and destroys the cauldron. It's a racket, but only complete idiots buy cauldrons outside of Britain. Of course, the prices are going to go up now that those infernal goblins are stealing the cauldrons that are goblin made."

"There seems to be a lot of goblin made things in this world," Wade said.

"Yes," Snape said. "Yes, there is. Because for the most part, we have grown too dependent on goblin-made products and they are one rebellion away from crippling the entire magical economy."

"Why don't wizards have their own magical type bank that can be run by humans?" Wade asked. "I mean, there surely has to be some wizards who were good with math, isn't there?"

One could see the long stare given from Snape to Wade, with Snape's expression being like Deadpool is quite frankly daft.

"The point is, I must find some locally made cauldrons," Snape said. "And I hope this problem is resolved soon. I shudder to think what would happen if someone like Longbottom was forced to buy an international cauldron. He does enough havoc with a British cauldron, in all of their thick bottom glory."

"So, you a fan of thick bottoms?" Deadpool asked.

"Yes, the thicker the better," Snape said.

He shook his head. There was no way that Filch was going to complete that goblin trap without magic, but unfortunately, Snape had better things to do with his life. He doubted very much the goblin trap would work anyway.

"Bloody wanker...Morgana's period blood!"

The cursing of Argus Filch continued when he tried to to erect the goblin trap. He collapsed down onto the ground, breaking out into a frustrated scream and a howl of agony. Filch rocked back and forth, his ribs hurting like hell.

X-X-X

Deadpool scoured the Hogwarts grounds for any hint of the meteor rocks that blew all over the Castle and the grounds. If he found a fragment of the rock, then perhaps he could figure out a way to get some kind of immunity towards goblins.

The one and only Luna Lovegood stumbled out of a side entrance of the castle, her usual dreamy expression on her face.

"Hello, Deputy Assistant Caretaker Wilson," Luna said. "How was your summer?"

"Pretty interesting, until those goblins robbed me," Wade said.

"Yes," Luna commented. "People are stealing my things all the time. They turn up. Except for that one sock ,which never turns up. That's sad."

Luna cupped the underside of her chin, closing her eyes and humming. She would like to know where all of those missing socks went. Maybe they had some kind of secret sock party. She hoped they were having a good time.

She frowned when adjusting the X-Ray spectacles.

"What's wrong?" Wade asked.

"I think these X-Ray Spectacles are defective," Luna casually said. "They're supposed to see through people. But, they only see through clothes."

Wade just offered a smile when Luna turned her head around and slipped the spectacles down before walking off as dreamily as she arrived.

'Didn't we do that joke in another story?' Wade asked.

'Damn if I remember,' another voice commented.

Wade turned face to face with Percy Weasley. Percy jumped halfway up into the air and pointed his finger at Wade.

"YOU!" Percy yelled.

"Me?" Wade asked. "What did I do know?"

"I was supposed to be working for the Ministry of Magic, but now you've ruined my career prospects by exposing the fact that my former pet rat was really a wizard who killed the Potters," Percy said.

"Well, it wasn't intentional," Wade said.

"What am I supposed to do with my life?" Percy demanded. "You're the Hogwarts Grief Counselor...so council me!"

Percy shrieked these last words in a way that would very nearly put Molly Weasley at her finest to shame. Wade slipped his glasses onto his face and took out his clipboard.

"So, perhaps we should start with your childhood," Wade said. "Do you think that your desire to advance in the Ministry of Magic is a way to stand out from your brothers and your sister?"

"Well, obviously I'm better than any of them," Percy said. "Ginny is neurotic, Ron is a chronic underachiever, Fred and George are menaces to society, Charlie is a death seeker, and Bill…well, he's Bill. Everything that I've done, it doesn't matter. He was prefect first, Head Boy first, he got twelve OWLs first. The only thing that I have over Bill is having a respectable job and you took that away!"

Percy jabbed Wade in the chest, poking that angrily.

"Okay, your problem is that you don't stand out in any way beyond your siblings," Wade commented. "You don't have anything other than your pompous personality, and you are average looking!"

"I'm not average looking!" Percy pompously yelled.

"The point is, you need to be more comfortable in your own skin and who you are," Wade said. "You won't get anywhere by following others around, trying to please them. Your problem is you never will be considered anything other than a puppet..for your mother...for the Ministry...for the teachers...and for your older brothers!"

"I'm no puppet!" Percy yelled.

"Prove it then!" Wade shouted. "You need to get out there and do something...anything to stand out on the pack. You need a whole new look...and a whole new you...and you need to be a whole new Percy Weasley!"

Percy raised his eyebrow for a second.

"So, you're saying if I do something dramatic, then the Ministry will have to hire me," Percy said. "If I do something, like say stop those goblins who are robbing people blind, I will be able to get any job I want in the Ministry of Magic."

"Yeah, sure, let's go with that," Wade said.

"I'm going to show that I'm the best in my family!" Percy yelled. "I'm going to show that I'm not a puppet. I'm going to be a hero! Everyone will know my name when I take down those goblins. I'm going to be Percy Weasley, goblin slayer!"

'That kid's going to get murdered,' one of the logical parts of Wade's mind commented.

'Nah he's going to be fine,' Wade thought. 'Okay, maybe a little bit murdered'

Percy danced around, just as Draco Malfoy stepped outside.

"What are you doing, Weasley?" Draco asked.

"I'm going to take down the goblins!" Percy yelled. "I'm going to be the hero that saved the wizarding world from the evil goblins!"

Draco just broke out in bemusement. Now he would pay to see this one. Weasley getting ripped apart when he tried something against the goblins. Percy Weasley wouldn't last five seconds against a goblin warrior.

"Well, that's interesting," Malfoy commented. "You'll be more famous that Harry Potter, Dumbledore, and Merlin all rolled into one, if you keep this up."

"YES!" Percy yelled. "I will live in infamy!"

"That's right, you will," Malfoy said. "I've had my own problems with the goblins! Therefore, I suggest the two of us join forces to take down those filthy creatures and get back my father's pimp cane! And my robes! And my mother's pearls."

"And my dignity!" Percy yelled.

"Too late for that," Malfoy muttered.

"Wait, a Weasley and a Malfoy joining together?" Wade asked. "What's next, dogs and cats living together?

Percy did not hear any of this statements. He just jumped up and down in the air.

"It's finished!" Filch cheered. "My goblin trap is finished….all I need is the perfect bait to lure them here...something goblin made."

The entire party pondered what goblin made thing they could use. Suddenly, Percy Weasley pondered himself into a brainstorm.

"My Great Auntie Muriel's Tiara," Percy said. "It's goblin made."

"And about the most expensive thing in your family, right?" Draco asked.

"Well, your mother is the cheapest thing in your household, Malfoy," Percy fired back.

"That...was kind of lame," Deadpool said.

"What's this Muriel chick like anyway?" Filch asked.

"Well, she's no chick," Percy said. "She makes Mum look like Fred and George."

Filch lost all desire. He almost collapsed down to the ground a few seconds later. As if that harpy was bad, someone who made her look as carefree as those hellion twins, no Argus Filch did not want at all. Suddenly, Luna turned up at their shoulders, as if appearing out of nowhere.

"Oh, are we going to go on some kind of adventure?" Luna asked.

"We're going to trap a bunch of goblins with a magical tiara," Wade said. "Do you think Muriel will let us use it as bait?"

"Well, no, but I suppose that….we could borrow it for a couple of days and return it before she misses it," Percy said.

"Don't you mean that you would steal it?" Malfoy asked.

"No, I'm merely borrowing it without asking," Percy said.

"Which is stealing," Draco commented.

"Look, I don't need to get a morality lesson for a Malfoy…."

"Weren't you the one who was keeping a murderer for a pet rat?"

"Weren't you the one who was keeping a murderer for a father?"

Deadpool clapped his hands as Percy and Draco stared down at each other.

"Don't make me send either of you to the dunce corner," Deadpool said.

The two glared at each other, their arms folded at each other. Draco had no desire to return to the dunce corner.

"Let me get my tools from Dumbledore's office and we'll be off to get the tiara!" Deadpool cheered.

Luna, Deadpool, Draco, Percy, and Filch all entered the school when they came face to face with Severus Snape.

"What are you doing?" Snape asked, eying the least likely party of people he could have ever come up with.

"We're going to steal…."

"Borrow!" Percy corrected Draco.

"Fine, we're going to borrow a tiara, without asking, and use it to trap the goblins to get our things back," Draco said. "So my father stops writing me dodgy poetry, so Weasley can attempt to get some dignity, so Filch can retire, and so Wilson can get his stupid watch back."

"It's not stupid, it's a collectable!" Wade yelled.

"Fine," Draco said with a disgusted shake of his head. "And I'm not quite sure why Lovegood is coming."

"The goblins might be hoarding socks," Luna said. "I should put a stop to such behavior."

"And where are Crabbe and Goyle in all of this?" Snape asked. "Didn't your father pay them to be your friends?"

That caused Malfoy to wince and Percy to giggle.

"The Head Boy shouldn't be bullying students, Weasel-Breath!" Malfoy snapped. "And I'm not sure where Crabbe and Goyle went...last time I heard from them...they were talking about going to a trip to Rand Mcnally. It was some place they saw on a map...and I guess they wanted to go on a holiday there...they must still be looking at it."

"Why hasn't anyone noticed that Crabbe and Goyle haven't shown up for a month?" Luna asked. "Oh, and Rand Mcnally is a beautiful place. Nice view of the ocean."

Snape wondered why he had the misfortune of being surrounded by lunatics.

"I'm coming with," Snape said. "Those goblins took my cauldrons, and I will get them back."

Plus, he wanted to see most of this group get ripped apart in the attempt to rob goblins. Or Muriel Prewitt, which would be even more amusing. That old bag made Molly look very subdued and Snape wanted a first row seat ot the carnage.

"What's all this then?"

Albus Dumbledore stepped out of one of the many secret passageways to Hogwarts.

"Headmaster, we're going on a trip to avenge ourselves against the goblins," Wade said.

"Well, as the Headmaster, I should strongly discourage you from this excursion," Dumbledore said.

"You really should, shouldn't you?" Luna asked. "Oh, I have those Sherbert Lemons that you just love, Headmaster."

"GIMME!" Dumbledore yelled like a three year old with a sugar high.

He tore into the lemons. Minerva swiped his stash earlier this year. He had no idea what Xeno Lovegood put in those things, but bless him for it. Why Albus Dumbledore could see magic.

"While the Headmaster is tripping balls, I suggest we leave," Snape casually said. "Weasley, you should lead the way."

Percy nodded, but he had some misgivings. But, surely, it was not stealing, if you intended to return the item in question right. And besides, it was for a good cause, to prove himself to be a hero.

"Maybe we should have asked Harry Potter to come along?" Luna asked.

"The main character of the franchise actually showing up in this story?" Deadpool asked. "Perish the thought.

"Potter, what good would he do?" Snape asked. "Still haven't caught that flying girl that he's hanging around with, but I will."

"Professor Snape, with all due respect, perhaps you should get a hobby?" Malfoy asked.

Snape gave him one of those looks, that cause Malfoy to just barely hold control of his bladder. It was a good thing that Draco was a Slytherin because otherwise he would be boned and not in the fun way.

'Wouldn't the Draco and Snape pairing be shortened to Drape?'

'It is now.'

Regardless, this motley crew departed from the grounds, into danger, mystery, and destruction, risking life and limb to get a cauldron. Percy Weasley, Draco Malfoy, Luna Lovegood, Argus Filch, Severus Snape, and last, but not least, Wade Wilson, were on the hunt for adventure and fun.

Dumbledore was too preoccupied studying a spoon to care.