Comments of chapter undefined of Death... and me
Death... and me
Suiyan
Chapter comments45
Iām going to be honest here: I think your concept was good but not the execution. You have a tendency to describe what I feel are unnecessary points in great detail, making your story feel dull and boring. I know you probably added the dynamic between Rean and Death for a lighter, comedy feel, which worked for the first chapter, but how they seem to completely ignore the weirdness of their situation kind of makes it seem cheesy and unnatural. Also, I feel about ten years older after reading the first eight chapters. Again, the long, non-important rambling description is the cause of this. The reincarnation sequence bored me a lot, to put it simply. Finally, the last criticism I want to make is your introduction of Valemās history. The leading family all feel like Mary Sues, rainbows and sunshine, and the whole rebellion bit is basically just āheroes defeat villains, happy ever afterā. Also, the information dump was, in my opinion, completely unnecessary. This could just be a personal thing, but my opinion is that itās going to be a lot harder for me as a reader to connect with Rean. Readers learn about the new world alongside the characters; thatās what makes their journey so entertaining. If we already know everything, that takes away any potential surprise elements. Iām not here to flame you. However, I think constructive criticism is a key to improving and I have said what I find are problems. If you manage to improve your writing with what I have said, then Iāll be happy. Iāve found exactly one story that has truly captivated me on this site so far and Iād really like some more of that quality. You donāt have to listen to me, but hereās my thoughts anyway. Every story has potential. Maybe Iāll come back in a while to see if this story has changed. AyakoA-chan
