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Heartbreak

Heartbreak change everything. And too painful but we need to move forward.

Heartbreak. . .

What is the most painful? Breaking up or that certain person leaves permanently? Might be, still bearable if you will see the person you treasured being happy with someone. Than with the fact, there is no trace of that person being alive.

I found love and hope with him. But then, he left me broken. There's no point to shed a tears for him who doesn't know anything.

"You have to, isa pa it's your dream." I said, not wanting being a hindrance for attaining his dream.

"But. . ." I cut him off.

"What's the matter with?" tanong ko sa kanya. "dahil ba sa'kin?"

I let him pursued his dreams. Sa kadalihanang nangarap na siya o mas tamang sabihin na pangarap na niya iyon bago pa man ako dumating sa buhay niya. And I wanted to be a part of it, by supporting him. Kung mahal mo ang isang tao hahayaan mo siyang abutin ang pangarap niya. Let that person manifest the personality which was given to him or her. It doesn't mean that you're both into relationship, your personality would merge. You are your own as well as your partner, because relationship means working together as an equal.

That's how our relationship was. He was my first love and I thought he'll be my last. But everything became mess. I remembered those scenes playing in my mind.

"No its not. I just doubting about, I mean pwede ko namang hindi ituloy iyon." ika naman niya.

My forehead creased with what he said. "An opportunity, why would you not grab it? Alam ko namang gusto mo iyon dati pa." I said trying to let him see, what kind of opportunity he had. I don't want him to decline the offer, doon siya mag-aaral sa America. To pursue his dreams that someday he'll be a film director. Mismong pagkakataon na ang nagbukas ng oportunidad – isang napakagandang oportunidad.

"I know, pero pwede namang dito sa Pilipinas."

Kahit hindi man niya sabihin alam ko kung ano ang totoong reason niya. Keeping him from accepting the offer. I am not a pushy girlfriend, that I keep on insisting him to go. Ayaw ko lang na dumating siya sa pagkakataon na pinagsisihan niya na pinalagpas iyon.

"Go for it, kahit para sa'kin nalang."

He heaved a sighed, dahil sa kakulitan ko. Makulit na siguro ako sa makulit. I have to do my best para lang mapapayag siya.

"Okay, but I do have ultimatum."

Napakunot naman ang noo ko. What is that ultimatum anyway? "Ano naman 'yang sinasabi mong ultimatum?"

He just too unpredictable in many ways. And as far as I knew, hindi naman talaga kailangan.

"Go for your dreams as well." Ika niya, na siya namang nagpatahimik sa'kin. "I know, how you love writing. Don't let anyone choose for you."

He was the one who pursued me that I should write more. I should be fearless and brave enough to do the things I wanted. Yeah, he was not just my first love but also my number one supporter. Sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko, siya iyong isa sa mga tao na patuloy na nagbibigay suporta sa pagsusulat ko.

Na sa isang banda, isipin ko din naman ang sarili ko at huwag lagi ang iba. Na dapat hindi ako matakot sa kung anong posibleng ibato sa akin ng mga taong nasa paligid ko. Simply because of the thing I love to do.

And to make the story short, I agreed with. For him to pursued his dreams. I studied in prestigious college in the country, but I took the field that my parents wanted without him knowing it. He, on the other hand, went to abroad and study what he really wanted. We parted our ways, and chase for our own dreams. Staying supportive though we were oceans apart.

The different was, he pursued his own and I took the opposite. When we talked via phone or any social media, I lied. Everything was fine and I'm really savoring those. Taliwas sa kung ano ang totoo. Hindi ko sinabi na hindi ko kinuha ang kursong may kinalaman sa journalism. I felt guilty.

Months, years pass by. We were in junior, I got a message from him. He planned of having two weeks' vacation here in the Philippines. Of course, I'm happy. After years of not seeing each other. Finally, kahit simpleng bakasyon lang iyon.

And that awaiting day came. It was mid-December, tinawagan ako ng mommy niya. I thought, it was a good news. Hindi na kasi siya nagpasundo pa sa airport. Mas gusto niyang mag-commute nalang. I remembered the time, four pm when tita Clime called me. Instead of the expected good news, was the heartbreaking moment of my life.

"Sophie, Mike got an accident. He was rushed in the hospital." My body became numb.

I was trying to calm my voice keeping it from stuttering. "T-tita your just kidding right?" I tried to say it in humor, na taliwas sa kung ano ang nararamdaman ko. Emotions which scares me, my tears are slowly falling. Malakas na din ang tibok ng puso ko hindi sa saya kundi a sobrang kaba. Nanginginig na rin ang kamay ko na nakahawak sa telepono.

"I am not honey. In Rodriguez Hospital. Doon nalang tayo magkita." And the call ended.

I rushed into the hospital na pag-aari ng uncle niya, hindi ko alam how I got there in less than twenty minutes. The fateful day na akala mo maging masaya ka, kasi magkikita kayo ng mukhaan. Pero hindi pala.

I keep on chanting, nothing bad happened. Somehow only a bluff. Na kapag magkaharap kaming dalawa, I would see him smiling widely at me. In return, mababatukan ko siya dahil pinakaba niya ko ng husto.

"Hey, you should try."

"Don't worry, I'll be here. Supporting you."

"Just cry it all out, until you feel fine."

"I don't want to see you crying."

Those sentiments coming from him, every time I felt so down. Bumabalik sa alaala ko, naging dahilan upang mas lalo pang pinabibigat ang kalooban ko. Those words na nagsisilbing lakas ko, same words which dragging me down into the misery. Ang isiping may nangyaring hindi maganda sa kanya ay mas lalong pinipiga ang puso ko.

"Tita." I blurted out when I see her mother with bloodshot eyes dahil sa kakaiyak. Na siyang nagpapadagdag sa kabang nararamdaman ko. Tita clime was in the hospital ward crying her heart out.

"He wants to talk to you." I stared at her and forced a smile. Dahil ramdam na ramdam ko ang hindi magandang pangyayari. He's okay Sophia, so don't be a worry geek. Saway ko ng lihim sa aking sarili ko.

Hindi ko gusto ang kabang nararamdaman ko. Pumunta ako sa loob ng hospital room kung saan siya.

"Mike." Pilit kong pinapatatag ang boses ko ng lumapit sa kanya.

He smiles when he saw me. Alam kong hindi iyon umaabot sa kanyang mata. Isang pilit na ngiti. I smiled at him. The way he smiled that moment, like he was actually encouraging me. Pero unti-unti rin namang tumutulo ang luhang pinipigilan ko. Binundol ako ng matinding kaba.

"Don't cry." He said, at hinawakan niya ang nanginginig kong kamay. "I miss you."

"I miss you too." Wika ko naman. "I'm glad you're okay."

Hindi siya sumagot, pinisil lang niya ng mahigpit ang kamay ko na hawak niya. I don't know why, but seems sending me a message saying goodbye.

"Lalaban ka naman hindi ba?" hindi ko alam kung saan ko nakuha ang lakas upang itanong sa kanya ang mga 'yon.

Nakita ko namang napailing siya. The hope I was building slowly noong nakita ko siyang ngumiti pagpasok ko sa silid kung nasaan siya, unti-unting gumuho. "I'm scared to say, I can't anymore."

Umiiling ako, "You're kidding ri-right? Huwag moakong biruin ng ganyan, Mike Rafael Gonzalo." I blurted out, I taste the saltytaste from my own tears. "hi-hindi naka-katu-wang bi-ro 'yan." Hindi ko mapigilang mautal dahil sa takot.He holds my hand tighter, "Li-li-sten, a-alamk-ko na-man na hindi mo gina-wa ang pi-na-ngako mo sa'kin no-ong umalis a-ako."Tuluyan na akong napaiyak, he knows. Of course he knows kailan ba akonakapagtago sa kanya ng sekreto. Huminga

siya ng malalim at nagsalita ulit. "But this time, gawin mo para sa'kin. P-pursue your dreams kahit iyan nalang. Always remember I l-love y-you so much. Be brave and f-fearl-less S-sophie."

And he raised his other hands to touch my face. "Don't cry, I hate seeing you c-cry." Ika naman niya sa nanghihinang boses. "P-please smile for me."

I tried to, I forced out a smile, he smiled too. A real smile then he finally closed her eyes. Kasabay ng kanyang pagpikit ay siya namang pagbitiw sa kamay ko.

"Hey, M-mike." Nanginginig ko pang tapik sa pisngi niya. It wasn't a good joke, was it? If it was really a joke, yet no it was never a joke. How I wish was it. "D-don't fo-fool m-me a-aro-und. Hi-hindi k-ka na-kaka-tu-wa." I stuttered, ang bigat sa dibdib. "W-wake up ple-plea-se."

"Hi-ja." I heard Tita Clime said ng hinawakan niya ang balikat ko. "He's gone." Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng boses niya. I didn't notice her, when she come in.

"N-no, Ti-ta. . ." I stuttered, when I look at her. "H-he mi-mi-ght fo-fooling ar-round. Kila-la ni-niyo na-man p-po ang anak n-niyo. Mapagb-biro." Sambit ko pa, binigyan ko pa siya ng ngiti. She just shakes her head than saying anything.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa kanya. They're just joking. I said eternally, patuloy parin ako sa paggising sa kanya.

"Mike? Mike! Mike!" I shouted when I know that he won't open his eyes again. Not again. His smiles and all about him.

I don't know how many times, I called him just to wake up. Pero walang nangyari. I cried a lot that moment. The only thing I remembered.

Mike Rafael Gonzalo, Time of death – 4:45 PM