Station 1

The town of Monte that night was one of the most memorable things of the year. Everyone's outside, watching the firework show which was funded by the town officials to give joy to its people. Different colors splashed on the night sky like a fountain of light together with a boom. Different cheers and whispers of awe was all over the place, especially those children wearing a red triangular hat with a fur ball at the top that fall smoothly to the back of their head.

Aside from the fireworks, the whole town was also decorated by different lanterns that vary in colors, sizes and designs. Colorful lights blink like stars in different home together with other decors, particularly the figure of the big fat man who's wearing red and have a snow-white beard. There are also elves, reindeers, and trees with decorations of flowers, garlands, fairy lights, candy canes, socks and snowman. Bellow the trees are paper bags or boxes with patterns and ribbons. Every house in town screams joy and have this lively atmosphere; except at the house on the corner of Swish street.

The structure looks good. It shows a good status of living with its two floors and a garage. The exterior of white walls and wooden decors tell that the owner earns enough. But it wasn't well-lighted—the only source of light just came from the room on the second floor. It's a good house, but not a home. Yet, after some time, the whole house was engulfed by darkness.

Zaddie tried to call her mother but she didn't picked up. She's been calling her but it it'll just ring. She tried one more time only to heard the news that the line was out of coverage area. She bit her lower lip before looking around.

Darkness was screaming even to the corner of her room yet she still manage to see her bed table, where an awful-taste cold noodles she bought earlier at the convenient store was lying. She sighed.

She's alone again; with darkness. She thought she'd get used to it  but she didn't. She'll always be scared of darkness who's slowly eating her sane. She feared that she might do things again.

Slut.

She faced to her right when she heard something.

Whore.

She heard a voice again. She felt her heart beating faster.  She straightened  and sit properly on her bed. She tried to forget about the voice when she heard it again.

Rape baby.

Home wrecker.

Illegitimate child.

Rebound.

She fisted her hands never caring that her nails were digging into her palms.

Back stabber.

Useless girlfriend.

Worthless mother.

"No!"

She tossed the table on her bed. Not minding of everything  around her. She sat on her bed then pulled her knees to her chest then hug it. She was breathing uncontrollably, her shoulders lifting from time to time. She looked at the cupped noodles and few bread rolls that's on the floor. Her stomach grunted but didn't give a damn. She just lost her appetite and just staring at the floor. Not really looking at anything—into nothingness.

Until her eyes started to get misty. She bit her lip. Harder that the last time, she didn't noticed that it bleeds. Her shoulders started to shake. A silent sob escaped her mount. She instantly covered her mouth with two hands but that didn't do what she was preventing.

Her sobs started to get loud—louder than the previous. Then her cheeks started to get wet. She tried to stop, but her sniffles became uncontrollable, until she gives in to her tears. She let it flow anyway, knowing that her sniffs and sobs cover those voices. Those voices she never wanted to hear.

She curled like a ball on her bed. Like a fetus inside a loving mother, like she was before, except that she wasn't love. She was hated by her mother; hated by the people in this house; and hated in the university. She was never wanted—oh, she is. By men. They always wanted her. Always want to fuck her senseless then left her like a trash. Like a toy for pleasure.

She still remember how men used her for their needs. Some even took advantage of her kindness and even molested her. She's so naive and gullible that she believed those empty promises when they wnted her.

But there's nothing worst that her lastest ex. The thought itself make her puke. Her hand fisted and her jaw clenched while another river of tears flow on her cheeks.

An evil spawn. That's what her ex-boyfriend is. A murderer. She'd done everything he wants. She even kept silent when he's obviously cheating in front of her. She was too consumed by the thought he kept on repeating to her tht there will be no man who will accept her. That she's lucky he stayed with her when in fact,  she's not.

Everytime she'll do something against him, she received a slap; a tugged on her hair or pushed her.  She was punched in the stomach too when he really gets angry. He physically abused her. He even left bruises but no one care. Not her classmates nor her family.

She accepted everything he do to her. But the lasf time... It's too much...

He drugged her then raped her… with his friends… Fucked her, until her baby…

She bit her lips harder and closed her eyes as every nerve in her body tensed at the memories and cried louder. She felt disgusted of them—of herself.

How can they sleep when they did something heinous? Where's their conscience?

Her hands travel to her stomach unknowingly.

My baby… my innocent baby…

Zaddie cried for hours that night. She cried for the things she'd experienced, for her, and for her baby that did not given a chance to have a glimpse of this world. She weeps and weep until she can't no more.

Until she stopped.

Just when she thought that she's done, the feeling of emptiness and the loneliness started eating her alive. It was New Year's Eve in the Philippines yet she's alone on their house. Her family is in France. Probably preparing for the holiday there; and they might watch fireworks near the famous  Eiffel Tower. A bitter smile crossed her lips.

The crying made her tired, but her mind can't stop from wondering. She keeps on asking questions, looking for answers she didn't know if she will ever get to know.

Why does her family didn't care? What if she sued James and his friends, and is not afraid of his senator father? What if her baby survived? What if she was never born in the first place?

She have tons of questions but didn't get answers.  She wanted answers but to whom she'll ask? The dried tears were evident all over here face. She's worn-out. She wanted to rest, but she can't.

Even with weak body,  she tried to stand and kneel in front of her bed side table. She opened the last drawer and get her medicine box. Sleeping pills. She need it. It's the only thing that help her sleep and make her nightmares go away.

She opened the container only to found out that it's empty.

"Fuck!" She threw the container,  rhen messed her hair. She forgot to buy the pills. Damn it. She badly wanted to sleep but can't afford. She's too weak to go out, buy some pills. She closed her eyes and feel the cold breeze of her room. She heard the surroundings growing silent every time and that's what scares her. Silence makes her hear voices. But worst than earlier. Because she knows she'll hear them shaming her in university's vicinity, the names they keep on calling her, and her plead. Plead to just let her go and at least treat her even with the slightest kindness.

She sighed heavily then reached for the book on the table. She needs distraction. Anything. She looked at the cover and found the word 'Fey' together with the author's name. She sat on her bed then open the book in the middle part.

Zaddie read the second paragraph but it's as if she's reading but never understands. She's reading but didn't knew what happen to the story. She tried to focus but after a page of words, her mind started to be flooded by questions again.

What did I do wrong? Why people keep on judging me? Is there anyone who cares?

She closed the book and ly on her back,  looking t the ceiling. Her eyes trted to swell. It frustrates her she cannot sleep. Shee badly wanted to close her eyes and forget everything.  That she even existed in this world.

She wantedto cry more but the dam of her tears seems like it reach its critical level, she can't shed tears anymore. She's been crying all noght and it's already four in the AM.

She tried to close her eyes but the face of those demons haunt her. She instantly opens her eyes not wanting to go back to that nightmare. She twist and turned on her bed, willing herself to sleep but couldn't. Until she gave up and just stay still. Her back against the mattress; her eyes glued to the ceiling.

She felt tired. Really, really tired. Not just because of this day, but everything that happened in her eighteen years of existence. Exhausted of people's judgement, not appreciated, and being treated like she's not human anymore. She's just… Exhausted of everything.

The feeling of emptiness slowly creeped into her heart. Somehow, she realized nothing good will really happen to her. Her hopes that one day, everything will be alright faded faster than the mist on the window by a hot breath on a rainy day.

So, she made a decision.

She crawled down to the floor. She opened the last drawers of the table again and found the box at the end corner. Inside it was the thing she just used the other day. She smiled bitterly as the small finger-length brown bottle caught her attention. 

"Not so fast," she said,  thinking out loud. It will be easy if she will just drink the liquid inside that bottle. She wanted it slow. Because she hoped. That maybe there's someone who cares for her. Maybe there's someone who'll help.  Maybe there's someone who love her. Maybe...

She thought if there is one. At least one. Even a stranger... But there's none....No one.

With shaking hands,  she brought the blade near her skin... To her wrist. She laughed bitterly. She never done this with shaking hands. She laughed genuinely on how ironic it was. She's scared. But she just wanted it to end  She never laughed genuinely like this not until now. When she'll end everything.

Her laugh slowly turned into tears.  She tried to stop it but couldn't.

For the last time, she cut herself many times; deeper, longer. She wanted to scream but she's extremely tired to feel the pain, asked for help and to wait for someone to help her.

So tired. Rest at last.

She leaned back at her bed and didn't give a damn on her clothes being soaked by the red fluid. She's feeling it. Inaantok na siya. She smiled.

Maybe this world is better now that there's one less problem, yeah?

Her eighteen years of existence played like a movie in flashed. Her smile got wider. She forgives them… Everyone who made her wrong…

Then the blade dropped on the floor together with her eyelids.

Finally, she raised her hands to death. She loses life but died with a smile as if telling death that at least, she survived for eighteen years.

And if ever reincarnation is real, she hopes that the next time she born in this world, it wouldn't be this cruel.