Bad for You

BLYTHE

"Go to bed, Blythe. And don't forget to say your prayers," Mrs. Williams's voice broke into my thoughts. I turned around from the window I was perched next to and looked at the woman who was my guardian. I didn't refer to her as "Mother" because I had made that mistake once and she had hit me with a belt.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied, and climbed down from the window seat I loved so much. It was the only thing that I felt was truly mine. I had asked for a window seat like this when I saw one in a movie once. Mrs. Williams had called me selfish and materialistic. I had been beaten for making a request such as that one.

But her husband, Pastor Williams, had surprised me with one on Christmas morning. It was worth the secret punishments I later received from Mrs. Williams for making her husband sin by giving me a gift.

Mrs. Williams continued as I stood by that seat. "Remember to thank God that you're alive and not dead like your mother," she snapped. The tone in her voice was especially nasty tonight. She was angry about something. I hated it when she was angry. That meant she was going to punish me if I wasn't extra good. Even though I was not the cause of her anger.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied again. I had cringed when she spoke of the mother I had never really known, and of her death. I hated hearing the sordid details of how my mother suffered because of her sins. It made me hate God even more. Why he was so mean and full of vengeance, I didn't understand. But then over the years I realized that the kind heart I saw in Pastor Williams was what God must really be like.

"And," Mrs. Williams went on, "thank him for the roof over your head that you do not deserve," she spit.

She often reminded me of how I didn't deserve the goodness extended to me by her and Pastor Williams. I was used to this as well. They were the closest things to parents I had ever known all my thirteen years here on Earth. My mother had died giving birth to me. She was sick with pneumonia, and it was a miracle I had lived. I had been born six weeks early.

"Yes, ma'am," I replied again, walking slowly over to my bed. I wanted her to step out of my room before I got too close to her. She liked to strike me, but I didn't like to be hit.

She stood with her shoulders straight and her nose tilted up so that she had to look down at me. Her red hair was long and pulled back in a tight bun. The black-rimmed glasses she wore made her squinty brown eyes seem even more sinister.

"And, of course, thank the good Lord for your health. Even though you are exceptionally ugly and have no hope for any beauty, you should be thankful that you are alive. That you are healthy. Because you do not deserve it—"

"That's enough, Margaret." Pastor Williams voice interrupted her. It wasn't the first time she had told me how ugly I was. How the sin of my mother had made me unappealing in looks. How no one would ever love me because I was too hard to even look at. I had accepted my life a long time ago. I didn't look in a mirror if I could help it. I hated seeing that face stare back at me. The one that made Mrs. Williams hate me, and Pastor Williams pity me.

"She needs to know."

"No. She doesn't. You're just angry and taking it out on Blythe. Leave her alone. I'm not warning you another time. This has to stop," he whispered to his wife, but I could still hear his deep voice.

Whenever he caught her telling me how ugly I was or reminding me of the sin that would forever haunt my life he, would correct her and send her away. I let the relief come because I knew for the next day or so he would be watching her. She wouldn't come near me. She would pout and stay tucked away in her room.

I didn't thank him because I knew that he would ignore me and turn and walk away like he always did. He didn't like looking at me either. The few times in my life he actually looked at me, I could see him wince. Especially lately. I was getting uglier. I had to be.

One day I would be old enough to leave this place. I wouldn't have to go to church and listen about the loving God these people served. The one who made me so ugly. The one who took my mother away. I wanted to escape all this and hide away in a small town where no one knew me. A place where I could just be alone and write. In my stories I could be beautiful. The prince would love me, and I would know how it felt to belong. I loved my stories. Even if right now they were all in my head.

"Go to bed, Blythe," Pastor Williams said as he turned to follow his wife down the hallway.

"Yes, sir. Goodnight, sir," I replied.

He stopped, and I waited to see if he would say more. If he would turn around and smile at me. Or if he would just look at me. Maybe assure me that my mother's sin wasn't going to control my life forever. But he never did. He just stood there with his back to me for a moment before his shoulders sagged as he walked away.

One day . . . I would be free.