lovers for lovers

walking to school was like a nightmare seeing all these people around me just thinking to myself what would it be like to be normal. space was the key I needed to stay awake but how could I I got no sleep last night it is horrible the school had given me so much to do for just a simple crime and the fact that my mom didn't care was the real nightmare. she had set me up for a meeting at the school that evening and I was horrified by the sound of me having to talk in front of them of what I did and what I did wasn't easy but I did it and she just wants me to walk up there and talk like there is nothing wrong. how could I do such a thing I did such a horrible thing I cannot just let it out like that they will take me to prison or something I told my mother but perhaps she didn't care because she gave me a slight little look and said you will do it you will do it and you will get out of it do you hear me you will get out of it. what else could I do she was my mom paying for my bills at all my clothes on my back and the house I live in so I went to the meeting that evening to find out that I had killed her I had killed her for beating her she she had talk to me like I was nothing and I felt like I needed to beat her so I dragged her to the bathroom and I raped her and she cried and cried but I felt like I was possessed I could not stop is what I told the board when I stood up in front of them.I knew I had a problem so after the board meeting I asked my mom to take me to the doctor they checked me out and said I was just fine and I said no I have something inside of me and they asked me what it was and I said I don't know they sent me home and I asked my mom the next day if she could take me to the hospital this time this time they found something horrible . it was an enlarged tumor on the side of my heart that was causing me heart damage and it was sending my brain signals things that I shouldn't have been getting is what the doctor told me at least. I knew most of this could be true but I was so terrified at that moment that I couldn't take it in to feel that I had a tumor on the side of my heart. that day at school I felt sick I threw up in the stall and was sent home for the day my mom kept me home for the next week for me to get over what had happened at the doctors they started me on pills and things to try to get rid of it but they didn't work. this was horrifying but I've lived years not knowing and now I feel like I am different I feel like I am horrible I feel like I am out everything for being an outcast.