Motherhood (Part 3 - The Ruin)

[Early 1909]

The civil war of Ishval changed Riza as a person. Killing people whom she was supposed to protect on an everyday basis filled her with guilt, and she was unable to find a way to atone for her sins. Many times Riza had the urge to kill herself, but the desire to meet her son kept her alive. Shooting dummies and shooting real people are totally different things. Whenever she killed people from the shadows, she had to make a choice, either it was to save her strong ally or kill her weak enemy. And making the choice was tough yet simple.

After order 3066, the Ishvalan war was not a war anymore, it was more of extermination of Ishvalan people. Due to this, some soldiers felt the guilt of killing innocent people, some of whom were women and children. Some soldiers committed suicide for taking part in this genocide and some soldiers had reason to live even though the burden was overwhelming.

Riza met Roy and Maes Hughes at the battlefield. Roy knew that she had joined the war, but when he saw her right in front of her, his long frozen heart shattered instead of feeling the warmth. The only reason he shut himself out from Riza became the sole reason to meet her again. When he looked into her eyes he saw a killer just like him. When he looked at her hands he saw scratches and cuts because those hands had familiarized themselves with guns and knives instead of flowers.

Soon the Ishvalan civil war ended because when the state alchemists joined the war, it became a massacre. On the last day in Ishval, when the military troops were returning, Riza was burying someone before she could leave to meet her son. The face which should be smiling to meet her son was mourning at the death of some stranger. And then a familiar voice disturbed her mourning, "You coming back? You'll be left behind," Roy informed from behind and then asked after watching the grave, "Who's that? A war buddy?"

"No, it's... It's an Ishvalan child... One left dead with nowhere to call home," Riza lamented while sitting near the grave.

Roy could understand her pain, but he couldn't do anything to wash her sins away because he was as sinful as she was. "Let's go... The war is over now," Roy said with a stressed voice.

"The fighting maybe, but the nightmares of what we did in this place are far from over. They'll stay with me for as long as I live...I believed in you, trusted you with my father's research, and I applied to the military academy because I hoped to help other people. The way things turned out...it's not what I wanted, but there's no escaping the truth. I can never atone for the suffering I've caused...I have a favor to ask, Mustang. Please, burn this off... deface my back," She requested while looking at him with her sad eyes.

Roy looked at her with widened eyes. "How could I ever do something?" He denied.

"At least… I may not ever be able to atone, but at least I can destroy the secrets on my back. There can be no more flame alchemist… Can you do this? If so, please release me. I want you to set me free from my father's burden. Please set me free from my father's alchemy. I am begging you," Riza looked at Roy, while her eyes were clearly showing the agony of her heart.

From the first day they met, neither Riza asked about the reason Roy left her, nor Roy ever explained the reason by himself. Both were far deep into the pool of sins they committed that their own personal problem was insignificant before that, still, there was some spark of love alive in between them which was making them care for each other. And because of that love, Roy didn't want to fulfill Riza's request. He was shivering with discomfort, but after feeling the desperation in Riza's voice, he clenched his fist to gather courage and replied, "Alright…I will leave as little traces as I can-"

A smile of comfort appeared on Riza's face after Roy's answer. "Thank you… thank you so much," she said. She then put some weed flowers which she plucked out from the ground on the grave of that child before leaving.

When they reached to the transportation area, they found out that everyone was gone. "Guess, we have to get to the station on our own," Roy sighed.

Fortunately, they found a horse cart. The cart driver took them to the Ishvalan border and directed them to go straight for 12 miles to the nearest village and they could take a train from there. After walking through a grassy area for 5 miles, it was about to get dark, so they decided to halt at a place which looked like a ruin. There was one more train to East City the next day so, they planned to catch that train.

The ruin where they took shelter was of some old temple which was destroyed a long time ago. It was surrounded by fungi and weeds, and the structure was covered with flora all over it. The place seemed like it was not visited by any human for a long time.

The sun was almost set, so they gathered some woods and took out the food supply they had left during the war. And after they had dinner, both of them sat before the fire. It was a bit awkward for them to be alone after such a long time, and Roy was afraid to start any conversation after what he did to Riza 3 years ago. So, he was looking at the fire, avoiding any eye contact with Riza. He was thinking about a proper way to apologize to her, but he could not say anything. Meanwhile, Riza called him by his first name, "Roy".

Roy instantly raised his head and looked at her. He looked at Riza, but he couldn't see any spark in her eyes. He understood what she was about to say, but he waited for her to say. "Can you please do that here? It seems like this is an isolated place," Riza reminded Roy his promise.

There was silence for a while. One could clearly listen to the slowly moving leaves due to the breeze and the sound of cracking woods in the fire. Roy's heart was pounding like a steam engine which was going to explode at no time, still, he gathered courage and replied, "Alright."

Riza quickly took out the first aid kit she had as if she was desperate to remove her father's research work at all cost. She put the first aid kit beside her and removed her top. Roy was the only person in the whole world before whom she could undress without hesitation because he comforted her when she showed him the tattoo on her back, which she felt like a burden and disgrace.

After opening her top she removed the strap of her bra to completely bare her back, and she held the bra on the front. Her back was facing Roy and he was looking at the tattoo. He wanted to kiss her back like the last time he did. He wanted to hug her and never let her go, but time and the choices they made had changed everything. He took a deep breath and said, "Tell me when you're ready."

"I am ready," Riza then took a piece of cloth and put it in her mouth.

Roy wore his gloves and waited for a moment. It was very difficult for him to hurt her. When he was not taking any action for some time, Riza understood. She removed the piece of cloth from her mouth and said very politely, "It's alright Roy. It was my decision to do this…You are not hurting me. You are releasing me from the long-held burden that my father put on me." She then put back the cloth in her mouth.

After a moment, Roy snapped and a portion of the tattoo was burning. Blisters appeared on the skin and finally the muscle tissue was visible, the stench of human flesh was in the air. On watching that, he quickly grabbed the water and antiseptic solution and washed the burn to cool it. While he was trying to lessen her pain, Riza spoke in agony, "Please… go on."

Roy gulped and took a deep breath. He then snapped once more and another small portion burnt off. He again washed the burns but, this time he felt like he couldn't do it anymore, he had no courage left to keep going on. But, Riza on the other end was still eager to suffer more. "Please… go on," She requested while she was enduring the pain.

"I can't… I have left as little traces as possible… no one can recreate the formula out of this," Roy denied while averting his eyes from watching Riza's burnt skin.

Riza didn't speak for a moment. She understood that Roy was regretting the actions he took, even though she was the one who asked him into it. After a moment she removed the piece of cloth from her mouth and said, "If you say it's enough, then it should be," She turned around while she was sitting, to look at Roy and continued with a forced smile, "Thank you, Roy. Thank you so much."

Roy was still not looking at her. He didn't want to see what he did to her. "I think we should put some bandages on the burns," He proposed.

Then he walked toward the place where the first aid kit was kept and took out the necessary things to attend to her burns. He helped her apply a bandage and dress her up but, the pain from the burn was not gone. There was no painkiller or any proper medicine to apply to her burns. Riza was trying to hide her pain, but Roy could clearly see through it and there was nothing he could do to ease her pain. While he was thinking about the best course of action he should take, Riza said, "I think we should sleep."

Roy quickly stood up without saying anything and unpacked Riza's sleeping bag. He then helped her to get into it, and once it was done, he slept on his sleeping bag with his hands behind the back of his head. He was watching the ceiling, thinking about the conflict between his decisions to join the military and following the orders to kill the innocents. He was thinking about the conflict between his promises to protect his master's daughter and then hurting her both emotionally and physically. On the other side, Riza slept with her back faced to Roy and smiled for the fact that the man was still in love with her.