Dummies Guide to Cultivation (pt 4)

It feels so good to reach the final part to cultivation. So good, in fact, that I feel some congratulations are in order. I have finished writing a chapter to my sub-par guide, and you have decided to read up to this point. after all of this, it's like we are family, so how fitting would it be for me to encourage you the same way my father did? "Yeah yeah, I saw what you did. Good job. Now shut up and bring me a beer." Wise words from a most likely drunk man.

Now off we go to finish the education that you never needed.

So, what could this banger of a guide have possibly not covered yet? Romance!

I know what you are thinking, "but Mister, I don't think I'm capable of making a meaningful love story! my lack of talent makes even breathing a tall order." Don't worry my young padawans. I promise, you can do this.

The main issue is figuring out how to begin. How should you introduce a love interest? What should she be like? What number of girls is considered too much? Well sit back and turn off all of your critical thinking skills, cause I'm about to tell you exactly how to make a love story that somehow manages to be a greater bore than that godforsaken trilogy known as "Fifty Shades of Grey" (if I find out there is a fourth one, I will shoot whoever is responsible for it.)

The first thing you should do is think about your past experiences with gir- wait... what's that? Your experience with women is limited to your interactions with that one cashier that you think may be deeply in love with you, but is most likely just trying to be polite?

Good. Draw on that. Use that small dick energy to create a love interest whose only meaning in life is to be pretty and fall in love with our mc over how manly he looks when he gives the 8 year old beggar a compound fracture in 10 different places for existing in the face of this walking calamity of a male lead.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, let's discuss how to create your harem members. Yes, harem. The attention starved readers need to have their self insert showered with love from every possible direction just to fill the void left in their heart created when their girlfriend of two weeks broke up with them in sixth grade.

If you are having doubts about making a harem over an insignificant reason such as how most women would hate for a dude to have more side bitches than a dog shelter with full occupancy, just shut up and accept the fact that if you start using common sense now, then the mc would probably not be the glorified dipshit that you want him to be.

Their backgrounds are also the same. Be sure to make her the talented daughter of some family in charge of something, whether it be some adult toy producer or spirit stone conglomerate. It doesn't really matter since every single one of the families will think that their little princess is too good for our mc. The only man worthy of her love is the prince from the other family, who happens to have all of the traits of an antagonist we talked about before.

Of course, this prince is a loving and caring boyfriend, so naturally he will attempt to murder any dude she even glances at out of extreme, pointless jealousy.

Thanks to his sense of romance that would make a serial rapist cringe, the boyfriend achieves his only goal for the novel, to make the mc look somewhat better in comparison (an incredibly tough job at this point). After this has been achieved, a swift case of whoop-ass is in store for the creep... in the form of a bigger, scarier creep known as the hero.

I do believe that I've covered all that is needed to make a female lead. Her family background, the asshole boyfriend, and her current harem membership, what else is there to talk about?

... Oh! Her personality, of course! how silly of me to forget about that. I must've forgotten that trivial detail since every girl in your story must be as bland and forgettable as possible.

As low skill writers, we- ahem, you must efficiently allot your time to the important parts of the book. Between ten chapter long fights that make little sense, ten volume long arcs revolving around getting to the next cultivation level, and a novel made up of one unnecessarily large subpar story, making a believable female character with depth is low on the priority list.

Instead, make her a plain and shallow character who only exists to please the mc. If this was done on a respectable platform with respectable novels, this would be regarded as a bad idea. Thankfully, the level of expectation anyone on this site has for you is even lower than what society has for someone with an art major, so you have nothing to worry about. All you have to do to distract those pesky readers from noticing that she is 2D is to describe her breasts as double D's.

The only thing you can call a feature of this badly written sex object is the fact that her knowledge of sex is as limited as yours is. Mention the idea of holding her hand, and she will immediately think that you are a disgusting individual. As a pure and responsible baby maker, she is making sure to save her hands for her insecure husband so she can give him an underwhelming handie on that special night.

With the nonessential parts out of the way, it's time to get to the real issue.

How do we make her fall in love with him?

There are an infinite amount of methods to bring these two love birds together, but a lot of those involve skill and nuance, so they are out. What we have left are two lazy - but easy - ways to do it.

The favorite method for the sexually repressed is to just have the mc sexually assault her.

"Bu-but isn't that wrong? Pretty sure that we as a society are trying to get away from the whole rape kinda deal..."

No you moron. All you gotta do is make it her fault.

How? Well, maybe she is bathing in the river, and the protagonist happens to come by. He didn't mean to see her naked, and neither did he mean to continually stare at her while he hid in a bush and internally commented about her every body part.

Or maybe she was running and just happened to run into him, and in the middle of the confusion our mc gets a handful or two.

Of course, miss prudish Pauline won't be too happy, and may very well try to brutally murder him. But after getting to know him, she will be able to see that they have a lot in common, like the fact that they are way too okay with dishing out painful deaths to the mildly guilty. And just like that, you got yourself a harem member. Easy-peasy-tit-a-squeezy.

The other, less rapey, way of doing it is by placing the heroine in a situation where only the mc can save her. Assassins might be sent to kill her because of her family. Maybe some bandits showed up, and are desperate to plunder her booty. That one guy who is way too desperate could possibly slip her some aphrodisiac and our hero must save her by killing the guy and then having sex with her to cure the poison because if not she will die andthisistotallynotashittywaytojustifyrapeandtomakehimlookgoodintheprocess.

Ok, maybe we drifted back to the assault method somewhere along that past paragraph, but that doesn't make it a less viable method! Understand that love, no matter how forced, is still love. Prove the world of this undeniable truth by only using these formulas to gain harem members until there is enough women to form their own support group.

And just like that, we are finished. Follow my advice, and together we can misinform thousands of clueless people on how the opposite sex works.

Thank you for reading this, my dear friends. Farewell, and stay misogynistic.