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Damned if you do damned if you don't. Dammned all the way down.

"..."

The boy kept silent, but Sophie could more or less translate this particular silence to say: "Are you fucking kidding me?"

For good reason. A dead end. This path was a dead end. They were surrounded by ocean waves with nothing but a booney rock wall in front of them. A carven of sharp shells and darkness.

There was no way they were walking into this.

"Come along now."

Sophie clicked on her head strapped flashlight, disappearing around the bend.

The boy twitches for the barest of moments before resigning himself. He believes in what he sees and the 3 steps after that. If there's anything he knows, it's that there's always a crack. A space in the dark.

What a way to go, murdered in and behind mystery rock. No one finding his body in here, on this island, and well fuck fine. He should have been dead the moment that plane crashed, might as well finish the job.

Like hell.

Leon unsheathed the knife, his body careful in the prowl into the true darkness.

A cavern laid before him. A grotto hidden to the world, the ants wandering outside.

Sure they haven't explored the whole island yet, but it was a limited space. A piece of land floating in the middle of the ocean. There was only so much to go, so much space to share and resources to harvest. To gain true privacy one had to risk the wilds, of being alone.

That's just what Sophie and her party did, take that dive into the unknown.

Or it would be, if Sophie didn't already know. Just know.

It unnerved Leon, though he didn't show it. Adults all had that habit of walking around like they knew everything, were in control of everything when it was obviously evident that they didn't. Quite the opposite of that. When the world was spiraling out of control, out of their grasps, people tended to cling on even tighter to that illusion. It was pathetic.

There was hardly anything to cling to here.

During the day the brave would work, more out of necessity than anything, but at night? The fear of the unknown was mounting.

What would become of them out here? What if rescue didn't come soon enough? What if it didn't come at all?

Leon had lived a, very, charmed life for the last nearly dozen years. He had long learned that life was ultimately out of one's control. Ruled by the strong and those stronger that that. Anything you wanted had to be taken in the moment, whether with money or violence. Here or there didn't matter, but this was the farthest yet closest he's ever been to 'home'.

Another island. Another paradise with cracks deeper than history would remember.

The jungle didn't scare him as much as it should. The chirp of the tropical birds, the rustle and crawl of foul things just trying to survive. The jungle and it's leaves shading infinite darkness, flowers blooming like stars in the night.

A place with no people. No tourists, no jons, not even his mother to come after him. Deep in the heart of the untainted wasteland.

Sophie was leading him elsewhere, into a void. Rocks and holes and go on farther than you can perceive. A tomb if you let it be one.

It is as strange as it is familiar.

Long ago, when he could give a rat's ass about school, the teachers had taught them about the volcanic vents on their island. They say that long ago it was a ritual to wrap and bury their honored dead in those vents. In every island, volcanic veins or no, there were burial caves. To this day researchers kept stumbling onto them, these unexpected tombs. If they were children of the island, there was a good chance their ancestors rested beneath those caves, in the veins.

It sounded better than dying in red light alley. Better than someone's filthy bedroom in an unknown state, in some gas station bathroom in between jobs.

He would rather die in a place like this, somewhere quiet. Untouched.

Something he didn't get in life.

In darkness and green. Far far away. In a place that's not even a place but space, in nothingness. Just disappeared.

But there a flashlight and a crazy lady lighting the way, a spirit whisp leading or deceiving, him to another world.

They traveled quickly but at a calm manageable pace for the child, steady up the wet rubble and stone. They pass the tide pools and up the eroded ramp, hardly called a path. It was a good a hike as any, something tourist would complain shit about but still play to enter.

For once Sophie was quiet around the boy. Leaving him to observe his surroundings, to silently gulp and awe at the glimpses of cave rocks and their formations.

It was the opposite of how she first took her siblings up. No information, no guides, barely a warning before a bend or a slippery patch. Here she was only the sole light source, if and when he chose to follow. It was the opposite of how the further they went into the dark, the calmer Leon became.

It was quiet, no other signs of life but for their footsteps, the barest sound of their breathing.

A place with no people.

No threats, no predators. Your only enemy was the emptiness, the nothing, and your own feeble human body unable to sustain itself.

It was a good place for the dead.

"Come along now, this isn't the end."

Sophie's voice echoed in this space. It resounded once, twice, and faintly again and again. An audio mirror house. When their steps crushed or kicked a rock it did the same, echo.

The dead don't make noise.

"If you still desire something, it's not the end."

"What if I don't?"

Sophie's steps didn't falter with Leon's question, steadily they went up. The scent of the sea and salt turning to nothingness. Cold stone and void.

"Then that's up to you, to find what you want. "

"....and if I don't?"

"No human doesn't. From the womb all the way to the end. No one."

"I don't want anything. What then?"

This is a boy that given all the freedoms in the world, would still choose death. A boy who in 10 years or so will kill himself. Sophie isn't here to stop him. Isn't here to give him false hope he has no need for.

"Then that's up to you, to figure out what you want to do till then."

They walk without another word. The sound of footsteps growing further and further away from one another as the pathway to sunlight shown itself. A path that has since gotten smoother and easier with use.

When Sophie steps out into the main cave, there is no one behind her.

Sophie lets out a breath, turning off the unneeded artificial light, and makes to move on. She has better things to be doing than futilely try to coax out a wary cat. It would take time, especially in a new environment. She led him this far.

Someone else, she would be worried about. Worried that they would get themselves flat out killed. Wasn't hard to do. Trip down a cliff, get marked as a tasty meal to some wandering animal, hell you could just eat the wrong things and done. Dead.

But Leon is a cautious kid. If he wants to play truant, well it's best not to rush it. Not to force him. He would come out eventually. The promise of games still in between them.

Were they were thinking of the same kind of games? Sophie chuckles, leaving the cave and any hidden soul a final warning all on his own.

"I have to let you know. If my brother even sees you, he's giving you a bath. Think of it as his 'no shirt no shoes' policy."

Only the quiet answers back, a whistle of the wind behind her, telling her to move out to move on. So she goes. As if it was only her walking up this whole time.

In a way, it really was.

This entire time. It's only her that survived. Only her the remembers. It is a small price to pay but a price none the less. The price of knowing.

The game is long, the road longer. Knowing means little in the wait. But that's part of the game too, waiting. Preying.

It's easy to forget, in the long eroded cracks of resentment, adrenaline fueling muscles, actions, what is the point of it all. Revenge? Revenge in death?

Not bad. A little too easy but, not bad. It was efficient in their means.

Revenge in living?

Admittedly very satisfying, even in the haze and numb. How an old and weary soul finds life enjoyable once again, in a newfound hobby, a rediscovered passion. Feeling again, feeling anything, was pleasant.

It wasn't the core of it all. It wasn't what made Sophie willing to live through it all again, to give a single fuck all over again. She didn't do all this just for revenge. It was a nice bonus yes, that can't be denied. A power fantasy made just for her. Sometimes, from the dead of sleepless nights to the haze of hot humid day, Sophie questioned her sanity, her perception. Because it really is a world built all for her, too good to be true.

Something like a rebirth? Traveling back in time? That's the kind of stuff you only dream about after death. In another sense, she died a long time ago. That girl from before is already long gone, twisted beyond recognition.

A fragment of her expected the worst, expect that any moment now, she'll wake up. Hooked up to a ventilator, another drug induced haze, maybe a coma. Wake up to find out that everything was just a sick sad dream.

It's fitting then, her heart's wish.

"Sophie! You're back, Soooophie- jie, you're back and I'm so huuuungry~ Matt's being mean and slaving me for fun."

"Am fucking not! Don't go fake tattling on me to Sophie right when she gets back. Now sweep, I want this area clean from rocks and worms and shit. "

"Ugggghhh, but mooooom."

"Sweep and clear. We're not living like cavemen."

"Um....yo...bro, I don't know how to tell you this but uh..." June gestured the distance back to their own cave, one eyebrow exaggeratedly raised.

Maybe it was her unnaturally heightened senses, maybe it was just because the teens were yelling freely, but Sophie heard them all just fine. As if Mattie and June were really just right there, a walkable distance way.

"Holy fuck, kill it."

"Matt. It's like....just a really fuzzy worm. Hey, there little guy."

Fuck it, she'll consider the thought if it's a coma dream or not later. Right now there's a storm to prepare to weather and potentially toxic fuzzy worms to save her family from. If it wasn't, if anything happened, if anyone slipped through her fingers, again, it would be too late for regrets

"Alright alright, I see you are big kiddos that don't need or miss me at all. So let's not waste time and get right to work. Also, June, don't touch that." Sophie clapped, not at all surprised at the scene she was approaching.

Dark rim slightly red eyes and the still heavy steps of sleep clinging to the teens. On Sophie it would be another telltale sign of another lay with insomnia. Where night stretched out longer day, again and again in an unsought but sickeningly familiar relationship. Abusive as it was, it was familiar, almost comforting in the tired delirium.

On these two it just meant they were probably just being teenagers, staying up free from Sophie's supervision and daily schedule. Knowing these two, that included some Mario Kart and the peanut butter and Oreos stash. Now cleaning up and acting well behaved children caught before their mother came home.

"Lies, I miss you very much~" crooned June, well practiced in such behavior and waving her hands " Also, I'm wearing gloves! Look!"

Sophie looked alright, confirming the critter to not be a threat. "Yes, almost as you missed eating snacks and playing video games all night. Anyways if you don't know what it is and I'm not here, just...don't."

"No regrets Soph." June shrugged, obviously caught but still the proud Mario Kart champion in this family.

"Hmmm." brushed off Sophie, flinging the critter a safe distance away.

It could still grow, food for another day, fatten up another prey. The squirming flesh could stave off hunger if not be used as juicy bait, just not today. Sophie was confident in her prep work and hunting skills. There wasn't a need for fuzzy worm stirfry just yet, not that it bothered Sophie. Worms were on the low list of shit she's had in her mouth.

She wonders how long it will take down there.

A lot of things that was just easier to look away from. It starts small. The strange tension, the increased aggression, people disappearing for odd blocks of time, escalating to their devolution. Just how long would it take to start? How long till everyone knows to give up on holding on to something like order and morals?

Something like human memory, even if it was her own, wasn't exactly reliable.

No, rather- because it was her own, it was twisted and flawed. To stay on top, one had to be beyond ruthless. One had to be the very worst kind of predator. It was the only mentality that would carry them all out alive.

"So..." starts Mattie, approaching steadily from where he was clearing debris. "Is this gonna happen often?"

Sophie makes a noncommital hum at the back of her throat, turning to smile at the older teen. Something that Mattie never bought, not in any situation or lifetime. Then and now. But just like always, he plays nice, play along. Complaining the whole damn way.

"The disappearing off by yourself, even at night. Will this happened a lot? Do we get something better than 'setting some traps?'" he frowns, blowing away dust and undoing the dusty work gloves.

"Dude, bro, a girl's gotta have some girl time ya feel?"

June was already prepared to defuse before anything starts. The dread already welling up in her. Mattie was always grumpier when he was sleepy and hungry. They had both slept in past breakfast this morning, the sound of bird songs telling them of a gaming session gone on for too long. Her head whipped back and forth between the two, watching their reactions, so quickly that her hair hit her in the face.

Sophie merely leaned back her head for a nod, a small smile that could be called an arrogant sneer by someone with weak confidence. It came with the newfound confidence since her return. She is what she is, what others may perceive is of little worth. Not unless she was hunting for it.

"Yes and no. It depends, we'll see how it goes. Did I make you worry? Sorry, I was setting up traps, some in advance. Ran into more....troubles, nothing too unexpected. It just takes time." she smiled accommodatingly. A pleased and relaxed manner to her, like how one feels refreshed after a good night. Tired, in a good way.

Mattie snorted back.

"Yeah, fine. As long as you're happy I guess, you know this island shit more than we do. A better warning would be nice next time. " he stretched, rubbing the back of his neck.

Of course he was worried, despite Sophie's sporadic texts and reassurances. He had every right to be. The boy had a bad habit of taking things on by himself when he didn't need to and playing it off.

They all did.

One day he'll figure it out, then June, what exactly Sophie means. What she sees, just a peek of that world.

One day they'll come to believe and accept it. Until then, Sophie has to be a little....discreet about cold blooded murder. About how it was inevitable, so she might as well enjoy it. A more palatable presentation. Just like how frying up worms and other typically unsavory critters made them easier to open up and swallow down.

"Of course Mattie. In time. Some things are unavoidable..." some things you're not ready for yet, "...we'll work up to it but yes, this will happen sometimes. If there's business I feel that I need to tend to. Timing is always a gamble out here, sometimes I need to act fast, or act alone. But we'll work up to it." she maintained, seemingly easy-going.

"Cool cool! You do you Sophie, but like I guess what Mattie is asking for is like, more warnings and stuff. While we're working up?" jumped in June.

"Of course. I'll do my best to make up where I lack, we all will. Isn't that right Matt? "

Mattie remained quiet at that. but nodded in what could be a compromise of acceptance. He of all people knew the repercussions of too much too fast. He didn't do well caught unprepared. Once, twice, that's fine. But day after tense day, unending in this place away from anything to do with home?

It would kill him. Make him sick, sicker and weak till something utterly unworthy kills him. It already did, once.

June was weak, soft. She needed the most work, the most sharpening. But Mattie? Sophie hasn't forgotten who was the first to die. Hasn't forgotten how easy it was for him to get sick, how he stayed sick. How that nasty cough never really went away after the first long season of rain.

"Further cleaning the place up?" Sophie asked, taking a curious look to the core of broken rocky space. Like she didn't already know. She was the one who drew out the layout plan and had them working on it for days.

Make a nice place to live in. Something more than a hole in the rock to pass their days in. Someplace her brother won't get fucking sick in, again.

By itself, it was already infinitely better than what they had this time in the first run. Solid storm weathered walls, a damn roof, and last but not least some fucking privacy. It was prime real estate out here. Leagues better than what anyone would have for quite some time down the mountain. The then desperate attempts at shelter would often leak with rain, if there was anything above their heads and shoulders at all. The plane and camps were cramped, humid with the breaths of fear. Filthy with just too many people and too little anything to support them all.

Such an environment was already uncomfortably disgusting. Yet it could always get worse. That's the rule with humanity, anything and everything could always be worse. No such thing as rock bottom when you can dig.

Dig they will.

People will huddle and they will starve. They'll get sick, sicker and spiral down that bottomless hole. Maybe if they're lucky, they'll die sooner than later. They'll die while they still have some dignity. The rot, the smell, the literal shit, wasn't something that could so easily be washed away. Few were brave enough, bothered to care enough, to relocate the newly dead, let along bury them. Not in the rain, where living and not could so easily be washed up. Open for contamination.

Then they'll fuck.

As if that solves anything. Like the pleasure could make it all better, make them forget their fear, even just for a moment. The three to seven minute average time it takes for a man to rut it out followed by hours of break downs and sobs. Very pleasant time yes, especially for the awkward neighbors, bearing through their senses and awkwardly telling their children not to look, not to ask, and certainly not to repeat.

Somewhere, Sophie remembered reading about that.

Again and again, the desperate will fuck and die. From the taken Jews in Nazi Germany, huddled like livestock in shipments to a slaughter beyond their imaginations. In prison, locked up and praying on scraps, on a made-up balance of power. To horror shows of concentration camps after concentration camps across the globe, across time. Hell, even Olympic athletes had a problem with it in 'the village'. It's practically instinct. Go out with a bang, leave some seeds, however, the researchers wanted to justify it.

We're all just animals at the core of it. Sad scared animals.

Gotta eat, gotta sleep, gotta shit and gotta fuck. Not exactly Maslow's hierarchy of needs, but it's what happened. The true basics. It's all the people remember, at least the ones fit enough to live. To rule.

Well fuck that.

Prime reason Sophie got them the hell out, physically. Why others would slowly break out, break away. That is, if they could. Cooperation with others was necessary to survive but not that. Nowhere was there a contract that said they had to stick around to deal with that. Her head was depressing enough, no need to be dragged down by that environment.

The standard of luxury was redefined to what you could carve out for yourself. Whether by your own hands or what you could procure, what you could steal. Here, Sophie was planning on carving out a rather fine hamster hole. A human-sized burrow, stocked and piled up like apocalyptical ants for winter.

The cat could come too, if it ever came the hell out. Sophie gives him a week to be caught and bathed, at most a month before the rains flood him out. No one could last the rainy season alone, no one but her. Just not this early. This early, Sophie knew they needed all the working hands they could get. For her? She just needed ones she could trust.

"Trying to." sighed Mattie, wiping off sweat and putting the work gloves back on.

"Step one of all guides Mattie, procure shelter. This, now this isn't quite there just yet."

"You're telling me. I'm not living in a fucking dump. Now help out now that you're back, this shit is gross and I want to get it over with sooner."

When he surveyed the rock, the burrow and the untamed land, he didn't see what Sophie saw or what June could so hopefully believe. He didn't see the blueprint, the plan, but if he squinted and put the time into it, he could see less of a mess. Still, right now, all he saw was something daunting to tame.

But it will be done. Not just because June calls Mattie a diva, or Mattie shouts back that she's a spoiled lazy brat. But because Sophie says it will, so of course, it will happen.

They just had a lot of work to make it happen. A lot of digging, and unlike the others, a lot of building then filling.

Maybe a month. A lot of shit to get done, as much as possible in under a month. That much was clear. So whatever issues they had, whatever fears or complaints they had were put away for a looming rainy day. There would be time then.

Now it was time to just work on that bottom row on the hierarchy of need.

"Um...guys? Guys?! I think I found something?" June called from her spot, dark in shade and shelter, voice increasingly unnerved.

When her siblings failed to come to her side fast enough to her taste, she babbled, rambled on.

"Sophie? Sophie is this supposed to be here?!" she backed up unconsciously.

"Holy shit." looked on Mattie, the quickest to the scene for June to half step behind.

Sensing no danger, especially from her brother's reaction, Sophie didn't rush. Whatever they June found wasn't a threat at least, no more than some fuzzy worms. It couldn't be anything live, not that deep an undisturbed in the cave.

"Sophie? Did...you know about, uh this too?" asked June, repeating. The question more in her wide eyes than anything she was saying.

Sophie brushed past both of them.

Bones. In the dark peeks of a broken pile of mummified bones, large and small. The skin and tendons of what once was, melded down to crude petrified remains.

That wasn't the most shocking thing, the bones didn't get June's panic. It was the black claw, big enough to curl around a girl's waist and carry her off, that laid crumpled with the broken bones. Just as mummified, no it was even better preserved. Talons pointed sharp, flesh hardened and tendon intact.

"Sophie?" questioned Mattie, joining his sister in looking at Sophie like she actually held the answer for this one. Something, anything?

"Well fuck" observed Sophie, face blank but not uninterested at the discovery.

"What the hell is it?" grimaced June, eyes still not leaving the hole.

Sophie took a stab, crushing the rock and debris that buried it. Digging the bone pit wider, deeper. Today was just full of pleasant and not so pleasant surprises, from her Leon to whatever was this.

"Guess we'll just have to find out. Now dig."

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I don't know if I'm even still alive.

It's like a couple of hundred years since the last update? IDK time doesn't exist. Sorry sorry.

I can't even bring the hamster to work some days, it's too hectic out there. Okay, seriously my job is DEPRESSING AF during this Covid-19 shelter. I don't want to be insensitive or go over some line.

It's....very very tempting to. That and my own tiredness is what has been stalling the updates so much.

In all honesty though, this will make great ranting material in QCI, but we are currently living in it. If you let the hamster out right now, idk how much of it is fantasy and how much is reality. It's very close to just, stop giving a fuck, and go on that too real quarantine arc.

Which would honestly make for a more (petty) and possibly violent story?

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So from the author, who unfortunately works in healthcare, who writes about Sophie and this shit: Thanks for holding on and staying good. Stay clean and strong everything.

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