Letters to Pupilam (2)

Even now Lyn still had them, regrets. Regrets burned inside her mind, sometimes rendering her speechless and keeping her awake at night. Lyn would always question herself, what was right? And what was wrong? Why is it that she could not find the answer even now? Several years have passed, and yet she remains the same.

'That was the right thing to do.'

Those words of Mother's were hollow; they had no meaning. It was just a means to justify her crimes, an excuse for all the pain and suffering her daughter caused people — an excuse to dismiss her wrongdoings.

'How unpleasant.'

Even now, Lyn looked at the sight before her. The man she sank her sword into fell to the ground.

Lyn had always wanted to change fate; she tried to change the consequences of her actions. The direction her actions take, whether the outcome is good or bad, she wanted to control it with her own hands. Yet, even the power to do something like that was beyond her.

The fact that she is cursed is something she could never change. Even if she found a means to end her situation, even without a visible mark defining her curse, she will still be cursed in a different form. A cursed being that didn't deserve happiness didn't deserve to live. Even the small bits of happiness eventually leave her, she would desperately try to hold on to them --only to have it slip through her fingers. Lyn couldn't even grasp and hold on to that small bit of happiness.

Lyn never wanted to harm another person, harming them aside she didn't want to end lives. She never once thought about it. But this was decided from the moment of her birth, no maybe even before then. This cursed mark probably acted as a trigger to what was already there.

'I'm sorry.' That simple sentence might be enough to atone for an average person's sins. But for a person like herself, these words sound so very shallow and fake. Lyn knew that apologizing with such words would be futile, that's why she never used them. The acts she committed, those crimes will forever weigh her down.

She is exactly like that person. That person and herself are connected, even if she hated to admit it.

No matter what ties she creates with other people, however. The man named Kazuya always be special to her, an irreplaceable part of her life; no one would come close to her. To her, he was her hope. Since the moment he entered her life, things changed for her and yet Lyn has always felt uneasy. Kazuya may have stained his hands too, but he did not kill for selfish reasons.

'Once a killer, always a killer.' Nothing would change, Lyn knew she would always be cursed. No matter what happens. Even if Kazuya retrieves the jade, she would still end up in this situation. A dangerous blade in her hands and a fate beyond her control. The blood of her companions in her surroundings, a twisted mind.

Kazuya

Kazuya.

If Lyn closes her eyes, perhaps she can forget it happened. Forget that once again she stained her hands in this red. This body that he held so lovingly not too long ago is once again stained with red.

....

It was dawn when she came back, but thankfully Kazuya didn't notice anything. Or rather it seemed like he went out somewhere. Lyn had only been writing for a few minutes when she felt his presence.

"Are you writing another one?" a familiar voice said in her ear, as a pair of strong arms wrapped around her. A content sigh escaped her lips as Lyn nodded, "Not making progress?"

Lyn looked at the drafts scattered on the floor, and a deep sigh escaped her lips. Kazuya must have understood, since he chuckled, "Don't mind it, you'll get there."

"Maybe I'm just bad at writing letters," Lyn muttered. For some reason, the words weren't coming out as naturally as she wanted. Then again, maybe it's because this is for Pupillam.

Lyn wondered since when? Since when did Pupillam become such an important person in her life? During her days as a Princess, she kept the girl at arm's length; she didn't want to give the girl any hope or reason to admire her. Lyn thought that her careless actions and her unstable emotions would make Pupillam dislike her. But, that's not what happened. Instead, it gave Pupillam even more of a reason to like her. The girl would often comment that she was not emotionally unstable, that she's just like the average girl.

Like the average girl, huh? And yet Pupillam treated her with so much admiration and respect. There was even an unusual time when the girl called her master. Whenever Lyn thought about it, it was painful for her. That girl was indeed a unique existence by her side. While Lyn could never call her a friend back then, she was very important.

The word friend with her had always been a sensitive case. So many people betrayed her in the past.

So, so many people got close to her and tried to use her. At first, this was the reason why Lyn avoided calling Pupillam her friend and went along with the master and subordinate relationship. While she doesn't deserve anybody's respect at all, it was better than calling Pupillam her friend.

Kazuya smiled, "You can get better; your handwriting is beautiful."

"Only because you taught me, it was awful before."

"Indeed."

Lyn deeply sighed, "I want to relax," she murmured, and Kazuya immediately understood. He picked her up and placed her down on the couch as she sat on his lap. "Kazuya, have you been resting?"

He looks pale.

"I have."

"Really?" she scanned him up and down. "I don't believe you."

"Lyn, I missed you."

"It's pointless talking about it now," Lyn murmured.

"Yeah, I know. With the you right now you can only focus on Pupillam."

"It's not like I don't understand, I want to tell you how much I miss you. I want to tell you how agonizing the last few months have been. However," Lyn recalled the expression on her advisors face and sighed, "I really want to do something for her."

"Hmmm, why don't we go see her?"

Lyn's eyes widened, and she sighed, "Do you really think it's that easy?"

"Sure, I do."

'Sure...' Lyn deeply sighed, why is her husband like this? Then again she supposes that's the one thing that hasn't changed. His carefree and relaxed attitude. Lyn stared at Kazuya up and down, "You know, people said you were cheating on me."

Kazuya sweat fell, "Hey, hey, do you really believe that?"

"Of course not," Kazuya lets out a relieved sigh and Lyn continued, "If you were going to cheat on me, you would have done so a very long time ago."

"My lovely wife. You're scary."

Lyn smiled, " I can be scarier, dear."