I am a Scum

After she had took her many medications, the symptoms of her disease seemed to have been quelled as color gradually was restored to her face. Although her body was still weak, the smile returned to her face once again and she was able to move her body about in the usual manner. She was able to sit up on her bed, and I stayed by her side by sitting on a chair that I had pulled over to the side of the bed.

"Are you alright?" I asked, feeling that agonizing melancholy once again.

"Yeah," she said in her usual lively voice. "I just didn't take my medications on time."

I quietly stared at her face as she spoke. For some reason, I felt as if she was lying. After seeing her without any medications, I felt as if the Luna that sat before me was merely an illusion. It's a lie. It's a gentle and sweet lie that I would rather believe to be the truth than any other grim reality. However, a lie will always remain a lie. Someone who will eventually die will never miraculously recover. That only happens in fairy tales...

She was still undressed, with the only fabric concealing her nude body from my eyes being that maroon towel she had wrapped around her body. Because of this, she sat in a position so that she concealed as much of her thighs as possible while facing me.

"I'm feeling better now," she said in her usual smiling manner. Her words did indeed seemed to have a greater sense of vitality and vigor in them, but... it was still insufficient to erase that devastating memory of her that had already carved itself into my bones. "So cheer up. Stop having that mourning look on your face. I'm not dead yet."

I didn't laugh or even allow the corner of my lips to be lifted by this unfunny joke that she made. I knew that she was trying her best to cheer me up, but... I don't think I can with how things are at the moment.

Luna seemed to have noticed this, as her smile slowly disappeared as well, losing the energy and emotion that supported it. What replaced it was a faint smile that was merely held up by a sense of sadness as she probably noticed that the bubble has burst.

"I've been like this for quite some time now," she said in a softer and more soothing voice than before. She was also no longer forcing herself to be energetic. "Even before I met you, I've been like this. I can only be the Luna that everyone knows after taking my medications."

"..." I remained silent as I sat there in melancholy and listened.

"So there's really no aggravations in my condition," she whispered. "My life span is still the same length."

She then glanced over at me, softly gazing into my eyes. In the sparkling amber eyes of her's, I could sense a great gentleness, one that tormented me. It was the knowledge that those shining amber eyes of her's, those same eyes that drew me out of my abyss and into the light, will eventually lose its light and slowly fade away from this world that pained me. She will die in the near future; the exact time being an unknown. However, the limit is certain. The most she could live for is until next summer, which is graduation... And yet... I will have to continue on without her.

"Alevian," she said. Her voice once again regained its energy as she smiled while looking at me. "Can you turn around?"

"Huh?"

"I need to put on some clothes," she said. "Or would you rather see me like this?"

She looked down at her naked body that was covered with the towel that she had wrapped around her. My eyes followed her gaze but I quickly looked away. On her face, I noticed a playful smile as she was amused by my reaction.

"F-fine," I stuttered as I got up from my chair and went to the corner of the room. What I saw before me was the beige color of the wall, but I closed my eyes for that extra security.

"Don't look," she said to me.

I then heard the sound of her bath towel falling. Then, there was the sound of fabric rubbing against each other as she dug through her luggage for clothing to change into.

As she did so, I was once again tormented by my silent melancholy. Like a plague, it pained me, causing great anguish and grief from within me. I could not bring myself to be happy knowing that the girl that was getting dressed behind me will leave this world soon...

Why does this world have to be so cruel? I sighed. She's still so young...

Then, the world around me suddenly darkened as the lights went off in the room.

"You can turn around now," I heard her voice softly whisper.

With her consent, I opened my eyes and slowly turned to face her. However, what I saw... it was rather shocking. She had abandoned her bath towel, allowing it to lay limp on the carpeted floor.The only piece of clothing that she had on was the lingerie that I had purchased for her... And because of that, I could see the smooth white skin of her stomach as well as her thighs. She appeared to be quite nervous or embarrassed wearing that lingerie before me since her face was red and she shifted about on her feet. However, she remained brave and continued to stand before me.

"L-Luna..." I stuttered as I remained shocked by the unexpected reveal.

"The difference between a bikini and lingerie," she whispered timidly, "is that a bikini could be seen by others while lingerie could only be seen by someone special..."

Is she...

"Alevian," she whispered as she approached me. She gently placed her left hand on my shoulder and her right hand on my chest in the area directly over my rapidly beating heart.

"I..." she whispered as she breathed deeply.

"Luna..." I whispered back.

"There's always been something that I wanted to do before I die," she whispered gently into my ear. I could even feel with my skin the hot air that she breathed out. "Something that should only be done with someone special..."

"I-I..."

"I want to try it with you," she whispered.

Her soft, seductive voice drove me insane as it forced my heart to beat at a pace that I had never experienced before. It was almost as if my heart will burst past the lungs, shattering my rib cage, and burst out of my chest entirely. However, it didn't. But still, I felt as if I was being driven insane by her seductive and alluring words. I... I'm slowly losing control of my body.

"No!" I said, pushing her away from me with my hands on her shoulders.

"..." She stared at me in shock as a few tears began forming in her widened eyes.

"I... I can't..." I muttered to her. "I can't take advantage of you like this."

What am I saying? I thought as I started rambling about why I couldn't do it with her. It must've taken a ton of courage for her to say that to me... And I just... just rejected her without any hesitations for myself. That must've pained her greatly...

I mocked myself as I continued to ramble on as to why I couldn't. Slowly but surely, I remembered once again the forgotten disdain I had held for myself in the past. I despised myself. I am a scum. I don't deserve her. I am the epitome of a scum, someone that should kill themselves for the better of society. Someone like me does not deserve her sacrifice, nor do I deserve a happy ending.

"So... I'm sorry," I bowed my head to her, knowing that it could not compensate for the damage that I had dealt to her. In fact, I was also dissatisfied with my apology, but... it's the best that I could do at the moment. This somber feeling of helplessness... let it be my punishment, but I know this pain will never be enough to wash me of my guilt.

"I-it's fine," she whispered, forcing herself to smile and wipe away her tears and pretend as if nothing had happened. "Let's pretend that didn't happen..."

Please stop... Don't make me feel any worse about myself...

I looked up and gazed into her weeping eyes. Even though she had tried to wipe away the tears, they still flowed and climbed down her cheeks. And yet... I couldn't do anything to comfort her. I'm afraid... I'm really, really afraid about further involvement between her and I. I'm afraid that the closer we become, the more difficult it will be to say goodbye in the end. But... I'm still unwilling to cut contact with her. I don't want to leave her alone, and... I don't want to be alone myself.

"W-why am I crying?" she bitterly chuckled as she continued to wipe away at the tears on her face...

Seeing her like this... it made my heart ache. It's extremely agonizing, even worse than the worse physical pain that could torture anyone in this world, for me stand here and watch her weep because of me. It's painful, yes... very painful. I hoped that it was actually me that was about to die and her to be the one that will be living, but... that will never happen. She will die soon, and I... and I still harmed her.

I let out a trembling sigh as I felt my knees slowly giving way.

Looks like I won't be able to complete this mission...

Slowly, I turned around, hoping to escape, just run away from this crime scene. I wanted to run away, run to where no one knows where I am. Escape to the other side of the world where the pain and suffering will be far, far away from me. Yet... if I really were to do that... how horrible of a person am I? I'm already a scum, maybe something that's beneath a scum... What's the lowest I can fall to? I... can I still remain human?

I was hesitant, unable to move my feet forward despite the fact that I was facing the door. I... I can't. Even though I want to distance myself from her so that it'll be easier to say goodbye in the end, I don't want to leave her... This conflicting idea, this great paradox, troubled me. It's as if my brain is unable to process it all, leaving me with a head-splitting headache as well as a heartache that was similar to a needle piercing every single part of me, making me into a human porcupine before I am diced up...

I suddenly felt something pulling against my sleeve, and looking down and over my shoulder, I saw that it was Luna...

"Don't leave me," she whispered with a trembling voice as she wept. "Don't leave me here alone..."

Then, she gripped onto my sleeve even tighter with both hands, as if pleading me to stay...