From the start, but not to the end.

The only answer to Yao Jun's question was silence. There was something about the way his voice had trailed off mid-sentence before it picked up again, something about his bloodshot eyes that put an immense amount of pressure on the living beings present. The black threads coming from the humans in front of him continued to grow darker by the second, they looked as if they were trying to become so black that they could swallow the sun.

Fear. Bottomless fear that drowned reason and sanity. The belief that the being at the other end of this thread would be able to kill them whenever it wanted, that was what the dark colour represented. Yao Jun's gaze slid across the terrified men and landed on the two other beings on this planet, Xuhuan and Zhuyin, one desperately protecting a dark crystal while the other looked to be wounded after protecting the other. They looked happy when they saw Yao Jun, but at the same time there was a glimmer of sorrow in their eyes, a touch of shame that they couldn't hide. His heart pounded in his chest but he didn't allow for it to show on his face, his cold expression landing on the men again.

"Explain it. Quickly."

He was having a hard time talking, the sentences wouldn't form properly in his mind. He had a hunch, a terrible guess that stuffed his throat and choked him. He didn't want to be right, he wanted to be wrong, to be laughed at for how stupid his guess was. But he couldn't rule out his guess, his theory. So he found it hard to stay calm, slowly walking forward as one of the men stammered.

"We... No eat...Food..."

The man also failed to properly form any sentences, but it was for a vastly different reason from Yao Jun. He was terrified. As he stood in front of Yao Jun he felt like a rabbit facing a tiger. His chest was stuffy and his throat refused to move, air barely managed to make its way down his throat. His mind was crumbling with each step Yao Jun was taking. He felt as if he had stepped past the edge of a cliff and was plummeting towards the ground, each step closer hastened his descent.

"Staruvineg...Hasd tor...Eati..."

His voice trailed off more and more as Yao Jun got closer, his words barely even recognizable. And then his vision turned dark and his consciousness blew away. Yao Jun had stepped past him and the man's body ended up squashed against the ground as nothing more than a bloody puddle, even his bones turned to nothing more than dust. He had picked a terrible time to fall apart in front of Yao Jun, and the things his words hinted at didn't help his fate either.

"Zhuyin, are you alright? I'm sorry for being so late."

He crouched down in front of the four-winged lizard that was dripping blood and picked her up, only able to maintain some rationale because she was one of his companions. In the past, he could forget about picking her up like this, but she, like the rest of his reborn companions, had shrunk heavily after becoming an Origin beast of his new universe.

"Ah... Much better now, My Lord."

Her voice was a bit weak but still contained a bright tone, she had always been the liveliest of his companions, he was happy to see that she still maintained a mood like that. He was very careful as he picked her up, making sure not to move her broken hind legs. He carefully covered the wounds on her back, they were located right beneath her wings so if they were left to fester then they could end up ruining them. He touched upon the wounds with his law of Samsara, mentally picturing what he wanted to achieve.

Every living being got wounded, it was just part of life. But all wounds would eventually close up and heal, only like that would they be able to become new wounds in the future. Naturally, he stopped before things could reach the second stage, the last thing he wanted right now was to wound Zhuyin further. And as he took care of her, he turned his gaze towards Xuhuan, who had a somewhat hard time facing him.

"Xuhuan... Please... Tell me what happened."

He did everything he could to keep his voice as smooth and calm as possible, barely managing it thanks to the fact that he was facing his dear companions. But Zhuyin could feel his body tremble, he was like a leaf caught in the wind. Xuhuan could also see it, the quivering of his outstretched hand, the trembling of his pupils. She knew she had to be honest, she knew she had to give up. But she really didn't want to, she didn't want to shatter that small glimmer of hope hidden within his pupils. Oh, how beautiful the world would be if we could all do what we wanted.

"I'm sorry, My Lord. I... I couldn't maintain it. I have failed you."

Her voice was downcast, bitter even. She grit her teeth, a strange sight since she was a fox, pushing forward the dark crystal she had been guarding and filling with what little energy she had. Now that it was right in front of him, he was completely certain that this was Little Thunder's Demon Crystal. It was the vessel that was supposed to hold his soul, it was the most integral part needed to bring him back to life in the future. Yao Jun froze up as the crystal was presented to him, as the horrible guess slowly crept closer to reality.

"No. No. Nononono. Please... Not like this... Never this..."

His lips felt cold. Each word that passed them felt like ice, which was a strange sensation since the base of his stomach felt like it was on fire. His throat and mouth were icy, but he was burning up from the inside. His already outstretched arm reached for the crystal, his fingers felt devoid of strength so he was barely able to hold it.

He looked at it with shaking eyes, his consciousness slowly seeping into it. When he did this in the past he would reach the little glimmer of lifeforce and will that persisted deep within it, it was what gave him hope that he could meet with Little Thunder again. But now there was nothing. The crystal still contained energy, but that was it. Soulless energy, lifeless energy that just meandered about, waiting to be absorbed. No life, no soul. No hope.

"It was still normal even after the gate crumbled, but we didn't know what might happen so we kept a close eye on it. Things seemed to remain normal... until about a month ago. Some of the energy in the crystal suddenly started to fade away, it was being drawn out from the crystal and even out of the fragment we resided in. It didn't last for too long, but with how weak the crystal already was... the damage was severe. By the time it was over, only a tiny bit of light remained in the crystal, but all signs of life had already vanished."

Xuhuan spoke slowly but rather fluently. She was far more affluent with talking than Yama and Ba-Shei had been, was it perhaps because she once held a God Gate, or was it just because she was a true-blue Divine Beast to begin with? Yao Jun listened intently, not daring to miss a single word she said, even as his body trembled. About a month ago? What happened about a month ago?

"A handful of minutes ago something started to drain the energy again, the signs of life were already gone, but now the final bit of light also disappeared. We were also unlucky. The piece of land we got when the gate fragmented was one that didn't house any life, there was nothing to eat. It was no problem for us, but for the humans over there... over time it only got worse. I had to focus on protecting and supporting the crystal so Zhuyin had to be the one to do all the defending. Those wounds... She suffered them because she had to protect me."

As she continued talking, Yao Jun's heart fully dropped, a horrible chill washing over him. The change in his emotions was also present in his universe, the light dimming as a cold darkness crept over everything.

"No... No..."

Why, why did it have to be that specific time frame? Why did that thought have to strike him, that realization? About a month ago, what had happened about a month ago? Simple, Yao Jun had fought Firesage Wyrmheart, he had fully drawn upon the power of faith for the first time. And then a handful of minutes ago, what was he doing then? He was fighting the Sebettu Godking, and he had once again drawn upon the power of faith to do so.

What was faith? It was belief, it was when your very soul believed and trusted someone, when it was practically impossible for you to believe that this person could ever be wrong, when you worshipped them like a god. It came from the soul, from the mind, it was closely tied to them. And Yao Jun had drawn on that belief, he had tapped into the souls of his companions and the faith they had in him, he used their faith to validate their faith in him.

But what if... just what if it wasn't free? The burst of energy he got when he drew on the faith, where did it come from? He had never thought about it before since faith was such an ethereal thing, but just what provided the energy? Faith came from the soul, it lived in the soul, so what if that was where it drew the energy from?

Normally, it probably wouldn't be a problem. He would only draw a little from each golden thread, just a little energy to support himself, barely enough to be noticed. But what if you tried to draw energy from a soul that was already barely holding on, trapped within a small crystal as it slowly flickered towards its final end? At that point, wouldn't it become all the more dangerous to draw upon the energy, wouldn't it just hasten the process?

Yao Jun's lungs, the lungs he had formed, refused to move. The heart he had created refused to beat, his blood refused to flow. He understood. Painfully, sorrowfully, perhaps even instinctively, he understood.

"It was... Me. It was me all along..."

Pain. When had he last felt pain like this? When the Sebettu Godking stomped his spine and shattered it, when she crushed his skull, when she shattered his chest. None of it had hurt like this, none of it had stabbed into him like this. It was him. He was the monster. He was the one who snuffed out his little hope, he was the one who killed his friend.

Twice. That was twice now that he had murdered those he held dear. First it had been Yun Yantian, who he had dragged to his death because of his own arrogance. And now it was Little Thunder, who he had dragged to death because of his own ignorance. He had fought many enemies, killed many people. But in the end, it was always him, he was the only one who ever killed those dear to him. His enemies didn't even need to do anything, he alone was enough to wipe away those around him.

His chest hurt, his throat burned. His thoughts didn't flow properly, his hand unconsciously clenching the crystal close to his chest. He heard a squelching sound behind him, but it barely registered in his mind. The people that had been frozen in fear behind him were all gone, replaced by a bloody puddle and a mess of minced meat, he didn't even realize that he had killed them. The only thing that registered in his mind was the pain, the only thing he realized was that he should be in so much more pain.

"I... I'll be right back."

He put down Zhuyin, gently, oh so gently. He staggered slightly as he stood up, his gaze somewhat blank and empty as he clutched the dark crystal. The body there vanished from his universe, his eyes in the outside world opening, the crystal appearing in his palm.

"Oh you're ba...Are you okay?"

Zhuan Yi's voice reached him as he opened his eyes, but her tone changed as she spoke, he was evidently not looking too well right now. But he didn't care, it was good that he didn't look well, he didn't deserve that right now.

"Hit me."

He spoke quietly and simply, his gaze shifting towards Zhuan Yi. She was a Sovereign God, a Godking of great strength. She would be able to hurt him, she would be able to inflict at least half of the pain he deserved. But naturally, she didn't understand what he was talking about.

"What?"

She looked confused, but her eyes narrowed slightly as she observed Yao Jun. He looked miserable right now. His eyes were bloodshot, there wasn't a part of his body that wasn't trembling, and he was so pale that he practically turned white. But he didn't even seem to notice that as he kept urging her on, practically commanding her.

"Hit me. Attack me like you're planning to kill me. Strike me down with the intent to kill. Five times, no less."

Five times, it wasn't a random number he had chosen. It had to be five times, she had to kill him at least five times. Zhuan Yi's pupils shrank slightly when she heard just how violently he wanted her to hit him, but it was someone else who spoke up for her.

"Brother Jun are you..."

Yang Long and Lin Ren were still present on the planet, the only lives spared during the massive fight. The one who spoke up with some concern was Yang Long, even he could tell that Yao Jun wasn't doing too good right now. But Yao Jun cut him off before he could even finish his sentence, his bloodshot eyes sending shivers down their spines.

"Quiet. I'm barely able to stay calm and sane right now, but if you keep talking to me then I might crumble. So please, be quiet and move away, I don't want to kill anyone that Yantian considered a friend."

He was sensitive right now, extremely sensitive. He still hadn't forgotten how Yang Long and the others of Titan's Gate had impersonated Guo Luo and Yun Yantian. He had already dealt with that issue, but just looking at them reminded him of it, and right now that was not a good idea.

"What happened?"

Zhuan Yi waved her hand at the two people, pushing them away with a gust of energy, frowning slightly as she looked at Yao Jun. The change was drastic, he had gone from terrifying and majestic to miserable without any discernable reason, it was just too strange. But Yao Jun still didn't answer her question, urging her on for the third time.

"Hit me, Zhuan Yi. And don't you dare show mercy, don't you dare hesitate. If you do, this is where we part ways, may we never meet again."

Her brows furrowed further when he gave her the ultimatum. Separating here was... unfavourable. She still wanted to see more of what he could do, how far he could go, especially after he showed such extreme promise just moments ago. She mulled it over for a second and then spat out a breath, clicking her tongue.

"...Alright. But I'll have an explanation later."

Five times, with the intent to kill no less. It was dangerous, but he didn't seem like he'd fall from that, she had seen some of the things he was able to survive earlier after all. Then again, perhaps that was to be expected from a person who had become a universe.

She pulled back her arm and clenched her fist, her energy gathering within her arm. And then it shot forward like an arrow, instantly stretching out to cross the distance between them. Her hand pierced into his chest and she latched onto his ribs, lifting him up into the air and smashing him down into the earth head-first. She heard a crunching sound as his neck was pulverized, her arm retracting. By all rights, this was an attack that should kill him. But even so, his voice came from the dirt and he rose, his wounds slowly closing themselves.

"The first time he saved me, I was 15. I journeyed into the Cloud Wilderness with others and we ended up tracking down a Mist Eagle. Had he not been there then I would have died there, and I never would have gotten Little Gray as a companion."

Back then, Yao Jun was still terribly weak and only had Little Thunder at his side. Yao Min and the others in the expedition had just died far too quickly since they fell for the Mist Eagle's tricks, Yao Jun would have joined them just as fast if he was alone.

His gaze lingered on Zhuan Yi, telling her what to do. She relented and pulled back her fist again, gathering her energy and launching it forward. Her fist smashed into his face this time, shattering his skull and causing his entire face to cave in. But even so, he spoke, his voice coming from a slowly repairing mouth.

"The second time, I was still 15, barely any time had passed since the first. I tried to enter a city and triggered their alarms, they thought I was someone from the Demon Race. Had he not momentarily held back two of the guards then I would have been caught before I managed to flee with Yantian."

He and Yun Yantian barely knew each other at that time. Yun Yantian could just as easily have left him there. It would have been extremely hard for Yao Jun to escape with Little Gray and Little Thunder, especially with how quickly the guards reacted and attacked them, there was a good chance that they would have been forced to stay behind. But Little Thunder held back two guards for a moment before Yao Jun called him back, and then Yun Yantian stepped in and they fled.

He locked eyes with Zhuan Yi again, her arm pulling back once more as she gathered her energy. Her fist once again found its way into Yao Jun's body, piercing into his abdomen and expanding violently, tearing out a large hole in his stomach and spilling the organs he had created to have a human form.

"The third time was when I acquired my friend, Ba-Shei. He was stronger than me, he was sneakier than me, and he was unpredictable. Had he not been there to provide support while also drawing its attention then I probably would have perished in that forest."

One attack from Ba-Shei had been enough to make Yao Jun feel like his arms were about to fall off, only by tricking him into the God Gate and relying on his companions and the abilities of the God Gate were they able to subdue him. And Little Thunder had been the sturdiest at the time so he was indispensable in the fight.

Zhuan Yi's arm pulled back again and then rose into the air, morphing into a large hammer that crashed down onto Yao Jun. He was crushed against the earth, bones snapping and flesh tearing as his body was pushed into the dry earth.

Ah, it hurt. It felt like he was dying, there wasn't a single part of his body that wasn't screaming in pain right now. But why, why didn't it help him feel any better? Why didn't the onslaught of pain alleviate at least a little of the sorrow, of the self-loathing? This was the pain he deserved, this was what he should bear for what he had done, so why didn't it help?

"The fourth time was when my wife was poisoned. Had he not been there with the others to keep the surrounding attackers away then I would not have been able to focus on those who poisoned her, those who could give me the antidote to save her. He helped save her life, and in doing so he saved me."

He rose from the ground with unsteady moves, his broken limbs putting themselves back together. He was strong, he was special, he was an existence that couldn't die easily since he had become a universe. But what a curse that felt like right now, he couldn't even experience the one thing he had forced upon his friends.

He raised his head as his neck snapped back into place, locking eyes with Zhuan Yi again. She winced slightly as she looked at him. His eyes were bleak and dim, filled with sorrow and loathing. It was a stark contrast to the strength he usually showed, it just felt wrong when she thought about everything he had shown her so far. He wasn't the type of man that should show something like this, it just wasn't right.

But he urged her to attack, so raise her arm she did. One attack was left, one final strike. She gathered what remained of her strength, dredging up the final drops she had in her and poured them all into her arm. Her arm then shot forward and elongated, turning into a blade lined by a myriad of smaller edges.

He was strange, messed up even, for wanting her to inflict pain like this on him. But then again, wasn't she just as messed up for actually going along with it? That was why one of them was the demon god and the other was a demonic beast, one gave the order and the other followed it, both of them messed up beyond understanding.

Her sword arm cut through Yao Jun's abdomen, the edges that lined the blade extending to shred him. He wanted pain, he wanted to suffer, even if it was just for a moment. So she obliged him and bathed him in pain, she shredded him from his chest and down, leaving not a single scrap of meat untouched as she cut and cut.

But even so, he still stood. Or perhaps floated was the correct term at this moment, a myriad of stars and galaxies visible within his chest. The shredded body quickly started to reform, this time even faster than before. His companions probably weren't able to keep looking at this any longer and were pouring their energy into him.

"The fifth time was when he protected my parents when I could not. He stepped in front of them and he blocked the attack that came for them, he gave his life so that they could life, and he saved my heart in the process."

Yao Jun's head slowly tilted towards the sky as he spoke. The sky was blue and gorgeous, but his face felt so wet that he would believe it if you told him that he was standing in a typhoon. It hurt. But it didn't help at all. The crushed skull, the fractured neck, the shredded flesh, none of it helped, none of it hurt more than his heart, none of it hurt more than the tears.

"Five times. Five times he has saved my life or my heart. And that's not even counting the number of times I've been saved by the lightning element he gave me. Five lives I owe him, five lifetimes of joy and pleasure."

His first companion, his first friend. He was there when Yao Jun first started his cultivation journey, when he first set foot into the wider world. He gave Yao Jun his first element, his first law, his first power, his first taste of the future. He was the beginning of it all, the start of the demon god. He had been the start, but now he would never get to see the end.

"But I couldn't even give him one, not a single measly one. All I brought him was miserable death."