The wrong path

I woke up after a long satisfying sleep. That was the first time, I was not haunted by a nightmare after I went to sleep. My stomach produced such a deep growl, that even I was afraid for a second. After trying to move and get to the ground I realized that my muscles were sore beyond comparison. Trying to move turned into a fight and after a long struggle, I still failed to move even an inch.

Focussing on the last remnants of mana inside of me, I try to summon the bugs residing inside of me, ordering them to search for food. It is quite unfortunate, that I am unable to control the transformation and even if I could manage to transform my current usage of it is just subpar at best. My only companion was my dissatisfied stomach. They were searching for human and beast alike. I am not a person who can think straight with an empty stomach.

Currently, I was waiting for my saviours to bring me the food I need to not drop dead at the spot. Looking around I spotted nothing but leaves, due to my height the world looked really big to me. Trying to distract myself from this hunger, I began thinking about many different things. Odd situations I have been in. Obvious signs I might have missed. All in all, I was reminiscing about my past. Seems like I am still unable to let go even after all I went through. Words can lie but your heart will tell the truth. Always blaming my surroundings because at that time it was the easiest thing to do. It is very easy to play the victim all the time, bathing in your own self-loathing until the end of time. A sigh escaped my lips, it is not like this thoughts are something new to me. Always able to analyze and help others with solutions to their problems but unable to truly free oneself from any kind of problem. Quite ironic.

In my brain my parents were the root of all evil, just heartless creatures valuing their own deer child just based on the results they achieve. Putting my dear little sister above me just because she fits more into their agenda. Reputation and business before family. I created an image, that totally rules out any kind of fault from my side. Instead of voicing my thoughts and opinion I just gave up and went to hide in my own little bubble. My own space, where no one is ought to hurt my poor little soul patting myself on the back because nobody has it as bad as I did.

Telling myself over and over again that I am special, I am not like the others. How insanely idiotic, a maniac claiming to be superior, while running away, taking pride in my so-called "achievements" while the only result was the constant disappointing, constant hurting of others. Claiming all the success without any kind of burden and yet having the gall to scream at my parents because they would not understand. Having the gall to try and cut people out of my life because they were not worthy in my eyes. Why did they forgive such a piece of shit over and over again? I don't get it, I was never a cause for happiness always bringing people down left and right and yet they tried to motivate me even after I clearly treated them like dirt.

And I still wondered why after all the stuff I did, they started to live their lives without me. Those were the consequences of your action darling, not the "whole world is against you" situation, you so gladly painted for your own sake. They did not own you any cent, they did not owe you the affection they showered you with, they did not have to put their own happiness behind just so you could be happy and yet they did and at first, they gladly did so. But you never once were grateful never once reflected on what you did. You just acted like it was all natural. It was their God-given task to do everything for your sake. The human race truly is selfish and I am a prime example.

Just because I am related to them does not mean they have to give up their whole lives for me. I am just a burden in their life, just pulling everyone and everything down with me. Cutting me out of their life was truly the best thing they did. Yet my parents still send me money without asking for anything else in return, they are too good for this world. I am just a parasite, a menace to their livelihood. Maybe my death was the best way to redeem myself, the best gift I could ever make.

My dear sister, I am sorry for having disappointed you, you did everything you could do trying to reach me, trying to guide me to a path, where we could be a happy family again. Scorn was the only reaction I showed for all your doings. I can understand your hatred, I can understand closing me out of your heart. It is not selfish to not want to be hurt. It is not selfish to try and make your parents happy by cutting me out of their lives. But just one more time I will be selfish and wish you the very best from my heart even if I am unworthy of saying that. Someday when you look back, I wish you are able to move one and stop wasting any second thinking about a failure like me don't waste your life dwelling in hatred.

And to my dearest friend, the one who showered me with warmth and companionship. You did not deserve the life you lived before. Letting you live with me was the single greatest thing I did in my life, but I must admit it was not because I was deeply moved by your fate. I just wanted to have someone in my life who I still could look down upon. Yet you were thankful for everything I did. My bearing and action were clearly showcasing how much I was rejoicing in every setback you got. But you never once even were angry with me just the purest and kindest soul I have ever met. Everyone in my life cut me rightfully out their lives telling me all their pent-up feelings. You on the other hand, never cut me out, never treated me like dirt. You even wished me luck, wished me just the best for my future. Why? I did not deserve that kind of treatment. You are far too good for this ugly selfish world. I truly wish that you found a man that appreciates and treats you like you deserve it. I truly just wish you all the best.

Now I am here in this new world all alone, is this my punishment? Is this how I should atone for my wrongdoings? Is there even a way for me to get rid of all my sins. All I am doing is causing and spreading even more misery. I am not part of this world and I never should have been. This is truly a world devoid of any reason. Dieing would just be the easy way out, I am tired of always fleeing in front of my responsibilities. Live as long while carrying the burden of what you did, think about what you have done. This world only knows suffering. There is no salvation, there is no purpose.

Memories of the past are not a shackle, they are the key to motivation. I never was the good guy, even in my story. Vowing to shape the world how I like it, how foolish must I have been. No matter where I am, the reason I exist is to make people suffer, that is all I amount to.

So I surrender myself, give up all that useless ambition, give up on my very own self. I will not lay my life down until I feel like I have done enough to atone. Then I will let my heart be pierced by someone I trust. I will not die before I have accomplished that. I will show them the value of life, that life truly has much to offer. To not let them make the same mistakes that I did. To prevent them from walking down the same path to damnation that I did. Bloodshed is unavoidable necessary evil to convey my purpose.

May gods exist or not, may I suffer divine punishment, I am in no position to care. After all, I am here just for that one single reason.

To make them remember the joy of living, by taking their lives over and over and over again. Till the end of my time and even beyond that.

My little bugs come to me, get stronger by consuming every creature. Everything you eat will be nourishment for my endeavour. I will hunt every single human and eat them to get stronger and stronger to cause more and more destruction. There is no mercy and pity to be expected. They just know the language of violence and before I can speak with them, I need to be able to speak that language fluently. I did not care what I had become, why should I be bothered by the fact that I got less human by the day. I am just a filthy monster nothing more.

Without realizing how much time has passed or how many monsters the bugs have brought to me by now. I stood up ignoring my aching body and jumped out of the tree. It is time to hunt monsters to get used to this cruel world.

After all, I finally found the purpose of my life.