37 Chapter 35: Livin large with death in charge
We know we have had a little brake but we are back now with the final 10 chapters of your favorite book, so sit back and cring at the new chapter of 1000 Ways To Dieeeeee...
Date: May 10, 2010
Location: Philadelphia, PA
pervert named Duncan uses his camera phone to get upskirt photos of women. While standing behind a woman (who is wearing a skirt with no underwear) at a streetside coffee vendor, the woman freaks out, and the construction worker standing next to her goes to beat up the pervert verbally. Meanwhile, another construction worker 8 stories up trips over a sandbag and lets go of a reinforcement bar, which falls from the sky and impales the pervert from his shoulder through his side, impaling his heart, killing him instantly and sending him to Hell.
Way To Die #237: Him-paled
Date: May 2, 2005
Location: Hohhat, China
An unscrupulous antiquities trader and tomb raider named Dutch sneaks into a cave along with his sidekick, Kim, and steals a 1,000-year-old warrior statue, only to awaken a colony of bats. One of the bats bites Dutch in the neck, infecting him with the SARS virus, although him and Kim managed to escape. Two weeks later, Dutch, while the statue is in his possession, succumbs to the SARS virus, filling his lungs with blood and after some of his blood have been vomited onto his shirt, he dies in his sleep, thus ceasing his tomb raiding days forever.
Way To Die #324: Bats All Folks
Date: March 5, 1908
Location: Long Island City, NY
The Longfellow couple hired Mary Mallon as their cook. What they don't know is that Mary has a secret. She has been suffering from typhoid fever. She is also a healthy carrier and infected other people by placing germs on her food that she cooks, and on the utensils. Her nickname was "Typhoid Mary". After being served, the Longfellows dig in and began to feel symptoms of typhoid fever. Over the next four weeks, the typhoid fever took action on the couple causing diarrhea and vomiting before finally, the Longfellows became Typhoid Mary's second and third victims and died.
Way To Die #145: Mary-nated
Date: January 22, 2010
Location: New York City, NY
An arrogant, overweight, doughnut-eating ballroom dancer named Esteban uses a corset to make himself look skinny, but laces it too tight. He dances with Yolanda. After many failed attempts, Esteban starts a row with Yolanda, and eventually, she is sick and tired of him. This causes her to leave Esteban speechless. You may think that he was at a loss for words but that's not why. Esteban couldn't breathe. The corset compresses his chest and fractures one of his ribs so that it punctures his heart, causing internal bleeding and cardiac arrest, killing him by the time he collapses onto the floor.
Way To Die #578: Corset Killed Him
Date: March 6, 2010
Location: Old Lyme, Connecticut
Egon had an extreme hatred for bugs: he couldn't stand their very existence. Egon would collect bugs to torture and kill. Then, he decided to take things to a new level by covering a wall of his house with homemade flypaper coated with cyanoacrylate. When he was finished, he gazed back at his work. Little did Egon know, his creation would be the death of him. Then a mosquito showed up, and Egon swatted at it with his flyswatter, only to stump over the bucket of adhesive and become stuck to his wall, completely immobilized. He struggled and thrashed, desperately trying to escape his ordeal while screaming for help, but it was completely useless because no one comes to his aide. After 2 days completely stuck to the wall, he lost all control of his bladder. About 5 days later, Egon was scared, weak, dirty, teetering on the edge of life, until he inevitably died. But the story doesn't end there. The bugs that survived Egon's manic tortures escaped. They smelled his rotting corpse and they devoured him. They also laid eggs in his rectum and other internal organs. They ate, and ate, and ate until Egon was completely reduced to a skeleton, sending the evil house cleaner to the hell as he deserves.
Way To Die #206: Lord of The Flies or
Way To Die #206: Pretty Fly for A Dead Guy or
Way To Die #206: Butter-Die
Date: June 26, 2008
Location: New York City, NY
A spoiled stockbroker named Lenny had been bilking millions of dollars from investors through an illicit Ponzi scheme. Everyone would say that he was a regular Bernard Madoff, but his greedy behavior was going to catch up to him; following the stock market crash, he receives word that his office is about to be raided by the FBI, so he and his secretary, Patty, tried frantically to destroy all the evidence.
"Tipped off that his office was about to be raided, he tried desperately to destroy evidence. But then, something gets to Lenny before the feds... death."
Suddenly, he suffers a horrible stomachache, crying Mommy before dying and leaving a horrified Patty. How'd that happen? What caused Lenny's death was his bucky ball stress toy; When he slammed it on his desk in a fit of rage, some of the neodymium magnets landed in his tapioca bubble tea. While drinking the tea, he swallowed the magnets, which then caused them to attract to each other, tearing through his small intestines, causing him to die of internal bleeding.
Way To Die #397: Bucky Boned or
Way To Die #397: Ponzi-reamed
Date: May 12, 2017
Location. Ramsey, NJ
A young woman named Carla proceeds to marry a much older and richer man named James. Carla's drunken ex-boyfriend Perry is also in attendance at the wedding, bitter that Carla is marrying someone else and not him. Once the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage, Perry gets up and pleads to her not to marry James and flashes everyone (by tearing off all of his clothes) to show Carla what she's gonna miss out on while the other attendees watch. After mooning the priest, the priest orders the other attendees to catch Perry.
"Perry makes for what he thinks is an open doorway... and his ass is glassed."
What he thinks is an open doorway, was really a glass window, which cuts through his exposed flesh, slices his veins, severs his arteries, and pierces his heart. Thus causing near instantaneous exsanguination and death.
Carla chose stability and money over her hot-headed ex. Perry decided to show everyone exactly what she would be missing. Carla said I do, and then Perry said... 'I'm done'.
Way To Die #595: Wedding Crasher or
Way To Die #595: Nude Dude Nooned
Date: June 16, 2010
Location: Fort Wayne, IN
Two unrelated thieves named Ramirez and Marco attempt to loot a meat truck. Marco gets in the back to loot the meat, but is locked in by the driver. Ramirez hijacks the truck, unaware that another thief is in the back. When he is tipped off to the cops, he makes a getaway on the truck, swerving constantly. While swerving, Marco in the back is rattled around until he gets impaled in the throat by a meat hook causing his death from massive hemorrhaging. As soon as Ramirez is arrested after pulling over the truck, the police officer opens the rear portion of the truck, only to discover Marco's corpse, much to the horror of the officer and Ramirez.
Way To Die #372:
Date: July 21, 2011
Location: Chinatown, Los Angeles, CA
Wang-Chung was a street-side con artist who worked as a marketeer, but not just any merchants... he was a black market merchant. Wang-Chung had a small street-side bazaar where you could buy anything from protected animal organs to illegal weapons. The fact that a criminal like this could sell illegal goods in public was astonishing. One day, while making a pirated DVD sale, he gets a tip that the FBI agent is coming after him... right now. Wang-Chung immediately closes his bazaar and hastily hides in his camp-trailer, where he hides illegal fireworks. sure enough, the FBI arrives and begins investigating his street-corner. An hour later, Wang-Chung takes a lit cigarette and then puts it on a 6-pack of canned beverages. It falls off and lands on the fuse of a firecracker. Wang-Chung soon notices the lit fuse and the trouble he's in and a moment later... all hell breaks loose inside the small trailer. The initial explosion of the firework set off a huge, fiery, loud chain-reaction... with Wang-Chung crammed inside. Fireworks, firecrackers, bottle rockets, sparklers, popper-snappers and more all shoot everywhere in all directions, causing a catastrophic, forceful blast wave of blazing fire that no human could survive. When the explosions end, the FBI agent opens the door to find Wang-Chung's blackened corpse.
Way To Die #252: Well Chung
