18 Chapter 17: Signed the Death Warrent
Date: August 4th, 2004
Location: Akron, OH
Amos and Larry were a couple of mental annorexists driving a station wagon, drunk, and not even wearing seat belts. While driving 60 MPH(96 km/h) after drinking two six packs of alcohol, Larry felt carsick, and leaned out his driver's-side window to vomit, not knowing that he was causing the car to swerve toward a street's edge, where his head was in the way of a mailbox. He gets decapitated after his head hits the mailbox, causing immediate brain death as his lifeless head gets dropped onto the sidewalk. Amos didn't know that Larry was dead at first after the impact because he was asking him if he was alright, but after pulling his headless corpse to his side, he was horrified.
Way To Die #528: D. U. Die
Date: June 18th, 2001
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
On June 18, 2001 in Ann Arbor, Michigan, Natasha was a belly dancer determined to win the Belly Dancer of the Universe competition. She dances around in her house, trying to perfect her dance style. She practices every day and treated this competition as her Super Bowl. She wants to "reach for the stars." Unfortunately for Natasha, her scarf gets tangled in the ceiling fan due to her constantly throwing her scarf up in the air. As a result, the fan lifts Natasha off her feet and up into the air where she simultaneously tries desperately to breathe and get her scarf unstuck. Tragically, the belly dancing beauty's struggles prove unsuccessful as Natasha asphyxiates, which ends both her life and her dream to become the Belly Dancer of the Universe.
Wag To Die #146: Exotic Dier
Date: October 7th, 2007
Location: Gary, IN
A male boxer named Bobby Jones gets his manhood ridiculed while training with a punching bag. After training, we learn that he not only does boxing, but also cross-dresses as a woman to calm down after a workout. Outside the boxing gym, an unnamed rapist mistakes him for a real woman. After the rapist attacks him and calls Jones a lady, he punches the rapist in the temple with a powerful right cross, but with so much force that the rapist's brain compresses and bleeds out inside his skull. The rapist then passes out and dies due to blood loss and brain damage, sending him to hell as he deserves.
Way To Die #217: Suck Her Punched
Date: October 10th, 1911
Location: Lynchburg, TN
Jasper was a famous Jack Daniel or Moonshiner. Jasper has been a moonshiner for many's a year. Not only Jasper sold moonshine, he tested some of his own moonshine. After a while, he forgets that in his storeroom is a safe. In it was where he sold his secret formula. However, Jasper was the only one who knew the code and testing his own product got him so drunk he can't remember the combination. Frustrated, Jasper gave his safe the boot. However, Jasper did not open his safe but he did open a large gash on his big toe, which later became infected. After two weeks, on Jasper's death bed, his assistant (Bill Oberst Jr.) came in to give Jasper one last drink. Jasper took the last drink and right before he died of septic shock, his final words were, "Batch number 7 sure was the one.". He is now sent to heaven, where he can make more moonshines.
Way To Die #177: Whiskey Business
Date: February 25th, 1998
Location: Syracuse, NY
Suzette is cooking for Brett, her new boyfriend, and forces him to smell some exotic, imported spices. Little did Suzette know, Brett has asthma, but he doesn't tell her because he thinks it makes him weak. To make matters worse, his inhaler soon runs out of medicine, and he begins to asphyxiate, but Suzette refuses to believe what he does, thinking he's just faking it. She didn't notice until she puts her head on Brett's chest. It was too late, when Brett dies from massive asthma attack.
Way To Die #657: Dead Heat
Date: May 18th, 1989
Location: Honolulu, HI
Sheldon is an Orthodox Jew that is madly in love and obsessed with a hula dancer named Leilani in Hawaii. He moved from Brooklyn to open up a new jewelry store. He tries many things to woo her like leaving poi kreplach, serenading Jewish folk songs on a ukulele, and surfing, with all the attempts being futile. One evening, Sheldon was so overcome with desire, that he crashed a luau where Leilani was performing with her dance troupe. Later, he tried to propose to her, but failed since she wanted nothing to do with him. In his drunken stupor, he decides to stalk her and puts on a grass skirt and dances near torch jugglers. He gets too close and ignites on a nearby torch, causing him to burn to death and then blackened.
Way To Die #96: Poi Vey
Date: April 27th, 2001
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
Shuggy, a life-long bad guy, has been in and out of gangs and prisons and never made one dollar in his entire life. On this day, he waits to knock over a gas station convenience store. Yards away, Arthur, an 85-year-old widower, gets into his classic Chrysler and thinks about his life. However, unable to drive due to his poor eyesight, he would start his car and reminisce. Shuggy, aiming for the store, puts on his hoodie and looks around for something to steal, while Arthur, losing consciousness, passes away peacefully in his car. Back at the store, Shuggy knocks out the clerk, steals money from the cash register, and gets away with it. The car Arthur got into while he was alive rolls down the hill. Then fate steps in when Arthur's car does a heroic deed and runs over Shuggy. Its grill breaking his thigh, the tires breaking his leg and neck bones and vertebrae, Shuggy then lies dead on the road.
Way To Die #420: ReTired
Date: July 7th, 2008
Location: Cherry Hill, NJ
Mary's husband Carl uses her in an abusive relationship as a form of cleaning the house from day to day. She eventually has had enough of Carl and tells him that she's getting a divorce when he comes home drunk again. Carl doesn't like the idea of a divorce at all and charges at Mary. However, the wet floor causes him to slip and land on the dishwasher, in which a knife is placed with the blade up and goes through his heart, killing him instantaneously and sending him to Hell where he belongs, much to the relief of Mary.
Way To Die #308: Die-shwasher
