13 Chapter 12: Death: A users manual
Date: 02-20-2012
Location: Bucket O' Wings, Naperville, NV
Dave "the Egg" Vespucci is an overeating, beer-drinking slob out on a date at a wings restaurant with his girlfriend Audrey. While on the date, Dave suffers from a bout of chronic belching which disgusts his date. Unbeknownst to Dave, the peptic ulcers in his stomach had began to bleed out, resulting in the burping. Dave convinces Audrey to punch him in the gut, thinking it will cure the burping. The hard blow to Dave's gut causes his stomach to rupture and all its contents to spill out into his body cavity.
Way To Die #117: Gut Busters
Date: 08-08-2016
Location: Irvin, CA
Tricia and Chet were texters. Chet was driving while Tricia was walking, but now their death clock was ticking. The problem was that they didn't know when to stop. Tricia was walking around town, texting as Chet was driving through town, also while texting. When Chet encounters Tricia walking down the road, he doesn't see Tricia until he hits her, crushing her organs and killing her instantly.
Way To Die #78: Text-aholic
Date: 10-24-2009
Location: Anytime Fitness Gym, Seattle, WA
Mike Arms was an amateur bodybuilder who worked out constantly with the goal of becoming a bodybuilder. Each time, he would stick a needle full of steroids in his leg which gave him incredible strength and size. But inside his body, his heart was beating irregular beats. He had something called cardiomyopathy, or an abnormal heart beat. One day, while working out, the cardiomyopathy took its toll. Mike had an arrhythmia, and died of Cardiac Arrest.
Way To Die #417: Destroid
Date: 07-03-1992
Location: Monrovia, CA
Irishmen Patty and Nick have two passions in life: golfing and drinking, not necessarily in that order. On a vacation to the United States, they proved to be much better drinkers than golfers. When Patty hit a slice to retrieve the ball, a rat ran up his pant leg, scratched him, and peed on his leg, leaving an open wound to get infected. The Duffer's demise has already begun. A week later back in Ireland, Patty's health was declining and eventually, Patty died of leptospirosis, and after he died in the presence of Nick, the latter covers his fallen body with the blanket, thus sending him to heaven.
Way To Die #210: Pissed off
Date: June 5, 2004
Location: IDK...Someplace in California
Tom Bordwell has just got back from his Sunday drive with his family, so he parks his classic 1965 Pontiac GTO Judge in the garage and leaves. Little did he know that a car thief known as "The Dangler" was planning to steal his prized possession. He throws a rope and slides down; all went well until his foot got tangled in the rope leaving him in a struggle to pull himself up. After his blood pressure skyrocketed, he dies following massive strokes, hemorrhages and shocks after three days.
Way To Die #222: Car Jacked-Off
Date: 08-11-2012
Location: Miami, FL
Fred Garfield AKA Laughy the Clown, a drunken alcoholic clown, also a bad clown is on his way to his next birthday party, wishing, more than anything, that it would be his last. Ironically, he was coulrophobic as a child (meaning he was scared of clowns, which also makes this clown a hypocritical one). He would always bring the grand finale, a giant balloon called, "Ally Gator" which was probably the only worthwhile part of his act. When he stops short in front of the party, a canister of CO2 rolls up against his seat, inflating the giant balloon for his act while still in the car. He is too drunk to sense the danger until it is too late, and dies when the balloon presses him against the car door and he suffocates.
Way To Die #201: CL0WNED
Date: 08-12-2007
Location: New River, AZ
Last year in the USA, over 3,000 people died by drowning. But only one managed to do it like this.
It started the way a lot of accidental deaths do; a combination of alcohol, college kids and a prospect of wild, naked sex. The Reservoir was a legendary college hangout, famous for this cliff and only the bravest took the leap. The combination of beer and booty had Patrick staring down at the water 60 feet below and jumped from the cliff.
In what would later be reported as a freak accident, Patrick hit the surface at 30 MPH (48 km/h) at a perfect angle for a powerful jet of water to shoot up his rectum and blow out his large intestine. Massive internal bleeding caused him to pass out and drown.
Way To Die #447: H²o-no
Date: 01-19-1997
Location: Mesa, AZ
Chuck was an easy amuser of jokes told to him. One day, while at a bar, his friend told a joke so funny that Chuck couldn't stop laughing over. Even after leaving the bar later that night, and coming back the next morning, he still couldn't stop laughing. He laughed for thirty-six hours straight so hard that his heart couldn't take the strain and gave out. He literally died of laughter, per se.
Way To Die #302: Funny Boned
Date: 11-21-1995
Location: Kobe, Japan
Yoshi Nakamura was a Japanese businessman. He has been practicing his bowing for a very important job interview with Saichi Tanaka. He walks around the town until he sees Tanaka. Tanaka stands face to face with Yoshi. When Tanaka and Yoshi bow, Tanaka's head accidently hits Yoshi's head, which leads to Yoshi's death due to a fatal brain aneurysm. What a very tragic story.
"Your typical Japanese businessman bows 300 times a day. On this day, Yoshi.. bowed out."
Way To Die #72: Bowed Out
July 5th, 2007
In Statesvillee Prison in Albuquerque New Mexico
It was a special day for the man behind the blinds. His name was Scott Randall and this was the day he was scheduled to die by lethal injection. Randall was bad to the bone. Three people died by his hand, and you don't want to know how. The families of his victims were there to make sure he got what was coming. A too good actor when he wasn't killing anyone, Randall relished his final role.
Lethal injection involves a number of drugs. The first was sodium pentothal, which was supposed to knock the inmate out, and then potassium chloride finishes him off. But there was a hitch. Even with enough drugs in his system to drop out a rhino, Randall's heart didn't skip a beat because the straps restraining his arm is acting as a tourniquet.
The authorities were mystified. Then the order came in for Randall to be released. Scott Randall, a convicted murderer, and phenomenal scumbag had a new lease on life. Randall was unstrapped and he started cursing at his victims' families and attempts to break the glass, scaring them away in the process. But in the middle of his fury, Randall went down and then out. The reason he didn't die before is that the straps were too tight. Once unstrapped, the drugs found the one thing most swore Randall never had: a heart and finished him off and sending him straight to the place where he belongs, and that is Hell, where he won't be killing anymore people.
Way To Die #277: You're So Vein
Date: 04-02-2001
Location: Jasper, TN
Zack Taylor, an alcoholic, entered into a liquor store in order to get more alcohol to drink. While there, he opted to steal some items from the store shelves. When Zack was confronted by the shopkeeper, he fled the store, grabbing a hot dog on his way out. After putting it into his mouth, he continued running. The force caused the hot dog to slip into his trachea, causing him to choke to death. The shopkeeper later calls 911. As he talked to a female police officer, the paramedics took Zack's body to an ambulance to transfer it to a morgue.
Way To Die #85: Doggie Style
Date: October 19th, 2005
Location: Tooele County, UT
A mentally unstable/ill man named Lucas who has never been with a woman before, learns from a magazine that you can rig a cow heart up to a car battery and use it as a sex toy. Lucas buys a cow heart from a local slaughterhouse and nicknames it "Bessie", having sex with it after rigging it up to the battery. When it does not work for him, Lucas hooks the cow heart up to a 110-volt wall socket and is electrocuted to death when he tries to have sex with it again.
Way To Die #403: Heart On
