12 Chapter 11: Cure For The Common Death
Date: 07-04-2008
Location: Lawrence, KS
It's the 4th of July. All across the country, citizens are celebrating their nation's birthday in the best way they know how: by getting hammered. By the time the sun went down, Bernie and his buddies were completely Drunk.
With these knuckleheads stupid as a vocation, Bernie is about to show why. Bernie has been planning the mother of all banners for weeks. A home-made firework launcher and a crudely made bomb. Bernie had provided enough cherry bombs to equal the explosive power of a stick of dynamite, even though homemade fireworks had been made illegal 17 years ago. When it fails to work, Bernie looks down the barrel of the launcher, and the firework explodes in his face, much to the amusement of his friends, and unaware of his death.
Besides being severely burnt, Bernie's face shattered from the impact as his brain rattles inside his cranium, causing fatal hemorrhaging.
"He clearly was not aware of the reason why there was a federal law banning homemade bombs since 1966."
Way To Die #77: Red, White, and Blew
Date: 12-21-1978
Location: Bordeaux, France
A man named Pierre has an eating disorder known as Pica Syndrome (a condition in which people crave things that are not edible). Pierre had a craving for metal coins, and even ate the tag from his pet dog's collar. Several weeks later, pain begins to build in Pierre's stomach as the weight of the metal objects was forcing Pierre's stomach against his pelvis. The hospital does an emergency surgery on Pierre's stomach, but it is too late because the metal objects in his stomach had lacerated large veins and arteries and eventually, his stomach ruptured and his entire blood supply (including the objects) leaked into his abdomen. Pierre died before a stomach transplant could be performed.
"Of all the stories that have passed through the 1000 Ways to Die research department, this one wins the medal of weirdness."
Way To Die #756: Bank Ruptured
Date: 07-23-2007
Location: Beijing, China
Li and Feng were devoted fans of heavy metal music who weren't thinking very logically. The loud, hard, beats of heavy metal was their passion. By day they worked as factory workers making plastic toys to export to the West. And by night, they rocked out to heavy metal until dawn break, the loud music blasting from their tiny apartment. Their jamming included air-guitars, air-drums, moshing, headbanging, and screaming. One night, they jump on and off their beds right after destroying their air guitars, dangerously close to an open window. Li jumps on the bed near the window but he slips and falls right out the window 60-feet down to the pavement. Feng, who had just witnessed his roommate's demise, can't bare to be living without his lifelong friend, so he intentionally jumps off his bed right out the window after making one last Chinese warlord scream and he too, dies instantly on the sidewalk and abandons his and Li's apartment, sending the two Chinese guitar heroes to hell. Now, Li and Feng's corpses were lying lifeless on the sidewalk, only inches away from each other. In the end, China won't do with Li and Feng anymore.
"Feng can't bear the thought of breaking up the band. He gives one last Chinese warlord scream and follows his rock-and-roll brother out of the window.
Way To Die #66: Guitar Zeros
Date: 01-05-1920
Location: Orange, NJ
In the 1920s, Wendy and a group of women work at a factory that uses paint containing radium to create fluorescent watch faces. Wendy and the women notice that the paint also glows when applied to their skin. They eventually expose themselves to huge amounts of radiation after repeated applications (mostly using the radioactive paint as glow-in-the-dark body paint for their lovers during sex). Wendy was one of the first women to die from bone cancer, and six of her surviving colleagues joined together and filed one of the first successful workers' rights lawsuits against the company and won, leading to increased safety standards in American workplaces. Wendy is now sent to heaven, where all of the Radium Girls will surely meet her one day.
Way To Die #196: Radium Girls
Date: 08-19-2001
Location: San Dimas, CA
Taylor and Conrad were two mega-fans of Ozzy Osbourne (a real-life heavy metal singer). To prepare for Ozfest, Taylor has a container of fire ants so that he and Conrad would snort as there is a rock and roll legend that Ozzy snorted a line of fire ants with Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx. However, after snorting a few, the fire ants sting their nasal cavities, and the two suffocate to death.
Way To Die #638: Oz Holed
Date: 12-28-2008
Location: St Augustine, FL
Sandy was a female scuba diver who cheated death after her oxygen tank failed and she was forced to make an emergency swim to the surface. She currently rests in a decompression chamber in order for nitrogen bubbles in her body to dissolve into her bloodstream. Sandy must wait hours before she can exit. But Sandy doesn't mind; she prefers boredom over death. Unfortunately, a maintenance worker at the scuba centre accidentally opens the hatch to the chamber. In a nanosecond, the pressure is released into the chamber causing the nitrogen in Sandy's body to mix with oxygen and expand. Sandy explodes, literally.
Way To Die #710: Tanked Girl
Date: 08-02-2009
Location: El Paso, TX
Jesse was a low-rider, meaning he had a low-riding car and competing in low-riding competitions. He was pretty good at it too, but, his only problem was he would get insanely jealous if somebody made eyes at his girlfriend, Pinki. On this day, Jesse was competing against another low-rider, when he caught him looking at Pinki. In a jealous rage, Jesse forgets to screw in a bolt that keeps the hydraulic spring connected to his car. At the end of the match, Jesse wins. However, his car then rears up to an almost vertical angle, so when it comes down, the spring shoots out from under the car. It hits Jesse in the chest and ultimately knocks him right underneath the car. The 2 ton car jumps up and down on his chest and head, crushing him in an instant and also killing him instantly. A terrible accident, all because of an unscrewed bolt and it was his own fault. Pinki was horrified that the wheels crushed his rib cage and fractured his skull, bleeding into his brain.
Way To Die #414: Hydro-Licked
Date: 04-12-2008
Location: Natick, MA
Wally, who was tired of his pretend girlfriend (a blow-up doll, that is), was a questionable karate master who shows off his karate moves in hopes of winning himself a real girlfriend. In order to prove his skills, he had Carl, who is his wannabe director friend, to record some clips. First, Wally used a wooden board to break, and broke it in his 3rd attempt. Then Wally unsuccessfully tried to break a block, after which he could hear some girls calling him in his head. Those actions weakened his skull. The final act? Nunchucks. While twirling them, he accidentally whacked himself with the nunchucks and dropped dead within seconds due to fractured skull and fatal brain damage.
Way To die #188: Nun-F*cked
Date: 05-04-2006
Location: Peirce County, WA
Luke Wiggins was a loner who moved to the county to get away from city-life. But, unfortunately, he found himself living next to a popular jogging trail. So he drunk some cans of beer and came up with a clever scheme: disguise himself as Bigfoot & scare them away. (You'd think he was watching way too many Scooby-Doo episodes). After he began stalking a young mother & her baby, she reported that a strange creature to a park ranger. The park ranger immediately guessed that it was Bigfoot & went out to the woods to capture him. As Luke was chasing a young woman who was jogging, the ranger shot him with a tranquilizer-gun. The tranquilizer dart contained Etorphine, a semi-synthetic opioid 2,000 times more potent than Morphine. It is designed to sedate large mammals, like elephants and bears. When used on mammals such as humans, it slows down the bloodstream & shuts down the victim's body. When the park ranger unmasked "Bigfoot" he was surprised to see the body of Luke, who had died of hypotension caused by the instantaneous Etorphine overdose.
Way To Die #158: Myth Busted
Date: 03-24-1998
Location: Los Angeles, CA
A Russian spy named Anatoli turns traitor and starts selling secrets to the U.S., clueless that his employers have been watching and photographing him the entire time. Instead of firing him, one worker disguises himself as a vendor where Anatoli went every morning. He puts a lethal dose of Polonium-210, a radioactive substance 250,000 times more toxic than cyanide, into Anatoli's coffee. Within 21 days (3 weeks) he died of acute radiation poisoning. After he died, the doctor covers his fallen body, while his soul is on a one-way trip to Hell where no more secrets have been to sold to another place.
Way To Die #304: Radioactivate-dead
Date: 01-18-2004
Location: Cairns, Australia
Shirley was on a beach trip with a group of American students on a vacation to Australia. However, she liked to scare everybody. Shirley tried a new technique by going to the waves and giving everybody a false alarm that there was a shark. However, when the people come to save Shirley, there wasn't even a shark at all. Shirley swims underwater and accidentally swallows an Irukandji jellyfish, which proceeded to sting her trachea and swelling it shut. Nobody believed Shirley's story when she cried for help, all thanks to the shark prank she played on them earlier. By the time they finally realized that this was for real, it was too late, and Shirley dies of Irukandji Syndrome and asphyxiation.
Way To Die #389: Swallow Wallows
Date: 02-21-2006
Location: Louisville, KY
An obnoxious, renowned jockey named Pedro who was evicted from his hotel becomes desperate to win a horse race so he can retire for good, so he becomes anorexic and starts abusing illegal Chinese laxatives to lose enough weight to race. Pedro surprisingly wins, but dies from massive dehydration, potassium deficiency, and renal failure from the laxatives he took and no fluids to replenish his electrolytes.
Way To Die #276- Die-arrhea
Date: 07-25-2009
Location: Las Vegas, NV
A girl and her friends are having a bachelorette party, and they hired a male stripper named Boinky, who's an adult male clown that performs X-Rated (aka NC-17 rating) tricks on a bachelorette party. Boinky then performs a striptease, and then he does the grand finale. Boinky then swallows a purple balloon, but his stomach acid pops the balloon, choking him to death. The women however, are too confused to help thinking that this is all a part of his act.
Way To Die #122: Balloon-a-tic
