11 Chapter 10: death be not stupid
Date: 05-19-2002
Location: West Glacier, MT
On May 19, 2002, in West Glacier, Montana. A bank robber named Cisco hides out in the wilderness. Unfortunately, he accidentally smashes his last bottle of bourbon on a rock, much to his anger as he throws his broken bottle onto the ground. Wanting to get drunk but having no booze left (and not willing to get caught by authorities by setting foot in a bar or liquor store), he siphons the gasoline from his motorcycle, thinking he can drink it because it contains ethanol, the form of alcohol found in almost all forms of booze. However, he is unable to keep it down, and when he vomits it back up into his campfire, he is engulfed in flames, causing him to be burnt to a crisp. Cisco should have known that gasoline doesn't just contain ethanol.
Way To Die #502: Gas Hole
Date: 11-24-2012
Location: Tokyo, Japan
A young Japanese couple named Hiroto and Sakura have been married for seven years and are very much in love with each other. However, they have never engaged in sexual activity, as both are too nervous to do so. One day, the two finally decide to set their anxieties aside and consummate their marriage. That evening, Hiroto returns home back from work, and the two take a drink of some plum wine. Gaining courage from consuming the alcohol, the couple take it to the bedroom. This time, there is no holding back, as Hiroto and Sakura experienced orgasms during their first and final occasion of sexual intercourse in their lives. After their simultaneous climax, they succumb to heart attacks and die peacefully in their sleep.
"Tragic? Maybe. But of all the 1000 Ways to Die, this one gets our highest ranking. Ichiban. Number One."
Way To Die #1: Ichi-Boned
Date: 12-15-1990
Location: Long Beach, CA
Jake Basso has the ideal personality everyone expects from a metal worker: punctual, friendly and thorough, but there was one problem he had: he was a narcoleptic. Off and on, he sleeps anywhere--the bathroom, his home couch, even at his work place. One day, Jake falls asleep in a curing oven. Not knowing that Jake is in the oven, Manny, a friend and co-worker, turns on the oven at 600 degrees Fahrenheit for 12 hours, baking Jake alive. After 12 hours have passed, the co-worker opens the oven and is horrified to see Jake burnt to a crisp.
Way To Die #518: Jake N' Baked
Date: 06-03-2010
Location: Evanston, IL
Darlene had a very overweight problem. She tried many diet solutions, including eating cabbage, grapefruit, even chocolate, but nothing worked. She tried one more solution after ordering tapeworm larvae online. She swallows the worms, and they make their way into Darlene's intestines. They ate everything that she ate. 3 weeks have passed since then, and Darlene had dropped 4 dress sizes. However, the worms weren't finished--they eventually reproduced all over her body. 2 months later, Darlene started to feel a little ill, and she lost sixty pounds. Because of her so-called "diet", she died on her couch after talking to her friend on the phone. Darlene finally dropped to a size-8 dress, which she wore...in her grave.
Way To Die #734: Die It
Date: 09-20:2006
Location: Simi Vally, CA
Luke and Mickey, a pair of high-school rejected boys, film themselves in a YouTube series (called Suburban Slaughter), which consists of them doing various shootings on people (including a drive-by on an old lady with a purse) with a paintball gun as part of a hare-brained plot to become viral video stars on YouTube. When the gun malfunctions, it shoots the canister of CO2 at 200 mph(or 320 km/h) into Mickey's larynx, which breaks his neck and kills him and thus sending him to hell. Horrified, Luke tries to get help... only for the previous victim to catch up with him and start hitting him with her purse.
Way To Die #499: Pained Gun
07-17-2015
Willard, NM
An easily agitated electrician named Randall tries his hand at fishing to calm his nerves/anger, but is frustrated by not being able to make a catch. Randall strings a 12,000 volt electrical wire into the lake in order to kill the fish as he laughs evilly while asking God if he did see what he was doing, but accidentally steps barefoot off the wooden boat seat onto the metal of the boat floor, electrocuting himself and killing him instantly.
"I'm not a fisherman, I'm an electrician!"
-Randall, about to make the dumbest decision of his life
Way To Die #283: Deadliest Catch
