...in the rain

When people look out at the world, as they grow up and become young adults; they all see this wide, wonderful adventure waiting for them. Much like a flower, shaking it's stem, saying come hither. When I look out into the world all I see is fear. Fear of the people, the places, and the things out there. I'm so terrified of it all that I find, I hate myself. I hate everything about me. Everyone has something they love about themselves, right? Well sure for normal people, but I'm not normal. Do I think my eyes are okay? Sure, but that's it. You say, well that's a good start! And I reply "I love all blue eyes, mine are just a pair, of a billion more out there".

I don't make it on the list, of even the strangest people. I'm some kind of monster, self-locked in a cage, that she doesn't want to open. The one who throws the keys into the dark, so she doesn't have to look at it. The thing that hopes no one sees it, at the same time doesn't want to be all alone. This armor is stuck to a body, I already can't stand. A grown up child, who can't even stand her own reflection. The reasons are always unknown. How can I answer your questions, when I don't even know them myself? How can I tell you what you need to know, when I'm lost in my own maze?

People seem to make the best of every situation, I can't understand the situation. I'm this person who sees the world, but views it through an HD telescope. It's clear to look at, but understanding and being part of the whole, is different. Do I long to be among it all? Well who doesn't dream about being part of the world? I get so horrified, so fucking lost and scared, that I don't even know where my ass is anymore. People want me to be okay, so I tell them I am. I tell them "oh, the pills are working", when really on the inside, I feel like I'm swallowing some kind of poison. Not that kills, but that clings. I feel foggy and some days, that is enough to forget, on other days it's like being lost in fog.

I want to be what others are, see what they get to, do what they do. I can't, and it doesn't matter how many times I go to a shrink, or tell someone what I feel at that moment. They never get it. No one can save me, I've built this wall so high, made it so powerful that I'm not the one controlling it any more. It builds itself up taller and taller and I get lost just looking up at the sky. That, is the moment when things are okay, for a split second lasting a day, a week, even a month, but that wall is still there. I can see it, I can feel it, and sometimes I'm even part of it.

I know my limitations. I know all my faults, I've had them thrown at me so many times, how could I possibly forget? I'm not good enough. I'm not brave enough. Life is not a movie, where things go from bad to worse to happily ever after. Life is harder, harsher and more crushing. You have to pay for your dreams, and I don't have the money to accomplish mine.