Here are some things I felt like could be improved.
-Grammatical errors. “They scam place to place not at one place only.” Its awkwardly phrased. Alternatively, try ,” They have scammed more than one shop/store/whatever place you’re referring to because using ‘place’ is too vague.
-Try using Grammarly? Writing in Google Docs. It can help correct or suggest better alternatives in your writing like correcting a spelling, finding a synonym, placing the right punctuations.
-The use of “Literally”/’’Usually”. These are usually used in conversations and not writing. It also doesn’t fit in as Colloquial Language, so it seems weirdly placed.
-The thoughts and feelings should be separated from the main storyline/flow of the story. Try italicising, writing them in’----’, or in another line.
-Try to incorporate interesting Verbs. Eg. Instead of saying,’’Shoos me back.” Try saying ,”He lifted his hand, his face away from mine, and shooed me away.”
-The feelings can come off as unrealistic or rushed. Eg. Namsoon was too quick to accept the mens’ invitations. She should have hesitated for a moment or been given a reason for agreeing so quickly. For instance, “ Not strong enough to resist the men’s allure, Namsoon crumbled like a sandcastle and gave in.A squeak ‘Yes’, escaped the caverns of her mouth.”
-This is not an issue but more of a suggestion to do some background research if you write about a place you’re not too familiar with just to avoid overlapping and causing a mistake.
Here’s what I like about your story
it was clearly written and it was easy to understand
the length was perfect it wasn’t too short nor too long
the control you have over language was so amazing like using words like lustrous or grandiose
The conversations were also easy for me to follow and the description that came with it really helped with the flow of the story.
the characters representations of their thoughts and feelings also rounded the story of very well
the personality change that came along with the change of the point of view was also very well written and there was a clear difference about the characters habits, personality and speech which really contributes to the realistic feeling of the story
the story also felt like a story. It wasn’t too choppy or monotonous and it wasn’t too informal so it made it really easy for me to imagine that seems like you do a movie movie.
