CHAPTER 1 TSUKISHIMA RYU

" You say you want

Diamonds on a ring of gold

You say you want

Your story to remain untold

But all the promises we make

From the cradle to the grave

When all I want is you

You say you want

Your love to work out right

To last with me through the night

You say you want.. 

Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break

From the cradle to the grave

When all I want is you.... "

Ryu closed his eyes.  His body was lying on the black sofa and his hands up to support his head.  To be precise, his hand became a pillow for a while.

Faintly he sang the song All I Want Is You from U2. He still remembered all the lyrics.

He had just finished tidying up his new apartment.  It took a month to tidy up the apartment.  He thought this was how he lived alone without a wife.  But he had chosen his current way of life.  His own life. He had already decided to start a new life without anyone, alone.

"It's better this way from now on." He told himself.

He was neither sad nor lonely.  He felt relieved and seemed to be released from a heavy burden.  He didn't want to pretend anymore.  He didn't want to be a hypocrite anymore.  He no longer wanted to follow other people's words and wished of others. He no longer cared about anything that concerned other people.  He wanted to think about himself.  Let him found his own happiness.  It was the time and it was fine.

He remembered the first time his ex-wife asked him for divorce a few months ago. Almost a year ago.

Narumi, his ex-wife, cupped her face with both her small and delicate hands, her long and slender fingers touched them and said looking straight into his eyes, "Let's split up and be friends, Ryu."

Ryu was shocked and let went of his wife's hand, "Are you crazy?! Why are we divorced? Am I not a good husband to you? Or... do you have someone else?"

"Ryu... Listen to me. I don't have anyone else. I'm not involved in an affair with anyone. I've never betrayed you. But you don't love me. We've been trying for years. I know your heart was never mine. And never be mine. I love you, Ryu.. I care about you. You're a good husband and father. But I think.. It's time for us to be apart. You've suffered enough all this time.... "

Before Narumi could finish her sentence, Ryu interrupted, "I'm not suffering!!! Enough!! Stop all this nonsense!"

He got angry.  It was all too sudden.  They have lived together for more than 10 years.  He felt Narumi was starting to go crazy with this idea of ​​divorce.

"Should it be over now?" he thought.

"This isn't something that can be decided overnight. I'm more than 36 now. Almost 37 years. At this age getting divorced is a crazy decision. It's not funny at all!"

They had lived this married life for more than 10 years. And in their midst now there was a child, Tetsuya their baby boy. They loved him so much. What would happen when they separate?  What would happen to his son's life in the future?  What would people say?

But Narumi didn't give up.  She kept repeating her requests from day to day and from week to week.

"Think about it, Ryu. We've been trying for over 10 years. I know you never loved me. And you won't. Don't avoid reality. I can no longer love you like I used to. There's no hope for me to get your love. We do have Tetsuya, in our life. As the child of both of us. But look, what happened to the two of us? How long will we be like this? Denying reality?" She caressed Ryu's face, looking at him affectionately.  But not the affection between a man and a woman.  Her love has turned into brotherly affection.  She loved Ryu as her brother.  Narumi cared for him, for his own happiness.  Ryu was too kind to ignore.  Ryu deserved his own happiness with the person he loves.  Ryu had experienced a lot of injustice from the people around him.  From people who claimed to cared about him.  But never thought about his own happiness. He had given up too much.

She knew very well the nature of her husband, was kind but stubborn and always put the interests of others and ignored his own.

"What happened after we divorced?" Ryu gave in.

Narumi sighed and smiled gently.  That smile always brought peace to anyone who saw it.

"We will share time to raise Tetsuya. You are his biological father. No one will ever replace you as his father. We will still raise him together, give him love even though we are apart. It might be difficult for him to accept all this at first. But as time goes by,  will pass, I'm sure Tetsuya will understand."

"So that's what you think? Will you be okay after this?"

Ryu looked at the woman he cares so much.  Mother of his child.  She was so gentle and patient.

"Should I let it go?"  thought Ryu.

Narumi sighed again, she still smiled gently at her husband's affection.

"Ryu, I'll be fine. Promise me we'll always be in touch. I believe you'll always be a good man. And one more thing, most importantly. Get your own happiness! Find him! You deserve to be happy. You still love him, don't you?  Don't lie to yourself. I've known you for thousands of years… He's the only one who's always in your heart, right? I have to be honest..... You always call him when we're together in bed."

Ryu was surprise he never expected that he would call out his name during their time together.  His subconscious always remembered the man. The man who he wanted to see and hug in his arms.

"Narumi, is that right? I'm so sorry."  His hand grabbed Narumi's body.

He hugged her and kissed her forehead.  All this time he had unwittingly hurt Narumi's heart.

"You... Promise me too to find your happiness. I'm sorry that I can't love you. I hope you will find someone who will love you someday." Ryu said.

In the end they decided to divorce on good terms.  They would continue to build relationships as a form of responsibility towards their child.  Ryu would continue to support their child's life and Narumi until she married someone someday.  They still lived close together.  Ryu chose to buy an apartment near their house, so that Narumi and Tetsuya could easily find him, if something happened to them.

He still remembered when they told their boy about the divorce, he looked so confused and cried. The boy only asked them, "Why? " And they told him about the situation. And the boy only nodded his head obediently.

The apartment was quite large, equipped with 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, one was in his bedroom, the master bedroom.  Another one was near the kitchen.  Ryu bought all the new house supplies.  To made him feel comfortable in his apartment, he bought a Home Theater set and a music player.

Ryu deliberately chose this apartment with 2 bedrooms, so that if Tetsuya was with him, he would have his own room here.  It's impossible for a boy to stay with his father in the same room forever, right?

Ryu turned off his music player.  Instead he took his guitar hanging on the wall.  He played a song and closed his eyes...

"And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune

Then the piper will lead us to reason

And a new day will dawn for those who stand long

And the forests will echo with laughter....."

Ryu sang in a low voice, almost humming.  He enjoyed this song.  He absorbed it very much.  Immersed in all the notes and lyrics.  He felt pain in his heart every time he heard or sang this song.  And he almost cried.

"Stairway to Heaven" was Jin's favorite song.  In the past, Jin used to sing it almost every day or play this song on his music player.

"Jin... Where are you? How much time has passed so far?  How many full moons have passed without you?

What are you look like now?" He thought.

Ryu had lost Jin years ago after their fight.  Their last days, they spent fighting or not talking to each other.  They had reached an indirect agreement at that time, namely that they were enemies to each other.

Now he realized that all this was in vain.  What he had been doing for the past 10 years was a big mistake, a waste.  And a hypocrisy.  He had betrayed Jin.  Betrayed his own feelings.  He didn't even gave Jin any chance to talk to him.  He had humiliated Jin in front of many people, in front of Jin's friends.  Ryu had been very cruel to Jin, an act that coukd not be forgiven.  Ryu insulted him and dragged him to the bottom of the earth, to the abyss, away from him as if he were something disgusting.

Instead of protecting him, Ryu was cruel to the boy, even though Ryu should have protected him like he promised at that time.  Promises are promises, over the time everything changed.  Ryu preferred to leave Jin alone.  Ryu preferred to ignore him.  Ignoring everything that happened between the two of them.

"Will I meet Jin again one day?" thought Ryu. "Will he forgive me?"

For years those questions lingered in his mind, like a thorn in the flesh, and it hurt so much.

Once a few years ago, Ryu secretly searched for Jin's whereabouts in London.  When he was on vacation with Narumi and Tetsuya.

He deliberately chose London to vacation with his family. Tried to find Jin. Every night, for two weeks he wandered through the city of London, entered some cafe hoping to meet Jin.  Just to looked his face, even from a distance.  He wanted to see that face. Sometimes he waited for Narumi and Tetsuya who were shopping, he sat around London Bridge.  Wished  that face would appear but of course it didn't.  London was a big city and quite busy.  Lots of people there.  It was crazy to looked for someone there without knowing the address and contact number.  But Ryu did just that. He was crazy. Absolutely crazy.

The song he played on his guitar was long over.  He put his guitar on the table.  Laid back on his black sofa.  Stared at the ceiling of his apartment.  He took a deep breath and closed his eyes again.  Trying to imagine what Jin's face looks like right now.  Was he still the same as before with his beautiful big round eyes and cheeks that always blush when exposed to the sun?

His thoughts drifted back to the years they were together.

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