Chapter 001: My Life At Peace PART 1
Author's Note:
I am revising but I hope I don't cause any confusion.
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I Can't Wake Him Up If He's Dead
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There's a loglog stall at the side of the street. From this distance, I can see the prices of each serving per sizes which are cheap and affordable.
A familiar person wearing a tuxedo despite the heat of the sun, is drinking a beer seemingly drunk with an another drunk fellow in disheveled casual outfit.
Both he and that disheveled person look really terrible and weak. But the latter guy is far more worse than the former.
It's like as if he's about to die in any second.
They sounds like they're talking about their grievances in their lives; sympathizing and cheering up one another— giving each other the will to live for tomorrow.
The stall owner seems like he doesn't hear the two men chatting pitifully but focuses on washing the dishes instead.
“....hic.. I understand what you feel. What can I even do though...? It's my fault I lost her. If only— hic.. gahh.. If only I wasn't so cowardly back then, I probably have a child with her by now..”
“...Djid shamvody Ishtole your— hic— your.. your.. GF away from you?”
“Kehh~ Nobody stole her from me.. agh.. I.. well.. I kind of had.. agh fuck. I never have confessed to her once. She never have been mine. But I know she knows I like her...”
“Yetch shwe Ishtill married shamvody elsh?! Shamelessh wuman!”
“Bro— hic.. don't say that.. It's my fault. Why would she wait for somebody who seems like he have no intention of pursuing her... She probably was full of doubt.. and hahh~ finally given up.”
“You ishtill jefend her?? I guessh it's fine. Bwut jhere's still wa lot of wuman out there!”
“.......”
He didn't reply but look at the bottle of alcohol in daze. It's not a high-class beer but something you can buy for at least seventy pesos per bottle.
However, it's taste and ability to drunk a person is decent. Drinking it while it's cold causes one to feel heat and chill in their oral system and stomach at the same time.
Judging from the amount of bottle around them, they probably drunk several cases of beer already. I'm surprised they're still awake.
Just how long they have been drinking here? Perhaps they might have even started to drink not here but somewhere else.
There's a gap between them and I sit on it. The two men didn't seem like they had noticed me. The familiar guy in my left is still looking at the bottle in daze seemingly reminiscing about something.
His fellow in my left looks like dead while lying his head on the table seemingly asleep.
He can't finally take it and lost consciousness.
“What's for you boy?”
The owner asks while putting the clean dishes down and focuses on me instead.
“Fufu. Please just give me some soft drink.”
“Alright.”
He bents down and when he straighten himself up, he gives me the cold bottle after removing the lid.
“Are you the one who sold this men their beers?”
“Hahaha. No way. I don't sell beer.”
He points behind me. There's a variety store at the other side of the street. Four women who I assume to be housewives are talking or rather gossiping to one another.
They probably are free this time given that it's already noon. They got nothing else to do but talk to each other.
“They bought the beer from that store. They've been here since morning. In fact, that guy who's sleeping beside you has been drinking already when I came here.”
I knew it.
“I let them be because they look sad. They're so pitiful. Defeated in the competition of love. Hahhh. Besides, they're ordering anyway and they are not really bothering my business. The customers just sit on the other seats letting them occupy this seat in the front.”
The stall isn't small nor large and there are several long folding metal seats at the four sides of the stall so it's not really a problem.
This guy who haven't moved his gaze on the bottle since earlier is now tearing up. What happened to him?
The first time we met is in this place as well, I was bored last week and decided to eat here.
He was so happy back then when telling me— a complete stranger who's not even 18 years old, that he finally had the courage to confess to his childhood sweetheart after three decades of being indecisive.
And now he's crying. Judging from their conversation, his sweetheart is already married.
But did he managed to confess though? Or did he froze up after seeing his beloved with somebody else? Perhaps even having her kids?
Fufufu. Poor guy. I wonder if he gave up by now.
“Oh hello there kuya.”
I pat his shoulder over his black tuxedo.
“......”
He stares at me seemingly wondering who's this kid acting intimately with him.
“Oh it's you. Are you here to mock me?”
“It's me and I'm not mocking you.”
I wave my hand in front of him and he knocks it off.
“Your face is smiling gleefully you know.”
“Fufufu. It's my default expression. Don't mind it.”
“You're strange.
“Thank you.”
“........”
I took a sip of the carbonated drink and my throat feels like there's something pricking it. Kind of itchy.
“I think I'll give up.”
After being silent, he said in low voice then looks down on the bottle of beer with gloomy face.
“Why? Did she reject you?”
“No.”
“Then why?”
I already know why judging from his conversation with this other guy.
“She's married...”
I know. I heard you earlier.
“Hahahahahahaha— hic! Hahahahaha!”
He suddenly laughed. A self deprecating laugh.
“Well this is embarrassing, I shamelessly bragged to— hic!— you how I've finally decided to confess to her after many years... But— hahahahaha! I didn't.”
He didn't confess? He was so confident back then telling me that he'll invite me to their wedding. But look at him now— Laughing pitifully to himself.
“Why did you not confessed to her?”
“I didn't even manage to meet her. Looking at them from a corner, she and her husband lives in a simple modern house. They have one red car and I can't say they're rich. But they're so happy with their two children.... I can't do it. It's too late.”
I think he still have something to say so I'll just drink my soft drink.
“I did my all to reach the higher class in order to feel worthy of her. She was so beautiful back then but of course she's still beautiful today even though she already have two kids! But that aside, his father is a good businessman so they have a good business. I thought I should have something first before confessing to her. Now, I'm far more wealthier than them but.... Why am I more miserable..?”
Sounds so dramatic.
I put the empty bottle of soft drink back on the table and look at him with a smile— well nothing changes because I have a default smiling expression but never mind that.
“They got what they want. But you don't.”
“.......”
“Do you give up now? Are you giving up without even confessing to her? Wasn't your whole life up until now is for you to be ‘worthy’ of confessing to her?”
“What's the point? She's married.”
You look like you already gave up.
“Are you telling me to snatch her?”
That's a good idea.
“I only said that you should confess to her. Isn't that what you desire?”
He's laughing silently while shaking his head after hearing my question.
“Of course it is. But what's the point? I'll get rejected anyway.”
“So?”
“What do you mean by ‘so’?
“Life is pointless in the first place. We're the only one making a point out of it. So what if you rejected? Isn't what you wanted to confess. Confessing is what you wanted. Are you just gonna prevent yourself from getting it because you're going to get rejected? Whether you'll get rejected or not is not for you to decide anyway. That's for her.”
“.......”
“Do you know what brought you to this point?”
“......what..?”
“Your arrogance.”
“........What??? I'm arrogant?”
He looks really confused by that fufufufu.
“You didn't confess to her because you're not worthy of her, is what you said. And last time, you decide you will confess because you're now worthy of her right? But is that for you to decide?”
He didn't answer but just frown.
“Who are you to decide for her? Whether you're worthy or not is for her to decide. That's beyond your control. The only thing you can do is to confess and this is also what's beyond her control. Confessing is yours; Deciding is hers.”
He looks like he's in daze then shakes his head after.
“She's already married.”
“So what? So what if she's married? You're only going to confess, the decision is hers.”
“But that can destroy their family!”
“But their happiness is not your desire.”
“!!”
“Isn't it? Didn't you worked yourself to death to rise up because you wanted to be with her? Isn't this what you truly desire?”
“.......”
“Aren't you way too arrogant? Wanting for her family to be happy while also wanting for you to be with her when you're incapable to get both.”
“I—”
“You're acting all miserable here for not being able to get what you want but did you do something for it? If what you wanted is for her happiness with that family, then give up your own happiness and stop with this nonsense. Be happy because she's now happy.”
“Isn't that what I am planning..”
“But it isn't even your desire. Their happiness isn't what you wanted. What you wanted the most is your own happiness.”
“Kid! I'm not a selfish person.”
He looks mad and the stall owner is looking at me strangely.
“All of us has our own desires. We always have things we want. Everything we do is for ourselves. Even if it seems to be for someone, is it really for them? If you look at it fundamentally, in the end, you only did it for your own desire. It just so happen that what you want is to do something for them.”
“.......”
“This make us all ‘selfish’. No one is truly selfless. Because we always do things for ourselves.”
“That's...”
“But all of us has our own desires which usually clashes with one another. So it all comes down to survival of the fittest and who has the strength and capability to get what they want. Some will lose and someone will win.”
“..........”
“Kuya, the reason you can't get her before is because you were incapable even though confessing is always have been within your capability. You just feel unworthy which weakened you greatly. However, now, at this present, are you capable to confess to her? Is that still within your control?”
“But as I said.. she's married, and happy.”
Fufufu. He looks conflicted.
“I know and I'm aware. Now that we both know you're capable to confess, the next problem is which desire you'll allow to prevail: Seeing her happy with others or having the chance to be with her?”
“........”
“Once you decide for the former, you'll lose her and you'll be hurt for who knows how long. But if you choose the latter, you might get into trouble causing for your own destruction; or you might even cause her to hate you.”
“......”
He's frowning really hard.
“You're incapable to get this two desire together. So choose which one is much more important for you.”
He looks at me and I look back into his trembling bloodshot eyes.
“Will you choose your desire that will make you happy even if it makes others sad? Or will you just surrender and let others be happy even if it's you who will be sad?”
*Swoosh!*
He suddenly stood up.
“I'm leaving.”
Then he puts a 500 peso bill on the table before leaving. He didn't even glance at me or wait for his change to be given.
He looks like he made a decision.
“Boy, that wasn't good. You might end up wrecking a family.”
The owner looks at me with worry while putting the 500 peso bill into his money bag.
“If her desire with her current husband is stronger compared to her desire to him, he'll obviously get rejected.”
“....... If he doesn't come to her, she won't be tempted.”
“If she got tempted, it just mean that her desire— or I should call it ‘love’ for her husband isn't that firm. What's the point of it? It would be better if she just choose her childhood sweetheart than her current husband.”
“......”
“Committing to something you don't truly desire is pointless and won't make anybody happy. Because even you yourself will be against it. So might as well just succumb to what you truly wanted.”
“Even if it leads to your own destruction?”
“You won't be destroyed if you're capable of course. But even so, so what? You just did what you wanted fufufufufufu.”
I took a 20 peso bill from my wallet and put it on the table before standing up from my seat.
“You're a weird kid.”
The owner looks strangely at me.
“Ah right. Can you wake him up?”
He points to the guy beside me who fell unconscious earlier.
I shake my head.
“Just do me a favor.”
“It's not like I don't want to, it's just because I can't.”
“What?”
“He's dead.”
I said while walking away from the food stall because I finally see Eli-chan coming out of a corner.
“W-W-W-What?!!”
The owner sounds panicked.
“He's really dead!!”