28 |twenty-six|

"Is he sleeping?" I question as I lean forward to try as see MinHo's face.

"Yeah, he's out. He was out the minute the movie started." JiSung mumbles as he leans his head back on the couch. He yawns as he closes his eyes.

"Why aren't you sleeping? You're probably exhausted." I tug my blanket around myself as I watch JiSung closely.

"I'm not sleeping until you are." JiSung states firmly as he sits upright and turns toward me.

"I'm not going to do anything." I sigh as I reach for the controller to find a new movie to watch.

"I can't believe you're not tired." JiSung scoots toward me and rests his head on my shoulder.

"I am." I mumble as I click on the first movie I see. Honestly, I won't watch it. I'll be watching everything but the movie.

"Then why aren't you sleeping?" JiSung asks as I set the controller down on the table. I lean back and try to fight off a yawn.

"Because—that's all I've got. I don't know. I just don't want to I guess." I toss my blanket aside and slip out from under JiSung.

"Where are you going?" JiSung grabs my arm and pulls me back down onto the couch.

"Somewhere I can have a moment alone—I just need to think." I explain softly as I attempt to get up again.

"No. You're not going anywhere alone. I'll be quiet—just stay here." JiSung scoots to the other end of the couch and pretends to zip his lips.

"It's not the fact you're here—I just—I don't know." I stumble over my words, suddenly wanting JiSung at my side.

"Tell me what to do and I'll do it—anything but letting you go somewhere alone." JiSung states firmly as he watches my face closely.

"I don't want to have another break down in front of you." I swallow hard as I tell him the truth. I need time to work through the hellish thoughts in my head, but I can't do it with him here. I can't fall apart in front of him again.

"Is it bad?" JiSung asks as he moves closer to me once again. He takes my hands in his as I close my eyes.

I nod weakly as I feel the tears begin to fall. Not here. Anywhere but next to him. I'll cry in the middle of a store if it means he won't see.

"It's okay. You don't have to try and hide it. I get it. It's hard. It's exhausting. I'm here right now, so let me help. Don't make yourself go through this on your own." JiSung takes my face in his hands. He presses his forehead to mine.

"I'm scared." I whisper as my breathing begins to falter.

"Don't be scared. You know I—we'll do everything we can to protect you. You just have to let us." JiSung pulls back to brush my hair from my face.

I want to wake MinHo up. I want MinHo to be the one talking me through this, not JiSung. No matter how hard I try to let JiSung in, I can't. It's just too much for me. He has his own problems—he has his own anxiety and problems to deal with. I can't put more on him.

"You want MinHo." JiSung sighs as he goes to get to his feet.

"No—I don't want MinHo." I grab ahold of his wrist as I get to my feet. I wrap my arms around him tightly. I bury my face in his chest as everything comes pouring out.

JiSung stumbles slightly taken aback by my sudden attack. He returns my embrace and tangles his fingers in my hair. He holds me tightly as tears stream down my face.

"You need to sleep, it could help." JiSung whispers softly as he rests his cheek on top of my head.

"I don't want to. If I go to sleep, the thoughts will win." I tremble in his grasp.

"I won't let them. I'll stay right next to you all night while you sleep. You can use me as a pillow if you want—that way if something happens, I know." JiSung offers as he scoots over a bit. He pays my lap encouragingly.

"It can't be comfortable for you. I'm fine. Go to sleep." I insist as I toss a blanket toward him.

"Nope. I'm going to be your personal pillow if you like it or not." JiSung tugs on my arm playfully.

"Just sleep in his damn lap so I don't have to hear anymore complaining." MinHo groans as he rolls onto his side to face us.

"You're awake—how long have you been awake?" JiSung mumbles awkwardly as he releases his grip on me.

"The entire time. From the moment you were wondering if I was sleeping to the moment she wanted me to be the one awake all the way to this very moment. So can we all just go to sleep now?"MinHo sits upright and glares at JiSung.

"MinHo!" JiSung shoots up and lunges toward MinHo.

"Now what?" MinHo sighs as JiSung slaps him in the shoulder.

"Shut your mouth—just pretend to sleep and stay out of this." JiSung threatens as he glances back over his shoulder at me.

"It's fine—I'm just going to run down to my room real quick then we'll sleep." I push my blanket aside and get to my feet.

JiSung wants to jump up and object, but MinHo grabs ahold of his arm. No matter how much he wants to protect me, MinHo knows that it's best to just give me a moment and step in if it's becoming excessive.

I slip down the hall and stop at the top of the stairs. I sit down and bury my face in my hands. I don't know why it hurts so bad right now. I really don't. All I know is I have to cry. I have to cry until I can't breathe. I have to cry until I fall asleep. It's just how it works.

I know they can hear me crying. I can hear JiSung fighting against MinHo to try and get away. I cover my ears and lower my head as everything around me begins to close in. I can't breathe. I can't think. I can't function. All I can do is cry.

Is it my anxiety? Is it depression? Who knows? I couldn't tell you if I tried. None of this ever makes any sense to me. I just don't get emotions. I don't understand them and I can't explain them.

"Let go of me." JiSung snaps as he manages to break free of MinHo.

The loneliness didn't last long. I was alone for a total of three minutes, but I honestly figured it'd be less. I assumed JiSung would escape MinHo in a matter of seconds.

A pair of warm arms wrap themselves around me tightly from behind. The feeling he brings is something I still can't get used to. I can't accept that he's as calming as he is. I refuse to let someone else have more control over my emotions than I have, but he does. He can calm me when the world feels like it's dissolving beneath my feet.

"I told you I'm not letting you be alone. I'm going to protect you until the day I die." JiSung whispers as he rests his cheek on my head.

"Scoot over." MinHo instructs as he squeezes himself next to me.

"You're not helping." I sniffle as I avoid looking at them.

"He's not helping, I tried." MinHo pouts as he places his hand on my knee.

"I'm fine. I really am. I—I don't know why I'm crying to honest." I rub at my eyes as JiSung loosens his grip on me just a bit.

"I say we make a huge bed on the floor for the three of us. Ari is in the middle so she can't go anywhere." MinHo suggests as he playfully pokes at my side.

"Fine." I nod in defeat.

"Let's do it!" MinHo hops up and runs back toward the living room.

JiSung lets go of me and stands up. He reaches his hand out for mine and helps me to my feet. He takes my face in his hands and delicately dries my eyes.

"It'll be better in the morning." JiSung promises as he rests his forehead on mine for a moment. He pulls away then leads me back toward the living room.