38 |thirty-six|

Nearly six months. That's how long it's been since I've seen his face or heard his voice. I hope he's doing well. I hope they all are. He messaged me for awhile, but I never had the strength to read them. The moment I give in is the moment I lose.

"You're still here? Shouldn't you get going? You're going to be late. Isn't today your last exam?" JiHyo asks as she hops off the bottom step. She makes her way toward me lazily.

"You're probably right. Wish me luck." I get onto my feet and grab my bag from the seat beside me. I wrap my arms around her tightly and place a playful peck on her cheek.

"You're going to do amazing. You always do. You've got this. Kick that exam's butt—and once you get home, we'll celebrate!" JiHyo chuckles as she ruffles my hair.

I nod as I grin brightly. It's taken six months for me to finally feel at ease. My head doesn't get overwhelmed as much as before. I don't tremble in fear at every situation I'm put in. I cherish the life I'm living everyday I live it. Is this what life was always supposed to be?

I take a deep breath and slip out of the house. I sling my bag over my shoulder and adjust my shirt before making my way down the path toward the gate. I stop in my tracks as I get a glimpse of something I never expected.

"Why do you always walk this way?" HyunJin's voice sends chills down my spine.

"Because." JiSung mumbles as the sound of his steps inch closer.

"You've seen her, she's happy. Isn't that all you wanted?" HyunJin asks softly as I finally see their faces.

They can't see me. The gate is the only thing standing between us. In a way, it's my shield from the reality that used to be.

"I know. I think that's what makes it worse. She didn't need me to make her that way." JiSung sounds so small compared to before. He seems like he's worse off than I had ever imagined.

I always figured that work would distract him from me. I imagined he'd move on so much faster than I did. In a way, I guess I haven't really moved on, but I've grown. I still go back to the times he held me. I go back to how safe he made me feel, but I have to be able to make myself feel safe. I have to be able to care for myself before I can ever imagine caring for someone else.

"Do you know what today is?" JiSung turns toward HyunJin.

HyunJin shakes his head in confusion as JiSung looks up at the house. He sighs and lowers his head before continuing down the street.

He knows—he remembers. I never told him. He happened to find out from my account. Today's my birthday. My twenty-second birthday.

I feel my knees grow weak as I reach for the gate. I'm going to be late if I don't get moving, but part of me wants to curl up into a ball. It's been so long since I've felt so little—since I've felt so vulnerable.

I take a shaky breath and force myself out of the yard. I can't keep hiding. I'm bound to run into him one day. I can't keep acting like he doesn't exist. He's a human just like me.

I do everything I can to not glance over my shoulder at them. I take quick steps in the opposite direction. If I'm going to make it in time for my exam, I have to catch the next bus. If I miss it, I miss my exam and that can't happen.

"Ari." An all too familiar voice stops me in my tracks.

The one exception I allowed myself. The only person I allowed myself to keep in touch with—Lee MinHo. I turn toward him with a gentle smile.

"Hey." I offer him a shy wave. I haven't seen him face-to-face in nearly three months.

"You seem like you're in a hurry." MinHo makes his way toward me with his hands in his pockets.

"I have an exam soon. I have to catch the bus." I inform him casually.

"Let me walk you to the bus stop." MinHo falls in step beside me.

Silence falls over us as we walk side by side down the empty street. It's too early in the morning for the bustling crowds. The sun has yet to take its place in the sky.

"Happy birthday." MinHo mumbles as he slips something into my hand.

"MinHo—you don't have to give me anything." I want to force it back into his hands, but I know it won't do any good.

"It's not much. I couldn't get away long enough to get you anything better. They still don't know you talk to me." MinHo nudges me playfully.

"Is he okay? I saw him walk passed the house." I ask softly as I turn the small box over in my hands.

"Him—he'll make it. Are you okay? Isn't that what matters most? He's got us, he'll be fine. You don't have what he does." MinHo stops and turns toward me.

"It's still hard sometimes, but I think I'm getting there." I lock arms with him for the first time in what feels like forever. I rest my head on his shoulder and breathe him in.

I feel like I betrayed JiSung by keeping MinHo so close, but I had to. I had no choice. JiHyo is gone more than she's home. I couldn't sit in silence and stare at Skye like she would be able to talk me through everything.

"As much as I want you to move on and be happy, you do realize you can't shut him out forever, right? He deserves some answers. So does Chan. He was so lost when you left. I mean—it was kind of my fault you left in the first place." MinHo frowns as we approach the bus stop.

"I know. I just wanted to accomplish something on my own before seeing him." I lower my head as I let go of MinHo's arm.

"If you're feeling up to it, we're all free tonight. The door of the dorm is always open for you." MinHo reaches out to brush a stray strand of hair from my face.

"I'll think about it." I smile as he offers me a small wave. I watch as he makes his way back the way we came.

I turn back just in time to see the bus pull up to the stop. I climb on and make my way to the nearest empty seat. I sit down and stick my headphones in. My finger lingers above a song I've spent the last six months forbidding myself from listening to. With a deep breath, I confidently click on it.

The moment I hear his voice, everything comes flooding back. The way he held me. The way he comforted me. The way I was his everything. I was so afraid of what the world would think of me that I ran away. I didn't give the world a chance to win me over. I didn't give him a chance to convince me to stay. I was selfish for the first time in my life. I put myself before others, even if it meant hurting people I loved.