154 5.5

On the internet, which was still on the cusp of developing and maturing, a story was being written.

Like a small stone, it is thrown into the large ocean. Whether it will create ripples or not was no longer up to the stone but to the ocean's whims.

Defining My Brother by ShiningGreenTea was posted on a fast-growing writing platform known as StoryFountain. It was posted fairly regularly, once every three days, and the mature yet lighthearted and quippy writing quickly caught the hearts of the passerby readers who went to check it out and give it a chance. 

It is a story about a male protagonist who likes cute things. The male protagonist is handsome and capable, the standard class grass*, but he has this one vice which he is deeply ashamed of. 

*class grass- most handsome boy in class (for girls it's school flower).

In the first chapter, the protagonist sees a boy being bullied for having something girly, a pink little teddy bear keychain. And even though he is popular, the protagonist was too scared to speak out lest he be associated. Maybe to others, they would not think so much. But he could not afford such naivety. 

Because he is guilty of the same crime they were accusing the other of. 

At the time his legs won't move and his mouth can't open, describing it like he had cold, oily tar rolling in the back of his throat, and all over his limbs, making him feel heavy and numb everywhere. Later that night he can't sleep because of this.

The next day his father who had also remarried during this time introduced his new wife and the protagonist's new stepbrother to the household. When the protagonist first saw the other, he tried to shove down the disdain in his heart but was undeniably a little stiff and cold, and their interactions had not improved much from there. The stepbrother is a delinquent that is the complete opposite of the protagonist so there were very few common topics. 

The stepbrother is often scolded, has bad grades and many shun him for his wretched appearance of piercings and dyed hair, exactly unlike the main character. However, even though this was the person that the main character is told never to be, by chance the stepbrother stumbles upon his secret and is the only one that accepts his abnormality, and is actually very impressed by the protagonist's talents in sewing and cooking and all sorts of things that had come from the other's love of cute things.

In fact, the stepbrother has his own problems. His mother is not close with him and a lot of his extreme show of rebellion can be attributed a lot to this neglect and need for attention. In fact, his stepbrother really wants to experience being taken care of like he sees the mothers on television do, where they will help sew his clothes when he asks or will remember his favourite food and cook it for him when he's been good, or to bake him a cake on his birthday. 

The story Defining My Brother becomes a simple but lighthearted story about the daily life of an 'abnormal' popular school grass and a 'normal' unpopular delinquent, showing two people with many flaws and insecurities both slowly accept each other and smooth each other's edges. The delinquent stepbrother is fun and silly once he relaxes and the school grass which was originally shown as a perfect, cool iceberg becomes a slightly snarky and awkward youth. 

Reading about the pair is very easy. Many times one can't help but smile and other times there is a contemplative feeling of relating to the woes of school and the anxiety of integrating into society and growing up. 

The story was a good hit, while it never hit number one it held a steady popularity. 

Not to mention the author, ShiningGreenTea this wretched person, would constantly produce various interesting stories that touched on various genres from murder mystery to fantasy to campus romance. Many people would become invested only to find after x chapters the author has simply stopped or suddenly ended the story abruptly. 

With only Defining My Brother continuing to steadily plod along and produce content, the dissatisfied and angry readers of the other stories will look at this simple cover and sneer, go see what is so good that the author who gave up on writing X, Y and Z still continued with this particular story.

And then- at least 80% of the readers were sucked in. 

Readers from other stories: Eh? Where am I? Who am I? 

It was a lovely story, even if it was more slice of life, it was written entertainingly and there were many fun and interesting characters and thoughts. Not to mention, since the story was not intense, it was easy to drop the story and pick it up months later, and it would be like greeting an old friend. 

Among the angst, action, drama and romantic stories, Defining My Brother was like a large tree that people would pass by and be unable to help but sit and relax under the shade and simply enjoy the sweetness of the passing days. Even if they occasionally leave in favour of more exciting things, they will eventually come back and give their tired heart a rest. 

Of course, such a close and intimate story produced many hardcore fans that diligently followed the author. The author was also very good to the fans of Defining My Brother, taking the time to chat with them and to take the time to describe and even sketch the characters of Defining My Brother for the fan artists. Compared to ShiningGreenTea's treatment of fans of their other stories, it was like the treatment between a beloved spoiled pet and a dirty rat on the streets.

Other readers: '…' You'll really lose us like this. 

However after a year and a half of harmony, the author ShiningGreenTea suddenly changed their style. Originally while the perspective was in third-person, it was more heavily biased to the protagonist. But after a year of the protagonist and step-brother cohabiting together, ShiningGreenTea had changed it so it was the step brother's thoughts that became more prevalent in the story. 

By this time, the male protagonist and step-brother had finally completed their third year of high school*. 

*So they finished Year 9 and moving to Year 10.

Like most stories like this, time seemed to be a limitless construct that can be stretched out or be cut down as the author pleases. Four summers, two springs, three autumns, one very long winter and yet only a 'year' has passed… for slice of life sometimes it is too hard to keep track of things and this sort of time continuity error is quite common. While many people made fun of this, it was not a big problem and all the readers enjoyed the different scenes nonetheless. 

As they finally entered a new school year the pair of brothers who were in the same year, were a bit disappointed to once again be in different classes. Of course entering the next year, both became even busier, it was harder to just sit down, and relax together like before. 

Thanks to the protagonist, the step brother had improved and gotten over a lot of his rebellious nature and started to do his best studying and also focusing on trying to get a sports scholarship as he had revealed a talent in basketball a while back. Because he was doing his best to catch up and keep his grades afloat, as well as after school training with the basketball team, the step brother failed to notice how increasingly haggard the protagonist was.

In his opinion, it is normal for the protagonist to be like this. Everyday the step brother was so tired he just wanted to go straight to bed and become one with it, the protagonist was popular and also worked hard to always maintain his grades so they were at least top five in the year. Even though the protagonist was much better, he was still a face-loving person and a perfectionist who needed to have a perfect image. it was easy to assume that the other was also busy. 

It was only when a classmate called for the step brother who was playing basketball to inform him that the protagonist collapsed that the step brother finally found out the truth.

The male protagonist was being bullied.

Upon this realisation, the story switches to a flashback in the male protagonist's perspective. In his new class there was nobody he was very closely familiar with which made him feel a little awkward. However no matter what, the protagonist was very good looking, and could attract attention no matter where he goes.

A good student, handsome, intelligent, quiet but generous, it was very difficult for such a person to be a victim of campus violence. However that didn't mean it was impossible. 

A beautiful girl can be wronged, a rich boy can be used for his money, a popular kid can be tricked and pushed out. Sometimes it is not a question of the victim, but of the unfathomable malice of others. 

The original class the protagonist was in was already quite close to him, at the very least they had a lot of filters for the protagonist thanks to their admiration and respect. So when he slowly revealed a few bits of his true face personality, people were surprised by the overall acceptance rate was high, attributing it to 'gap moe'.

Not to mention, the step brother was also there to support the protagonist. If the protagonist was more awkward and cold faced, the step brother, while a bit scary at first, was actually quite extroverted and witty. There were many readers who clapped and praised the other for his speeches and tricks to convince the doubtful and the judgemental. 

Given that opportunity, the protagonist's clumsy kindness and simple personality is able to shine through, making the other party feel shameful of their past attitude or at least reconsider a little. The author is quite realistic, and not everyone can let go of their prejudices but overall the tone of the story has always been an 'it all works out in the end,' feeling, which makes readers always feel at ease and fluffy. 

But it was different this time.

Because the male protagonist had gotten used to it and had become a little more comfortable in his own skin, he had brought a rabbit doll to sew up when he was free. After all, it was true he was busier this year and he had less time to indulge in his hobbies. 

A few girls were a bit confused, thinking such an image of a cool guy holding a soft bunny rabbit and sewing it was a bit too contradictory to their eyes, while there were other girls who found it sweet and very cute. The protagonist was used to this, and even if he didn't talk much he was naturally more chatty talking about his interests.

The girls who talked with him gradually felt it was a bit wrong. Hey, hey, this cool guy was a bit too enthusiastic, right? Knowing the different fabrics, what seasonal buttons will be going on sale, the best brands of threads and needles, and the style of toys… 

The girls felt a bit turned off and some directly felt disgusted. It was like the difference between seeing a scary handsome man take care of a cat in the rain, and seeing the same man but with thirty cats in his house. Both were cat lovers, but the enthusiasm is of course different and the image in people's hearts change from ah, how kind, to ah, how creepy. 

Due to his insecurities, the protagonist is more sensitive and he realizes that the emotions in the room were not good. Slowly he stops talking and awkwardly clutches at the little stuffed rabbit, at a loss. Because of the past year, he no longer thought he was so strange and abnormal, with the new memories of acceptance and warmth he had forgotten his fears and his own shame. But now they were coming back.

The girls, while uncomfortable, would not say much to his face since he was still good looking, but the boys who were already envious to death had no such qualms. 

"Hah!" One of them laughs mockingly,  before sneering, "You're really amazing, if I was a bitch I wouldn't have the courage to show it off like you do."

And that's how it started.

Mocking, isolation, cruel jokes… the people who originally felt nothing or maybe didn't even see anything wrong will not speak up and possibly even change their opinions to better fit the mob mentality. While it hadn't escalated too badly, just this was enough to gnaw at the hearts of anyone for many years to come.

Of course, these teenagers, almost adults ready to enter society, could not let go of their newfound prey they had more sense than children and never went too far. In that way, they could comfort themselves by thinking that they were doing nothing wrong. Just a few jokes. A bit of teasing. If the other gets angry it's them being oversensitive. And were they obligated to hang out with such a weirdo? Of course not!

It's not that the protagonist didn't have any support. But his friends from other classes of course had other things to do as well, they're own circles of friends did not revolve around the protagonist and that was perfectly normal. Besides, the protagonist already had demonstrated a temperament of wanting to keep things to himself and undermine his own problems while focusing on others. 

However finally the harassment from the leader of the bullies became too much, almost sexually assaulting the protagonist with the reasoning of, 'Liking such girly things, having such a pretty face, isn't it so disgusting pretending to be a man? Why don't we just put the bastard in his place? Maybe that way we don't have to see that arrogant face of his around anymore!"

Of course, how could the protagonist take this? Understanding that things had gone so far because of his own feelings of inadequacy and passiveness, the protagonist fought back and scolded the group. But how could one person defeat many? In the end, he landed in the infirmary with multiple bruisings and fractures. 

The stepbrother was overwhelmed with guilt and helplessness seeing his brother like this. He who had great respect for his stepfather and love for his mother rushed to the parents and begged them to help the protagonist, to get some justice, to assure him, something, anything. After all, he was just a young man who still depended on adults, in his mind this was the best way. 

However, he was too naive and life was too cruel. 

"I will not have such a, a, a pervert as my son!"

"You don't have any of those… strange inclinations too do you? Oh, if I had known, I wouldn't have- oh dear…" 

The stepbrother who had been shocked, furious and numb found it in a way, quite funny. These two adults who were quite distant towards them suddenly acted so close and intimate. 

It was suddenly strange that the protagonist had cooked their meals when everyone was busy, or helped around the house and did work men shouldn't do. They had praised such a good son, bragged to their friends and complimented such behaviours. Before they enjoyed it and never questioned it but now that they finally saw a little of the true face of the protagonist they suddenly felt it was wrong and shameful, like further proof to convince themselves what a strange creature their son had become.

Ha ha ha, the stepbrother was laughing so hard tears were streaming down his face.

What good parents.

In truth, what the stepbrother didn't know was that the father still loved the male protagonist. He was still his son, of course, he did. 

It was undeniable the father was discriminatory given his own conservative upbringing and values, but most of all he had been worried about how his son will live with such an abnormality. While his heart was heavy he truly felt he would rather force him back onto the right path before the world breaks him down even more than it already had. 

However, what the father didn't understand was that some people are willing to go down this 'crooked path'. As long as they have the people they love helping them, they could walk through fire with their back straight and heads up high. However without that, while it's true that people can still keep going and endure the hardship alone, there are many more who will simply just collapse and compromise under the pressure and expectations. 

The author explained the father's attitude, tactful and insightful yet still condemning the behaviour, and while the readers still didn't appreciate the father at all they at least understood the thought process even if they didn't like it. After all, while no one wanted to really admit it, this was a fairly common attitude in today's society as well. 

Of course, even if it was common, it was no less devastating to the protagonist who seemed to have woken up from one nightmare to the next.

Seeing his most respected father also disgusted and disappointed, the protagonist finally breaks down and accepts his father's proposal to move to a strict boarding school to finish the rest of his high school education. 

The protagonist doesn't commit suicide but a part of him died at the time. 

After this, Defining My Brother began to quickly pick up the pace and describe what happened over many years in only a few chapters. Even overcome by the bleakness of reality, the readers still held hope the author who had always given them many small happily ever afters will pull through for them and finally give them sugar after all this bitterness.

They were destined for disappointment.

Years later the protagonist comes back home, he is stern and polite, gracious and gentlemanly. His scores are high and he gets into one of the best universities, gets a good, stable job, rises up and becomes a successful man. He marries the blind date that his parents arranged for him and he has three children. 

If anyone saw him they would call him a winner in life but all the readers who had seen his brightest and happiest moments can only choke back the tears. 

Because he is unhappy. So unhappy. His temper is shorter, his heart is closed and his nerves are tight. 

He has no friends, he has a strained marriage and his children aren't close to him.

He is a rock in a river, letting life pass him by with nothing to hold onto and letting everything slip without even trying to reach out for it. 

Is this what normal feels like? Is this the happiness everyone told him he must feel? Should he appreciate the people who made him who he is? 

The protagonist didn't know, and he didn't want to think anymore, already knowing deep down the answer. 

In his heart he is already so old, he has lived his life for others and discarded his own life in exchange. 

At the end of the story, the stepbrother who had been pushed away by his brother makes a reappearance. Just like the protagonist he has been beaten down by the reality of society. His hair is neat and black, the piercing holes in his ears have been closed up, and the youthfulness in his eyes had long disappeared and been replaced with tired cynicism. 

His mother didn't love him, his father has another family, his stepfather treated him more like a guest- it was only his stepbrother that made him feel the warmth of a home and the courage to be bright and shining. His step-brother was his support, his best friend, and when he crumbled, so did he. 

The stepbrother's path was not as straightforward as the protagonist's, and he meandered through life casually. He had many girlfriends but no wife, and he took many small jobs before he finally became a receptionist at a small medical clinic. 

The owner of the clinic was very warm and patient. In the end, she encouraged the stepbrother to write his feelings on a small blog. The stepbrother who only started to give the owner some face eventually found it to be cathartic. 

Though he couldn't be sure if he was really happy he found a sense of contentment in the monotonous life he led. He didn't know if it was good, or bad or maybe this is simply what normality is. 

He hopes that maybe his brother had at least found this in the world if nothing else.

At the very end of the story, an excerpt of the stepbrother's blog is written.

'Women who will wear blue and throw away their stereotypes are defined as rebellious, strong and modern. But a man who wants to wear pink and explore beyond their own stereotypes is still considered shameful. 

What sex you are is biology. But what you love is merely in your heart.

We are the ones who defined what is masculine and what is feminine. We defined what a man should be, what a man should be like and vice versa. We defined the boundaries beyond our secondary sexual characteristics. And we defined society based on this gender construct.

But can't we change it?

We have redefined the meaning of words countless times. Redefined technology. Redefined our views of space and time and the earth we live on.

So many things have been refreshed and changed, what is stopping us from redefining the choices that binds our gender? 

When my mother remarried I gained a brother who liked things brothers shouldn't like. However even so he was still my brother, my cool amazing brother who helped me understand math and secretly gave me snacks and covered for me sometimes when I got into trouble. But because his interests did not align with the correct definition of what a boy should be like he suffered a lot. 

I wish I knew what I could've done to help more. But it's been many years and truth be told even now I still don't know what else I could do. I'm not very smart but sometimes I feel like it was everyone else who were fools back then, to hurt my brother like that.

Now he likes things normal brothers do.

But now he isn't my brother anymore.

Sometimes I would like to ask everyone who told my brother to change-

Are you happy?

Did him changing make you feel like the world was brighter and the air was clearer? 

Did him changing improve your life in any way, shape or form?

Or maybe there was no difference in the way you live, whether he changes himself to fit your definition or not.

This thing is so inexplicable to the stupid me. It is just a definition of a concept we cannot even touch.

And yet it is this intangible thing that has so tangibly changed my brother. It has ruined his confidence and changed his entire life trajectory. Maybe he is happier than he would have been or maybe he is much worse off. Either way, because of others the chance to choose has disappeared.

I hope one day we can redefine our views. But for now, I suppose…

This is our definition.'