20 Don't catch feelings
"I like your scornful laugh, your raised eyebrows when something annoys you, the twist of your lips when you're trying to hold back laughter, the little mole at the corner of your eye, and I like the way the tails of your eyes get red when you're embarrassed, like you've just been crying. I like your tiny waist, and your graceful hands, I like the proud arch of your neck when you scoff."
Xi Zirui reads over the words so many times they all begin to run into each other.
Suddenly it's as if there isn't enough air in the room.
Why did he ask that?
And why did Han Yu have to give him such a personal reply. If there was ever a time to be glib, this was it.
Now Xi Zirui feels stripped bare, and he doesn't know what to do with himself.
"Didi?" Han Yu sends, when minutes have gone by without Xi Zirui saying anything.
Xi Zirui's brain isn't entirely online enough for him to be able to formulate an answer.
"Didi, I meant all of it, I like you so much."
Fuck, no, no, don't say that. Xi Zirui's brain is about to start unspooling like a ball of yarn, threads of brain matter are going to come out of his ears.
Why does he feel this way?
It's just words on a screen, they shouldn't leave him this unmoored.
(Suddenly, he's glad they're only words on a screen, he can't even imagine how much worse it would be if Han Yu was in front of him, speaking them to his face.)
In a fit of panic, the only thing he manages to reply is, "Thank you, I'm going to have a bath now."
After that he turns off his phone and starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the living room, uncaring of the way his erratic movements pull awkwardly at his braces.
He can tell he's on the verge of some uncomfortable realization, and he wants to be submerged in warm water before that happens.
---
Xi Zirui thinks the occasion deserves soap bubbles to act as a buffer between himself and his uncomfortable emotions.
So, he draws himself a bubble bath and sits in the middle of the palatial tub, hugging his knees to his chest.
It's possible that he might have developed feelings for Han Yu.
The worst part is that he didn't see it coming.
He was so busy thinking of Han Yu as like, an enemy in a video game, or a boss battle he had to overcome that he didn't notice when he began seeing him as a real person and not just another odd aspect of this bizarre reality the Transmigrator 4000 threw him into.
This is very bad.
And he still doesn't know what the hell a "bad ending" is supposed to mean.
With great trepidation he opens up Ni Ni's settings panel, and scrolls her personality slider all the way up to 9.
He winces and braces for impact.
"Host finally released Ni Ni, ahhh what a relief," Ni Ni says, sounding like someone stretching out their sore muscles after a long nap. "Host shouldn't have deactivated Ni Ni's personality programming like that, I could have offered important advice along key points of your journey."
Somehow Xi Zirui doubts that but he has bigger worries at the moment. "What does getting a 'bad ending' mean?"
Ni Ni ignores him. "Host has been doing a very poor job. Public perception and reputation are still orange, and he is beginning to develop feelings for the Male Lead."
He didn't need Ni Ni to confirm that for him in such a direct way, and he doesn't much appreciate it.
"Host hasn't really worked on improving his acting skills, and is about to fail the mission of getting the B couple together."
"Do you mean Liao Min and Li Siqi?" Xi Zirui asks, confused beyond words. How can he fail at something like that?
"Host really needed Ni Ni's help, but everything has already spiraled out of control. Ni Ni will do her best to help Host course correct and avoid losing his free trial."
Xi Zirui sinks further into the bubbles surrounding him. He didn't raise Ni Ni's personality settings so she could berate him on what a poor job he's doing.
He asks again. "What does a 'bad ending' mean? Am I going to lose the free trial?"
Ni Ni chirps in mock offense. "No such thing, it just means that even if host successfully concludes every aspect of his task, he won't get any rewards."
Xi Zirui frowns. There are rewards? "What rewards?"
"In the good ending, host will achieve national, and international acclaim for his performance, wealth beyond your wildest dreams, and will have a happy and successful marriage!" Ni Ni exclaims, her voice buzzing with excitement.
Xi Zirui has no interest in fame, and he thinks it's immoral for people to accumulate wealth beyond their needs. Absolutely nothing in this scenario strikes him as good!
Although..."A marriage? To whom?"
Ni Ni sighs, sounding exasperated. "To the second Male Lead, wasn't it obvious?"
Who is that supposed to be...Wait. "Su Xueyi?" Xi Zirui asks, scrunching up his nose.
Ni Ni beeps excitedly. "Who else, but the sexy, attentive bodyguard ready to wait on you hand and feet?"
Xi Zirui wonders if Ni Ni is talking about the ideal boyfriend or a butler.
The ideal life she's describing leaves Xi Zirui feeling hollowed out. Is that something he should want? Fame, fortune and a hot guy at his beck and call?
It feels so empty and soulless. He never looked for any of that in real life, and he doesn't think it's fair that some device that's supposed to fulfill his every fantasy wants to force him into the kind of life he never envisioned for himself.
Again, this all began because Xi Zirui thought his own life was boring.
Be careful what you wish for and all that...Xi Zirui has learned his lesson.
"What happens in the bad ending, then?" he asks, resting his cheek across his knees.
"It depends on what choices Host has made, and what tasks he has successfully finished, and how much affinity host has built with the Second Male Lead in order to finish his romantic path. The least affinity, the worst the ending, which is why Host shouldn't fall in love with the Male Lead! Instead of happiness and success host will experience grief and disappointment."
Xi Zirui reckons that his current affinity with Su Xueyi isn't particularly impressive.
This is such a mess. "But you've said it yourself, before, this is a real world, with real people, right?" Ni Ni beeps affirmatively. "Then how can you, or I guess, the Transmigrator 4000, predict how things are going to work out in the end?"
"We can't, which is why at the end of the mission the positive aspects will be balanced out against the bad to determine whether host gets to live out a charmed life in this world, or gets a bad ending instead."
Against his better judgement, a kernel of hope starts blossoming in Xi Zirui's chest. "So you're saying that there's a chance..."
Ni Ni interrupts him. "There is absolutely no chance that a romance with the Male Lead will result in a good ending. The parameters built into this multidimensional experience state that the host shouldn't pursue a romance with the shameless Male Lead, and instead fall in love with the sweet and doting Second Male Lead."
That's such a fucking stupid, arbitrary set up. Who comes up with this stuff? "Well, that's bullshit."
Ni Ni must take some pity on him because her next words are a little conciliatory. "If Host wants, he can ignore the romantic aspects, and focus only on achieving success playing Hai Yaomei and seeing the drama production to its end."
"Will I have to live out an entire existence in this world if I do that?" Xi Zirui asks, already dreading a life of celebrity events, gossipy headlines about his love life, and being gifted ugly clothing by random brands that he's somehow contractually obliged to wear.
"Host can decide to cancel the experience after the mission is concluded, instead of living out an amazing life as a successful actor," Ni Ni says, sounding all the while like she doesn't understand why Xi Zirui would want to do that.
That's the only good piece of information Ni Ni has told him. He doesn't want to stay in this world any longer than he has to, especially not if--
There's no point in indulging that train of thought, it's a foregone conclusion, anyway.
He finishes his bath and goes straight to bed.
He doesn't turn his phone on again until the next morning, and doesn't read any of Han Yu's messages.
---
Li Siqi shows up bright and early the next morning to switch out his braces for tight-fitting compression bandages.
Xi Zirui moves his wrists around once she's done, testing the pain level. It still smarts, but the schedule ahead isn't very intensive.
The only problem are all the scenes he's going to be shooting with Han Yu.
"I advise Host to stop thinking about the Male Lead, if Host really falls in love the bad ending will be locked in!" Ni Ni says, almost startling him.
Xi Zirui is aware of the comedic irony that permeates his entire life, he doesn't need Ni Ni to remind him.
He should have lowered her personality settings yesterday, now, under Li Siqi's watchful gaze he doesn't dare to.
"Host should take the opportunity to encourage Manager Li to go out with Director Liao, as per the task!" Ni Ni says.
Yeah, that's no likely, Xi Zirui isn't in the right frame of mind to play cupid while his own romantic prospects go down the drain.
It's so unfair.
What does experience "grief and disappointment" even mean? Isn't he already experiencing those things? Thanks to Ni Ni?
He wishes he had never asked her about the bad ending.
Li Siqi takes notice of his terrible mood, and in a rare display of empathy asks, "Is everything alright, Xi laoshi?"
He rubs his temples and gives her a wan smile. "Everything is fine, let's just go."
---
He goes through costume and makeup without running into Han Yu.
He's tying himself up in knots worrying over what he's going to say to him when he does.
Su Xueyi takes him to filming location, the training grounds of Hai Yaomei's demonic sect, where Xiu Xianren will be teaching him techniques to calm down the demonic energy coursing through him.
Xi Zirui sees Han Yu before Han Yu sees him.
His regal profile is limned in the warm glow of the soft morning light. The sun shines through the shells of his ears, and glints off the curve of his high cheekbones. He laughs at something a production assistant says and his sharp, sculpted features soften in mirth, giving him that approachable, boy-next-door look that Xi Zirui likes so much, but sees so rarely.
Their eyes meet across the distance that separates them, and something in Xi Zirui's chest seizes.
The smile falls off Han Yu's lips, his phoenix eyes grow heated. He looks at Xi Zirui as if he's the only thing worth looking at.
Xi Zirui goes to stand on his mark by Han Yu's side, and Han Yu leans towards him, turning his head to whisper directly into Xi Zirui's ear.
"Why did didi stop answering my messages?" His warm breath raises shivers across Xi Zirui's skin.
