19 MY BROTHER IS HORNY

[EROS' POV]

"What do you want, El?"

I already see it in his eyes, he wants to tell me something but he can't say it directly.

I've been watching him since he first acted differently. From the kitchen, the stain in his pants, choosing my pants, from the comfort room and here to the office.

He's not like this, to make the first move.

He's quite stubborn but it's rare to see him like that. He's more on the cute and sweet side.

I should stop comparing him to the young Ellis. This is already the matured Ellis. But, he's quite immature right now.

He puts his hand on my chest and up to my neck, "You."

He's getting closer and closer to my face, he's pouting his lips and closing his eyes.

HE'S FREAKING CUTE BUT I SHOULD CONTROL IT.

I know he wants to know, I've been controlling myself and changing the topic, but it seems that he wants to know.

It's not food. But to my answer on what happened in his office.

I stop his face by using my palm.

He stops and he opens his eyes, confused.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

I remove my palm from his face and stares at me blankly.

"This is ridiculous." He says and looks away.

"What is ridiculous, El?"

His legs are loose, so I could be free now but I remained calm and I want to talk to him for acting this way.

"You. This. Everything."

"Can you explain to me what you're trying to say?" I asked calmly.

He looks at me like giving up.

"I only want answers, Ros. Why did you do that? I know, okay, because you want to help your little brother to be satisfied that's why you helped me come, is that it? But it's so weird to me, okay? You're a guy! And I'm a... guy too."

He's about to cry, out of frustration.

I know what he's feeling, I've been denying and changing the topic just to avoid this open-up thing but I guessed... it cannot be avoided.

"I understand," I answered.

"Can you explain it to me? Or just give me some answers?"

There's a real reason why I did that but it should not be discussed and I will keep it to myself.

So, the simplest and stupidest thing to answer is,

"I got horny..."

The next thing I knew, he punched me right into my face which I expected him to do.

"Y-you got horny and you played my

feelings?"

I can feel the redness of my right cheek right now but it's not important.

The important is that I deserved it.

"Because you're cute," I added, I'm not finished but I deserved that punch.

I smile deep inside, knowing that it is my first time to be hit by him.

He's gotten stronger.

He looks at me, glaring at me.

"It's my mistake to be here. It's my mistake to agree with all of your lies that we can be brothers again! It's a mistake!"

He's getting angry.

He wants to go but now, I locked him into myself and he stays seated on the table.

"Let me go!"

"El," I call.

"Don't call me! Let me go!"

He's trying to move but I won't let him.

I'm tired of overthinking every day, thinking if he already got someone now or already married and got kids. I'm tired of thinking that he doesn't care about me and that he already forgot me.

I'M TIRED OF THIS BULLSHIT.

But do I have a choice? What choice could I make just to make him mine? Can I just make him mine without making a choice?

I already admit to myself that I like him.

No.

I'm in love with him and that's all I care about.

But what can I do?

I cannot admit to him verbally.

No, it cannot be.

I should not.

There's still a chain in my head and it cannot be unchained... for now.

But making him wait like this, it's so freaking stupid, and seeing him acting like this, it's frustrating that I want to do the craziest thing.

He's trying to go but I locked him on the table and he's already laying on it.

"W-what are you-"

"Stop moving," I say to him.

"What are you trying to do? Let go of me!"

"El, calm down."

"What the hell is wrong with you, Ros? You're trying to calm me down after what you did? You should have shame on yourself! You got horny and you did that to me which confuses my feelings! You played it! Because you pitied me? Because you think I'm a loner? Because you think I can't masturbate myself?"

Tears are already falling from his face and he's trying to push me away and I keep on looking at him.

He's slowly stopping and I loosen his hands and he wipes his tears.

I want to comfort him but I cannot say a word before I say something that I should not have.

I'm still in front of him while he's laying on the table, I looked at his face, he has red cheeks and lips which I loved about.

I slowly touch his face, trying to help him wipe his tears away, he's still crying and I'm sorry for him. I am.

I don't want to see him like this.

"El," I whisper.

"S-stop." He says and he looks at me, marks of his tears are still on his cheeks.

Fuck.

I held his face and slowly bringing my lips to his, when it touch, Ellis pushes me away.

"I said stop!" He says.

"I can't."

"W-well, you have to! You're being horny again! Stop it or else... or else..."

"Or else what?" I asked.

"You will never see me again!"

I stopped as he said those words.

No.

I don't want that to happen.

That's the last thing I ever want.

No.

Not again.

"El, I'm sorry," I whisper and I let myself collapsed on his body.

Shit. Tears are already falling from my cheeks and I don't want him to see this.

I closed my eyes and let this moment lasts.

"R-Ros, what are you..." He stops pushing me away, instead, he stays still while I'm on top of him.

"Ros." He whispers.

Just a minute, El.

I just want to take this minute with you.

I'm a stupid brother. I'm heartless, selfish, and nothing but done stupid things. This is not what I want with him.

But it's already been done.

I've chosen this and I accepted it already.

He's trying to lift me and he wants to see my face but as soon as I'm done being a drama queen, I lift myself.

"I should give you space," I say to him.

"What?"

"Space, but I will see you again, El."

I stood up and he's still laying on the table.

He's confused but I think this is the best for now since it's my fault that I did that to him in the office and it's my fault to waver his feelings.

I give motives, yes. I admit that, but that's the only thing I know-how, to make him mine.

"No." He answers.

I looked at him.

"Ros, if you have a problem, you could see a doctor, okay? Doctors can help you with your thing."

What?

"Huh?" I say to him.

"I mean, are you always like this? Being horny? You should have just said so in the first place because I could understand-"

"El. What are you saying?"

What is he saying? Doctors? Horny?

"That you should see a doctor for your horniness if there's a word like that."

"El, I'm fine, I don't need a doctor."

"But if you're horny, okay, as a brother, I will help you. But this is not every day, you better see a doctor-"

I went on top of him again and covers his mouth, his eyes widen while he's still laying.

"I don't have a problem with my penis, El. I'm so damn fine. If you want to have space, I will give you space for your feelings."

I uncover his mouth and I'm about to go when he grabs my arm and makes me lay on the table and he's already on top of me.

"I'm stupid, Ros..."

Me too.

"I'm selfish..."

Yes. Me too.

"It confuses my damn feelings for so long. But if being horny is your excuse, okay, fine, I'll be horny as well." He finished his sentence.

"El, I-" He cuts me off by kissing my lips that caught me off guard.

I cannot move, I cannot speak.

My heart is beating fast.

He's trying to open my mouth to let his tongue in, but I don't want to. Because if I allow it, I would be pissed off for yearning for it every single day.

He held my face. His kisses are not rough, it is gentle and soft. His lips are soft, I remember it, the first time that we've kissed.

It was in the park, fireflies are everywhere, there are no people, just the two of us.

He stops and looks at me.

"I'm horny." He says.

I looked at him and I held his face.

Maybe, this is the way I could show how much he means to me, I may not admit it to him but by doing this, maybe he can understand.

I will be selfish one more time.

I pull him closer to mine and I'm the one who initiated our kiss.

After this, I know, it will be my burden.

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